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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask them to put the heating on,?

235 replies

AnnaQuayInTheUk · 13/02/2025 13:58

If you're a guest in someone's house, is it ok to ask them to turn the heating on/up?

I live in an old draughty house with big single glazed sash windows, so I'm quite used to being chilly. We try to keep the house at about 18, it's very difficult to get it above that but if a guest was cold I would have no issues with plugging in additional heaters etc.

I'm currently staying with my mum for a few days. She lives with her partner and has moved into his house. It's freezing. The living room has a thermometer in it and it's currently 13C. It's a modernish house, fully double glazed and centrally heated.

They split the bills. They are quite well off - nice cars, several holidays a year - so it's not a money issue. According to mum, her partner thinks it's wasteful if they put the heating on during the day, as they are out a lot. They are both retired. They do go out a lot but usually one or both come home at lunchtime. They are usually both in by 5pm but the heating doesn't come on until nearer to 6.

I'm trying to work from here for a few days. I am so cold it's difficult to concentrate. AIBU to ask (insist?) that the heating is on during the day?

OP posts:
Agapornis · 13/02/2025 15:55

It isn't wasteful, because you're there. You being comfortable is not a waste.

If they both feel you're not worth it, I'd go home.

You do need to ask, and it's not rude, they probably just haven't thought about it.

Can't you just text/call your mum and say 'mind if I turn up the heating? I'm bloody freezing'

Elphame · 13/02/2025 15:54

CloudywMeatballs · 13/02/2025 15:15

If you don't feel cold that's fine. But you said it was cold.

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13C is cold - the house is cold and yes I feel the cold. If I could live in the tropics I'd be in 7th heaven. But I don't. I live in Britain.

I am however not cold as I am dressed appropriately for the daytime temperature in here. My heating bills are already over £4500 a year which I think is quite enough!

niadainud · 13/02/2025 15:50

AnnaQuayInTheUk · 13/02/2025 14:45

I would if it was my Mum's house. And when she lived with Dad their house was always warm. And she carried on keeping it warm until she moved in with her partner 3 years ago

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That suggests to me that your mum might not be very comfortable with the house at that temperature either and is going along with her partner's preference to keep the peace. Is it worth having a quiet word with her when he's not around?

Lollypop701 · 13/02/2025 15:50

Can you buy a little electric heater for your room? Then you are not wasting heating the house. The minimum working temperature in an office is 16 btw maybe mention that?

MuttsNutts · 13/02/2025 15:45

FeltCarrot · 13/02/2025 15:42

I would be feeling ill with temperatures that high!

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24 degrees in the house would be unbearable. Would rather be cold than sweltering in a stuffy house.

Sunnyside4 · 13/02/2025 15:45

I think you have to be respectful of what's right for others, ie some don't like the heating on/can't afford. However, this is why I do my best to avoid going to SIL and her DH for a meal at Christmas. If I can't get out of it, I go armed with slipper boots and blankets - they don't comment and haven't taken the hint - it's so cold, you can see everyone's breath.

FeltCarrot · 13/02/2025 15:42

whatawonderfultime · 13/02/2025 15:03

If it's less than 22, ie the actual recommended guidelines, I would ask for it to be turned up.

I do it everywhere, even did it in pizza hut yesterday.

No shame here.

my house and business are both 24, so I practice what I preach.

I would be feeling ill with temperatures that high!

MuttsNutts · 13/02/2025 15:42

Of course ask your mum, Never mind that her partner owns the bricks and mortar, it is her home as well.

I live alone and wfh and choose not to have the heating on during the day because I’m fine in layers, but if anyone was coming round I would put it on.

If my grown up dc were visiting I would also put it on and I’ve told them to just say if they want it on more. I would be horrified to think that they, or anyone for that matter, were uncomfortable.

WestwardHo1 · 13/02/2025 15:40

My house physically can't get to 18 degrees when it's this cold out! It's a good thing I'm not old.

13 degrees is very cold for inside, especially when you're trying to work and can't huddle under a duvet

goodkidsmaadhouse · 13/02/2025 15:36

I keep the temp in our house low for environmental reasons but if they went on 3 foreign holidays last year then it’s not that either!

Personally I wouldn’t ask them to turn it up, I can’t stand the temp at my ILs house but I never ask them to turn the heat down, I just do what I need to keep myself cool. So I think you need to do the same - blankets, hot drinks, regular movement breaks etc. It’s just a few days.

nodramaplz · 13/02/2025 15:35

I think it's reasonable to ask- if they refuse that's their choice.
You can make your next decision based on that

Original poster
AnnaQuayInTheUk · 13/02/2025 15:35

@Itsalwaysfools I agree, but that's definitely not the case here.

OP posts:
Itsalwaysfools · 13/02/2025 15:33

Bignanna · 13/02/2025 15:23

18 is not high enough either. Minimum of 20 in my house. What’s the point of being miserly, refusing to have warmth in their house, especially if they can well afford it. I had a poor childhood and was always cold, but damned if I’m going to be now! Being warm should not be a luxury!

With the cost of gas and electric now, heating is indeed a luxury for millions of people.

Original poster
AnnaQuayInTheUk · 13/02/2025 15:31

Thanks very much for all your input.

I think I struggle with the dynamic of our relationship. For 50 years of my life I was used to treating my parents house like a second home - turning up the hearing, making a cuppa, helping myself to stuff out of the larder etc.

My mum is now living somewhere that is owned by her partner, not her, and I don't have that same freedom as it is definitely "his" house. He's a lovely man but quite set in his ways about some things. And he's not my dad so I can't tease him or disagree with him without it becoming an issue if you see what I mean.

For everyone saying to offer him money to put on the heating, I think he would be horrified and offended. It really isn't about the money (I'd be much more understanding if it was), it's about being "wasteful". They went on 3 foreign holidays last year, including to Australia, and are always going out for coffee/lunch or something. We went to the cinema last night and he bought the tickets for us all. But he would be appalled if I chucked something in the bin that potentially could somehow still be used.

OP posts:
godmum56 · 13/02/2025 15:31

AnnaQuayInTheUk · 13/02/2025 14:28

They're in their 80s and have plenty of money. It's not that they can't afford it, just that he thinks heating the house is wasteful

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HE thinks? what does SHE think?

maggiecate · 13/02/2025 15:27

oakleaffy · 13/02/2025 14:57

THIS ☝️

It's the rationing thing.

Mum won't throw anything out of her fridge, either.

It's crazy.

Rationing at such a crucial stage of their childhoods has left an indelible mark on their psyche.

''Make do and mend'' - don't waste food...my neighbour was the same {War generation} - she actually got upset as someone was giving her cooking apples off their tree, and Doreen as a widow of 90 couldn't possibly use up great bags of cooking apples.

I took them away and put them on. a compost heap as she was so distressed about waste.

Do people even use cooking apples these days?!

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Yup. Mick Jagger has a reputation for being tight fisted but he attributes to being brought up under rationing.

“I’m not at all stingy,’ Jagger counters when I ask about this. ‘I don’t know what that reputation is all about, really. On the other hand, no one likes to pay more for things than they are worth. My early childhood memories are of rationing and so I am frugal, and I do look down on people who waste things. I always turn the lights out. None of my American friends turn anything off. TVs run all night.’

i can just imagine him telling his kids to “put a bloody jumper on..”

JustMarriedBecca · 13/02/2025 15:27

oakleaffy · 13/02/2025 14:57

THIS ☝️

It's the rationing thing.

Mum won't throw anything out of her fridge, either.

It's crazy.

Rationing at such a crucial stage of their childhoods has left an indelible mark on their psyche.

''Make do and mend'' - don't waste food...my neighbour was the same {War generation} - she actually got upset as someone was giving her cooking apples off their tree, and Doreen as a widow of 90 couldn't possibly use up great bags of cooking apples.

I took them away and put them on. a compost heap as she was so distressed about waste.

Do people even use cooking apples these days?!

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I'm in my early 40s and I don't waste food either and I use cooking apples. I guess maybe my parents did it so we do it and the world has finite resources I do have the heating on (not when it's just me WFH all day though, I have a dressing gown and a heated blanket, slipper socks and a pair of slippers).
Household income of over £200k.

Some people are just quite frugal?

SAH07 · 13/02/2025 15:25

If they aren't home I don't see why you should put the heating on. If I'm wfh alone I just shut the door of the room I'm working from and use a hot water bottle or small heater. Can you try that? Different if everyone was home and not wanting to put the heating on

Bignanna · 13/02/2025 15:23

18 is not high enough either. Minimum of 20 in my house. What’s the point of being miserly, refusing to have warmth in their house, especially if they can well afford it. I had a poor childhood and was always cold, but damned if I’m going to be now! Being warm should not be a luxury!

itsnotagameshow · 13/02/2025 15:21

AnnaQuayInTheUk · 13/02/2025 15:17

@OldChairMan completely agree. But it's difficult to argue with him. Today he went out for a 20 mile bike ride with some friends, came back in for lunch (kept his fleece on!) and Mum went out with friends for brunch.

They've now gone out for the afternoon so won't be back until about 5. So I do appreciate his reasoning to a certain extent. But I'm here so the house needs heating up

No wonder they don't notice the cold in the house! I work from home and really notice the cold on the days when I am glued to my desk rather than, say, a weekend when I am moving about much more and going out for periods of time. I feel your pain, there is nothing worse than working at a desk when you are freezing.

Nanny0gg · 13/02/2025 15:21

AnnaQuayInTheUk · 13/02/2025 15:20

Unfortunately a lot of what I do is quite confidential so I can't work from coffee shops etc as my side of meetings can be overheard

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Just ask!!

Nanny0gg · 13/02/2025 15:21

oakleaffy · 13/02/2025 14:57

THIS ☝️

It's the rationing thing.

Mum won't throw anything out of her fridge, either.

It's crazy.

Rationing at such a crucial stage of their childhoods has left an indelible mark on their psyche.

''Make do and mend'' - don't waste food...my neighbour was the same {War generation} - she actually got upset as someone was giving her cooking apples off their tree, and Doreen as a widow of 90 couldn't possibly use up great bags of cooking apples.

I took them away and put them on. a compost heap as she was so distressed about waste.

Do people even use cooking apples these days?!

Show quote history

Yes, I do.

But don't throw them away. Cut them up and give them to the birds. They love them

Original poster
AnnaQuayInTheUk · 13/02/2025 15:21

justasking111 · 13/02/2025 15:18

I have a heater in the office I bought for the baby 23 years ago. Suggest you get one choose a room and keep the door shut. We don't have the heating on all day but the log burner is lit at lunchtime because it's so cold at the moment.

They've got a log burner but won't use it because it burns logs too fast!

OP posts:
CloudywMeatballs · 13/02/2025 15:21

Can you not say something like "I know that you don't usually put the heating on during the day because you're always out and about, and I totally understand that. But I need to be here to work and I'm finding it hard because I feel really cold, Would it be possible to turn the heating on? If not, I'm going to have to go find a library or coffee shop to work in because it's too cold for me." That way you're not judging them for not normally heating the house during the day, but pointing out that the situation is different now.

BobbyBiscuits · 13/02/2025 15:20

If it was my parents then I would say something. If it was a mate who I was staying with and they might have financial problems then maybe not so much. The thing is when I'm cold I will just say so. I don't think I'd be able not to.
'oh, it's a bit chilly isn't it?' then you'd hope someone in charge might volunteer to turn up the heating?
If they don't then I guess you just need more layers. Could you use a space heater and literally leave a few notes of cash out as a contribution to the bill?
My mum says her sister's house was freezing when she went to stay but she didn't say anything. I was like 'why not?!' she's far from broke and has Parkinson's so might have forgotten to put it on or something?