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AIBU?

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Original poster

15 yo dd and new boyfriend

55 replies

LilacPeer · 13/02/2025 13:42

Hoping for some advice/reassurance.

My DD is 15, 16 in September. She has recently told me that she is 'seeing' a boy in her year. They have been friends as part of a wider group for a couple of years so he has been to our house, with others, and she to his.

Last week she asked to go to his house alone and I said yes, on the understanding his parents would be there. It genuinely didn't occur to me that his parents would consider letting them be alone in his room together. I presumed they (like I would have if they were here) would have kept them downstairs. Anyway, that wasn't the case and I've had to wise up a bit!!

I told her that I didn't feel happy that she was going there alone if she was in his room and she just laughed and said oh don't be silly, everyone does that, his parents don't mind. She was very relaxed about it.

I think my question really is, is it ok for me to ask her outright if they are having sex. I am aware she's underage (as is he) but I am also aware there isn't much I can reasonably do to stop it. I think the thing I'm not sure how to navigate is privacy. I wouldn't want someone quizzing me on my intimate relationships but equally I don't want her to feel it has to be a secret and that she can't come to me.

OP posts:
username299 · 13/02/2025 14:03

I would want to reiterate about the use of condoms, consent and video/photos. It's illegal for them to have nudes on their phones.

Ensure she understands that she shouldn't feel forced or pressured into anything she doesn't want to do.

JacquesHarlow · 13/02/2025 14:01

salemcooper · 13/02/2025 13:58

I don't think you need to ask the question but perhaps ask whether she has thought about birth control. Teenagers have sex. We're biologically driven to do it and at that age hormones and peer pressure may drive her to, no matter what the law is. So I think it's better to just assume she is and help her navigate birth control. Obviously maybe a conversation around consent and being comfortable in a relationship too. But no need to make her uncomfortable or lie to you.

Good luck. I'm dreading that age with my girls!

Teenagers have sex

Not all teenagers. There's this myth on Mumsnet that as soon as a teenage girl has a boyfriend, she is "shagging" them to use the ugly word most thrown about on here.

A lot of the time that's due to the insecurity and peer pressure amongst teenagers in the UK, it's kind of a thing that if you want to be considered attractive, you need to be having sex.

Meanwhile there are plenty of us who bagged great partners and have great lives, love sex, but just didnt' feel the need to do this.

JacquesHarlow · 13/02/2025 13:59

I think my question really is, is it ok for me to ask her outright if they are having sex

You're her mother. So you can 'ask' her anything you want.

The difference I would say is, what do you want to do with that information once you've asked, and how do you intend to support her if at all?

Knowing something is useless without it being actionable so to speak. So if you know she's having sex, do you intend to support her with that knowledge?

salemcooper · 13/02/2025 13:58

I don't think you need to ask the question but perhaps ask whether she has thought about birth control. Teenagers have sex. We're biologically driven to do it and at that age hormones and peer pressure may drive her to, no matter what the law is. So I think it's better to just assume she is and help her navigate birth control. Obviously maybe a conversation around consent and being comfortable in a relationship too. But no need to make her uncomfortable or lie to you.

Good luck. I'm dreading that age with my girls!

mumonthehill · 13/02/2025 13:48

Well i do not think you need to be blunt but yes to a conversation about consent, being safe and contraception. I would frame it as it is lovely that you have someone to care about but make sure you feel no pressure and take precautions. That if she has any questions or worries that she can be open with you. Make sure she understands your boundaries around him being in your home. Ultimately if they are going to have sex there is nothing you can do. Just ensure that she has support and info. For ds I left condoms in his room.