15 yo dd and new boyfriend

You could tell her all the reasons why it's not a good idea for her to be having sex at 15 (or indeed for a few years to come). Also repeat safe sex info, but put the emphasis on waiting, IMO.

I had this conversation with my 15 (nearly) 16 year old DS this week. We have a pretty open relationship so I was able to ask him. We have had lots of conversations about it before. I think that he’s too young but I would rather that he and his girlfriend were safe than not.

I think you're right to think about having a conversation with her. You could say I know we've talked about contraception before but now you're in a relationship and may be thinking about having sex at some point, I want to make sure you're thinking about safe sex. Just start the conversation and make sure she knows she can talk to you about anything.

Of course it’s not rape and it horrifically demeaning to actual victims of rape to describe it as such. If any offence was committed it would be sexual activity with a child under section 13 of the Sexual Offences Act 2003 and both participants would be equally culpable. It’s almost never prosecuted though.

Contrary to popular opinion, the average age for first time sex is 17 in the UK, which might be useful to share with your DD.
I'd start the conversation with asking her if she understands why you are worried about being in a boy's bedroom and see where it goes from there.

I wouldn’t explicitly ask her - it may make her feel embarrassed, but make sure that she knows she can always come to you with anything and without judgement, and as others have said, make sure you’ve got a healthy baseline conversation about contraceptives, consent etc etc.

I remember so clearly how disappointed my mother sounded when she said “oh” after I told her I was sleeping with my boyfriend. It embedded a real sense of shame in me, so I wouldn’t ask the question unless you know 100% that you can react in an objective and unemotional way that doesn’t make her feel uncomfortable etc. good luck! Fingers crossed no grandkids soon hehe !

I would just have a chat that says you are there to talk to if she wants and you would not be upset with her. You don’t need to ask if she’s having sex.

I went for a week of backpacking at 16 with a mixed sex group and my Dad offered to “buy condoms” 😆 and I was like eeeew no! This isn’t a trip for having sex al fresco up against a tree, this was more teenagers all into finding a cliff to rapel off and practice rock climbing. That part I didn’t tell my parents as that’s more dangerous than sex.

I would have another discussion about consent, contraception again & offer a door open policy. You might regret asking outright. I'm quite open with my 15yo. I asked after finding condoms & not sure I loved the answer 😆 we have since discussed what's appropriate & respectful when we have a house of people (can't have younger brother running in 🙃)

What a confusing message!

My mother laid into my boyfriend at the time with the rough edge of her tongue, which was quite something, when she thought he was up to something (I was 16), pretty scary stuff, surprised he ever came back, but no we didn't get married.

I would remind her that she's too young for more than boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and it might be better not to put herself in a position where she could be pushed into something she might not really want to do or regret later. Assuming it's something she has already done or is about to do may send the wrong signals that it's OK. Obviously support her with contraceptives if necessary, but try to stop it happening first.

Just talk to her. You don’t need to go into brutal detail. My mum had that conversation with me, and I am
Catholic… and it was 1985 so forty years ago.
If I remember rightly she added a bit of humour…
Yes, once bedroom doors get shut and tellies get turned up, Peggy, there is a good chance me or your father are going to walk in and see something we don’t want to see!
Her view was I would rather you and Frank were in your bedroom or his bedroom than behind a grotty bike shed. And to be fair to her she had a point.
She dealt with most things like this with humour and it worked a treat.

That isn’t how the law works at all.

This.

Do you really want/need to know? I would just suggest that she needs to think about contraceptives. Offer to take her to the clinic/GP. I got my DD the implant just before she turned 17, as she was dating a boy and I was definitely too young to be a Grandmother.

This

Yes this would be my view. I had a boyfriend at 15 for many months and we didn't have sex, none of my friends at that age did. Thats not because i didnt have desires, teenagers are full of hormones but they are not monkeys, they are capable of controlling urges if thats what they choose to do. Also just because someone turns 16 doesn't mean they should have sex, it just means they are legally capable of making their own decisions about it. Right now she is legally unable to consent and she should know this. As her mother you are absolutely within your rights to say you think she is too young to be sexually active, whether she agrees with you or not is up to her. I think sometimes trying to be the cool Mum puts much more pressure on teenagers, it seems like everyone including their parents want them to have sex. Imagine if you are already confused by a pushy boyfriend and friends and your Mum jumps on the bandwagon.

Conversations about relationships and consent are still relevant because even if they are not having sex they may be intimate to some degree and consent needs to be clear at each step of their relationship. You could broach is by talking about consent and telling her when she is older and ready to enter into a sexual relationship you will be there for her. That way she knows you will be supportive of her if she needs you, even if you don't agree entirely with her decision.

The fact is she may not tell the truth anyway. Approach is as revisiting earlier conversations and keep the topic open. I never had sex in my parents house at that age, we found other places but would have been nice to know I could be honest without being judged

One DD, now 22. When she was 15, I said to her that I wanted her to know that when the time came, she had as much right to say yes as to say no and to be taken equally seriously. I also mentioned contraception. She had a boy friend who was a sort of boyfriend and I didn't think sex was part of their relationship. (I was right.) I respected her privacy and didn't ask. They were allowed in her room, but with the door open. Once he'd been round a good few times, we left them in the house alone to go to the theatre. I said, in semi-jest: 'Think about what you are doing and do the right thing. Under 16 is illegal. If you commit an offence, I will know and I will call the police!'

Come on, surely most of us recall being teenagers. OK we didn't all have sex, but it was an unusual couple that didn't have marathon snogging sessions. Do you really want that in your front room.

Give them the knowledge to make informed decisions. If they are going to have sex, they will do it.

My conversations with my teen DD start with "when you have sex... "
You don't need to ask her if she's having sex now, but you need to give her lots of information (also self respect , morals, set up expectations that sex doesn't look like porn etc) based on the assumption that she will have sex one day. It might be tomorrow or in 2 years.

I would not be making it easy for my dd to have sex age 15 as I think this is too young. In the UK the average age for girls to first have sex is 17.

I think it's a mistake to normalise having sex below the legal age of consent and can add to the pressure on girls to have sex before they fell ready.

My teen isn’t dating and every few months I still announce it’s time for another update conversation on consent, emotional readiness, and safer sex.

you need to talk to your teen.