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Original poster

NC Sister wants updates on Dads Condition

61 replies

Unorganisedchaos2 · 13/02/2025 10:55

Five years ago my Dad (separated form Mum) had a stroke, my sister (who lives 2 hours away) initially came down and quite forcefully insisted she speak with everyone involved in care, started clearing out his house, start making arrangements for when he was discharged etc, no issues there I had a baby and job I was happy of the help. Then suddenly a month later with no warning she decided she no longer wanted a relationship with him, didn't want any updates on his condition and she didn’t want him to know about her recently announced pregnancy and if anyone (care givers, family, hospital etc) asked me why I was to tell them to mind their business, she didn’t even tell them (or me initially) just stopped responding until they got the hint and contacted me. In anger I asked her if I should tell he when she died and she said "no, why would I want to know"

This left me in the soup as some of the arrangements she had made for his care were unsustainable (in hindsight she hadn't done a good job but was very controlling and refused to organise anything together it was very all or nothing) so I had to make other arrangements explain to people why they need to contact me as she was just refusing to communicate with anyone, it was all so odd but she refused to elaborate further.

We muddled through fine and Dad made a good recovery, it was awkward for me though, for example a few years later she was going to attend DD's birthday party with her DC (she knew Dad was going to too and that he didn’t know her DC existed) and apparently was going let him learn that she had a child in our local village hall in front of 30 other people - her plan was to avoid him and tell anyone who questioned it to mind their own business?? I put my foot down and said she must tell him or not come as I didn't want a scene, she did call him and tell him but it was still very awkward and odd.

It's also come to light that she started telling really strange lies, one was that he wasn’t her biological Dad, I've no idea where this come from or what she thought it would achieve and she obviously forgot the ancestry DNA tests we all did years ago that clearly show he is our Dad. She has also claimed he borrowed thousands of pounds and never paid it back, again this is totally untrue having previously borrowed from him and despite refusing to have any contact would accept birthday and Christmas cards with money in for years before Dad got the hint.

Since then nearly every time I spent time with her, she has brought up Dad and how she's confident in her decision and she has no issues explaining to her child they have a grandad but they'll never meet him. It's really odd as I would never bring it up as I don’t see the point after all this time and I'm always left wondering how the conversation went that way, the last time I snapped and said "why do keep bringing this up, what do you want me to say?" but again she wouldn't elaborate.

A month ago Dad had another stroke and unfortunately wasn’t found for a few hours so the long term prognosis of isn't as good as last time, we had to call my Mum to look after DD and she called my sister and told her - no issues there at all, but now she is texting me every day to ask for updates - which I duly provide. I would never refuse to keep her updated its still her Dad but a petty part of me really begrudges it - she's made it clear she still doesn’t want any relationship with him why does she need daily updates on his condition?

Im being a bitch arent I?

OP posts:
muddyford · 13/02/2025 13:38

I'm like this - doing the right thing though through gritted teeth. I wonder what her reaction would be if you said, " Excellent news, Dad has made an amazing recovery."

Notgivenuphope · 13/02/2025 13:33

Lobelia123 · 13/02/2025 12:13

Maybe she wants the updates because his prognosis is poor and she has an eye on his estate. Sorry to be such a downer, but she hasnt had any interest for so long, its highly suspicious that now she cares a jot, even second or third hand.

Exactly what I thought. She has her eyes on his cash.

Original poster
Unorganisedchaos2 · 13/02/2025 13:26

Im struggling to keep up but to answer a few questions:

  • Mum is happy to provide updates but it seems spiteful of me to make her go through my mum however much I disagree with her, also not really fair on my mum.
  • The hospital have been great but do ask that one relative calls and passes the message on as they'd spend all day fielding calls, I have offered to make a sort of rota where someone calls on a different day but everyone is happy to have updates from me sadly.
  • Dad has no property or assets, DH did notice her eyeing up a brass ornament (I cant remember what it was but DD said it would be worth a couple of hundred) and felt the need to make it clear to her that he would know if it was missing, Sister is not a thief but very much of the attitude "you have something and I need it so I should have it" never pays her way, disappears when the bill arrives etc.
  • Money has always been an issue, our parents had some money left when they separated and sold the house, from what I can tell sister got a fair chunk of this over a few years and both parents confirmed this as they spoke briefly as they were concerns she was having money troubles and needing so much help. Its very unlikely she was ever in the position to give him money and he never needed it.
  • Dad has no property or huge savings (anymore) but is a position to put 200-300 in a birthday card which she accepted long after she had gone NC.
  • Any money she has been "lent" seems to been have written off years ago by both parents, I know my Mum is annoyed at this but not enough to address it and Dad is of the view that he cant take it with him and she must have needed it.
  • If there are any secret relatives they are not showing on MyAncestry and it would be very strange that no other extended family have noticed too.
  • Dad did mention years ago (maybe 10-15 years) that their relationship cooled after he refused to give her a large sum of money (2k) he called my mum at the time because he didnt actually have that amount to give her and he was worried she was in some sort of trouble, Mum tried to speak to sister but she shut down, she did speak to Dad on an off after that and he did keep sending money as gift at Christmas but she didnt ask for a "loan" again.
  • Im not naïve enough to think she might have found something but I really dont think she did, it would have had to have been small (it was baking hot day and she was in shorts and t-shirt) and the only item, paper etc on the whole property that concealed this so called secret as we didnt find anything on the further trips to tidy up and clean, she also sat on it for 5 years which is very unlike her.

I dont think I'll ever know, if there is anything to know, which is her choice of course. I carry on with the updates as she asks for them - thanks for the input.

OP posts:
ginandlemonade23 · 13/02/2025 13:26

Slightly cynically I'd be wondering if she's keeping an eye on any inheritance

vikingnorthutsiresouthutsire · 13/02/2025 13:19

I agree that it's likely she found something when clearing the house.

Original poster
Unorganisedchaos2 · 13/02/2025 13:04

Octavia64 · 13/02/2025 12:43

How sure are you of the ancestry dna tests?

Sis is being unreasonable but she is being SO unreasonable I'd suspect something else going on.

How sure can you be, are they ever wrong? We have more than 20 shared relatives from both sides including the result showing us as siblings? Its very hard to explain everything but she has a history of making completely unhinged lies to the point that I actually just laughed it off at the time.

OP posts:
Daisyvodka · 13/02/2025 13:02

I'm wondering if she wants to be kept updated because she wants to be able to come clean with you once he's already gone. If we use the secret siblings theory, you can see why she wouldn't want to upset you and your mum while he was still living. But it is something you that have the right to know about. It's all very odd. She very clearly found something. And I think if it was something that made him a danger to your kids, from what you've written she would have told you that. I wonder if the money is related. How do you know for certain that it's untrue that he borrowed money, did she say when this happened?

Original poster
Unorganisedchaos2 · 13/02/2025 13:01

Werecat · 13/02/2025 12:18

Why are you sharing private info about a man’s medical condition with someone who treats him this badly? Has he agreed to it? Would he if he had capacity? If not, why would you do it?

That's a bit of a stretch, Im sharing very basic health information such as "hes slightly more alert today" with someone who I've obviously checked hes happy for me to share it with it. We had all those awful decisions along with end of life wishes, funeral requests etc years ago when he was first ill.

OP posts:
Bollihobs · 13/02/2025 12:57

Lobelia123 · 13/02/2025 12:13

Maybe she wants the updates because his prognosis is poor and she has an eye on his estate. Sorry to be such a downer, but she hasnt had any interest for so long, its highly suspicious that now she cares a jot, even second or third hand.

This is my vibe too.

If it was a paternity issue as some have suggested surely it would be her Mum she'd have the issue with not her Dad?

Secret extra sibling maybe? 🤔 Whatever 'it' is I do think she is being very unfair not informing OP of the issue.

2JFDIYOLO · 13/02/2025 12:53

I'd agree -

She found something while going through the house.

Or there is something in their past you and mum don't know about or suspect.

The 'not my father' thing may be a reaction to a memory rather than biology.

Bollihobs · 13/02/2025 12:53

"Whatever has happened you have to accept that she must have a good reason for this"

Really not a given. She could have a completely batshit reason, as she hasn't deigned to share the reason one can only wonder but crediting her with her having a fully valid reason that is totally understandable is a big assumption. She's hardly behaved well or with consideration for OP or others and now the incongruity continues with a 'NC but I want to know everything' stance.

OP I think you have been more than accommodating of her.

Octavia64 · 13/02/2025 12:43

How sure are you of the ancestry dna tests?

Sis is being unreasonable but she is being SO unreasonable I'd suspect something else going on.

LookItsMeAgain · 13/02/2025 12:42

purplecorkheart · 13/02/2025 11:55

To be fair if their Mum is separated from her husband it is a bit unfair to be expecting her to do the updates.

Show quote history

I understand that but the OP needs to remove herself from the situation and position of messenger. She isn't a messenger and the sister who decided to go NC should actually respect that. If the mother is separated, then she can simply say "I don't know his condition. You'll have to find out yourself."
Either the sister is No Contact or she isn't. If she isn't, then she picks up the phone and can contact the hospital/care home/wherever. If she is, then she doesn't get the updated progress reports.

WellsAndThistles · 13/02/2025 12:33

If she owes your Dad money, has he written his will to adjust accordingly and that's what she found in the house?

If it's not paternity or abuse then money would be the next obvious explanation.

To answer your original question, YANBU to refuse to be the middle person in this, would your Dad be happy with you sharing his personal medical information with someone estranged from him, I wouldn't.

aei22 · 13/02/2025 12:26

Clearly there is something that you don't know about because she won't tell you.

Nevertheless, I would just send the updates. Who can possibly say what's gone on if she won't tell you.

HarpieDuJour · 13/02/2025 12:19

Is your dad in hospital at the moment? If so, you could suggest she calls the hospital for updates. I can see how it would become wearing to have to update her all the time, especially given the backstory.

Werecat · 13/02/2025 12:18

Why are you sharing private info about a man’s medical condition with someone who treats him this badly? Has he agreed to it? Would he if he had capacity? If not, why would you do it?

Lobelia123 · 13/02/2025 12:13

Maybe she wants the updates because his prognosis is poor and she has an eye on his estate. Sorry to be such a downer, but she hasnt had any interest for so long, its highly suspicious that now she cares a jot, even second or third hand.

mihinobis · 13/02/2025 12:05

There's something happened here which you don't know about. I'm not going to speculate on what, a few things spring to mind. I found something when clearing my dad's house which completely changed everything I thought I knew about him.
Whatever has happened you have to accept that she must have a good reason for this complete change and wanting to go NC with him. And now she wants updates on his condition, you should accept that too, that she now does want to know. A few years have passed since she initially went NC for whatever reason, perhaps she is starting to come to terms with whatever happened/whatever she found out and does want to know what is happening to him.
Just send her the updates and that's it. No need for any discussion about her being NC or whatever.

purplecorkheart · 13/02/2025 11:55

LookItsMeAgain · 13/02/2025 11:48

Respond to the next request for an update by saying something like this
"Hi Sis, going forwards, you'll have to contact Mum if you want updates on Dad's condition. I have no idea what happened between you all those years ago but I'm now putting my foot down and not getting in the middle or getting involved. If you want to go no contact about Dad, I will respect that decision. This means that I'm not going to provide the updates you're looking for. This is a consequence of your decision/choice that you made and as I previously said I respect that. Hope you and the family are well. All the best @Unorganisedchaos2 "

Or something like that.

To be fair if their Mum is separated from her husband it is a bit unfair to be expecting her to do the updates.

LookItsMeAgain · 13/02/2025 11:48

Respond to the next request for an update by saying something like this
"Hi Sis, going forwards, you'll have to contact Mum if you want updates on Dad's condition. I have no idea what happened between you all those years ago but I'm now putting my foot down and not getting in the middle or getting involved. If you want to go no contact about Dad, I will respect that decision. This means that I'm not going to provide the updates you're looking for. This is a consequence of your decision/choice that you made and as I previously said I respect that. Hope you and the family are well. All the best @Unorganisedchaos2 "

Or something like that.

Tbry24 · 13/02/2025 11:47

She must have found something whilst looking after him . I’m LC NC with family and there’s always a reason if not many.

Also double check your DNA matches incase it is something like that.

sorry to hear about your dad. I’m also sorry for your sister and her child as we have no idea what your sister has been going through alone.

HomemadeMuffin · 13/02/2025 11:16

Hankunamatata · 13/02/2025 11:00

I wonder if she found something when clearing the house

Yes, it has to be this.

Original poster
Unorganisedchaos2 · 13/02/2025 11:11

Thank you @GabriellaMontez and @mumonthehill thats what Im doing now, so I'll continue

OP posts:
purplecorkheart · 13/02/2025 11:10

I agree that it is likely she found something when clearing the house.

As others said keep the updates brief "same as yesterday" "sleeping a lot today" etc.