NC Sister wants updates on Dads Condition

Unorganisedchaos2 · 2025-02-13T10:55:30+00:00

Five years ago my Dad (separated form Mum) had a stroke, my sister (who lives 2 hours away) initially came down and quite forcefully insisted she speak with everyone involved in care, started clearing out his house, start making arrangements for when he was discharged etc, no issues there I had a baby and job I was happy of the help. Then suddenly a month later with no warning she decided she no longer wanted a relationship with him, didn't want any updates on his condition and she didn’t want him to know about her recently announced pregnancy and if anyone (care givers, family, hospital etc) asked me why I was to tell them to mind their business, she didn’t even tell them (or me initially) just stopped responding until they got the hint and contacted me. In anger I asked her if I should tell he when she died and she said "no, why would I want to know" This left me in the soup as some of the arrangements she had made for his care were unsustainable (in hindsight she hadn't done a good job but was very controlling and refused to organise anything together it was very all or nothing) so I had to make other arrangements explain to people why they need to contact me as she was just refusing to communicate with anyone, it was all so odd but she refused to elaborate further. We muddled through fine and Dad made a good recovery, it was awkward for me though, for example a few years later she was going to attend DD's birthday party with her DC (she knew Dad was going to too and that he didn’t know her DC existed) and apparently was going let him learn that she had a child in our local village hall in front of 30 other people - her plan was to avoid him and tell anyone who questioned it to mind their own business?? I put my foot down and said she must tell him or not come as I didn't want a scene, she did call him and tell him but it was still very awkward and odd. It's also come to light that she started telling really strange lies, one was that he wasn’t her biological Dad, I've no idea where this come from or what she thought it would achieve and she obviously forgot the ancestry DNA tests we all did years ago that clearly show he is our Dad. She has also claimed he borrowed thousands of pounds and never paid it back, again this is totally untrue having previously borrowed from him and despite refusing to have any contact would accept birthday and Christmas cards with money in for years before Dad got the hint. Since then nearly every time I spent time with her, she has brought up Dad and how she's confident in her decision and she has no issues explaining to her child they have a grandad but they'll never meet him. It's really odd as I would never bring it up as I don’t see the point after all this time and I'm always left wondering how the conversation went that way, the last time I snapped and said "why do keep bringing this up, what do you want me to say?" but again she wouldn't elaborate. A month ago Dad had another stroke and unfortunately wasn’t found for a few hours so the long term prognosis of isn't as good as last time, we had to call my Mum to look after DD and she called my sister and told her - no issues there at all, but now she is texting me every day to ask for updates - which I duly provide. I would never refuse to keep her updated its still her Dad but a petty part of me really begrudges it - she's made it clear she still doesn’t want any relationship with him why does she need daily updates on his condition? Im being a bitch arent I?

LookItsMeAgain · 19/02/2025 08:29

I think your sister is a wonderful puppet master, pulling the strings of everyone around her.

Your sister clearly hasn't heard of the concept of being innocent until proven guilty - proven guilty in a court of law, not the court of public opinion. Your father was within his rights to continue to house this individual right up to the point that they were either found guilty or innocent which is what he did. There is nothing wrong with what he did.
That your mother and sister have shunned him for doing this speaks more to their conduct than his.

I said that your sister is a puppet master because I do not believe that your mother would have had her head turned if your sister wasn't as vocal and as persistent in her opinions and in her conduct.

For this, I would have no qualms whatsoever in cutting her off completely. She has made her bed, now she must lie in it.

Codlingmoths · 19/02/2025 06:44

Foyerstaff · 19/02/2025 00:06

tough one for your dad- I do agree that by associating yourself once crime is under investigation it doesn’t look great

What other choice do you have when it’s someone you manage on a team that all lives remotely in company supplied accomodation?

I’d say to sil ‘how nice of you to finally share. Please message someone else for dads update as who knows what you will take from talking to me and use against me in 20 years. He was in a very difficult situation and it feels extremely cruel of you to deny him his grandchild because of this.’

Foyerstaff · 19/02/2025 00:06

tough one for your dad- I do agree that by associating yourself once crime is under investigation it doesn’t look great

Justsayit123 · 18/02/2025 18:13

She’s come back to tarnish his name and see if there’s any hope of money forthcoming

Original poster

Unorganisedchaos2 · 18/02/2025 17:28

Tbry24 · 18/02/2025 16:29

Was your sister young at the time and was she ever near any of this team of men?

Show quote history

No she already lived 2 hours away from home at that point, we were all in our late 20's at the time. The job was very remote, which is why short term accommodation was often provided to workers.

OP posts:

Tbry24 · 18/02/2025 16:29

Unorganisedchaos2 · 18/02/2025 14:50

There has been an update

Thirteen years ago my Dad had a job that involved managing a team of causal workers, with the job there was some temporary accommodation available for them. One of them approached my Dad and explained that he had been accused of an inappropriate relationship with a minor (15 years old at the time) he had been charged and was on remand until his court hearing, he claimed he was innocent, there was no evidence and was pleading not guilty. He was tried a few months later and found guilty and sent to prison - this obviously terminated his employment and the tenancy agreement.

Apparently a year ago sister told my Mum that she had gone NC because Dad had "harbored a p**dophile" and she could get past that. She's said Dad should have removed him from the accommodation the minute he was told what he had been charged with. I remember Dad feeling very uncomfortable (obviously) with the man staying on but as he hadn't been charged he had no grounds to remove him, he also pointed out that they were out in the middle of no-where and that was probably for the best - as you can imagine the rest of the team were keeping a very close eye on him.

There are a few things about this that don’t add up to me:

Why has Mum only just told me now (after a year) as I have mentioned periodically that I don’t understand why Sister is NC?

Sister knew about it at the time as we spoke about it but she never expressed the view that Dad should have acted differently.

Why did sister until 4 years ago still see my Dad periodically, borrow money from him and accept gifts. Why when he had his first stroke was she happy to come down and initially arrange his care, speak to him on the phone etc. She behaved completely as you would expect a child of a parent who was sick to, there was no hint that she would suddenly go NC - everyone was stumped at the time.

Sister (before going NC) would comment on what a fun Grandad Dad must be to my DD and how she's lucky to have GP like that. A few times Dad, Sister and my DD were together she would tease my Dad that DD had him wrapped round her little finger etc

Although Mum and Dads separation was hostile (it was instigated by Mum) Mum always encouraged me to have a relationship with him. Made sure there was no awkwardness at my wedding (which happened two years after the man was charged) Called him to congratulate him on becoming a grandparent when DD was born, would coo over DD together and chat briefly at family events etc.

I honestly feel like I'm going mad. This was all a few days ago and I was so blindsided I didn’t really know what to say. I did ask if that was definitely it, and there was nothing else I wasn’t being told and Mum assured me there wasn’t, I reiterated again that if there was her and sister had an obligation to tell me given how much time DD spent with him.

I asked Mum if she thought Sister was implying that Dad was a danger or had ever done anything in the past and she said "No, but I agree with her that he should have evicted the man and by not makes him as bad as him"

This is the first time I have heard her have this opinion, she previously agreed that he was in a difficult position (This isn't surprising in its self - Sister has a strange sort of hold over my Mum and is very manipulative - as I've said previously Mum seems to have no issue with Sisters paternity claims and other bat shit lies she told about her over the years (she was apparently locked in her room for days on end at one point as a teen - honestly the more I type the more I realise how unhinged this all is) it’s a very strange dynamic and if I've ever raised it with mum, she just says they’ve sorted it out or denied sister ever said it)

Was your sister young at the time and was she ever near any of this team of men?

Original poster

Unorganisedchaos2 · 18/02/2025 14:50

There has been an update

Thirteen years ago my Dad had a job that involved managing a team of causal workers, with the job there was some temporary accommodation available for them. One of them approached my Dad and explained that he had been accused of an inappropriate relationship with a minor (15 years old at the time) he had been charged and was on remand until his court hearing, he claimed he was innocent, there was no evidence and was pleading not guilty. He was tried a few months later and found guilty and sent to prison - this obviously terminated his employment and the tenancy agreement.

Apparently a year ago sister told my Mum that she had gone NC because Dad had "harbored a p**dophile" and she could get past that. She's said Dad should have removed him from the accommodation the minute he was told what he had been charged with. I remember Dad feeling very uncomfortable (obviously) with the man staying on but as he hadn't been charged he had no grounds to remove him, he also pointed out that they were out in the middle of no-where and that was probably for the best - as you can imagine the rest of the team were keeping a very close eye on him.

There are a few things about this that don’t add up to me:

Why has Mum only just told me now (after a year) as I have mentioned periodically that I don’t understand why Sister is NC?

Sister knew about it at the time as we spoke about it but she never expressed the view that Dad should have acted differently.

Why did sister until 4 years ago still see my Dad periodically, borrow money from him and accept gifts. Why when he had his first stroke was she happy to come down and initially arrange his care, speak to him on the phone etc. She behaved completely as you would expect a child of a parent who was sick to, there was no hint that she would suddenly go NC - everyone was stumped at the time.

Sister (before going NC) would comment on what a fun Grandad Dad must be to my DD and how she's lucky to have GP like that. A few times Dad, Sister and my DD were together she would tease my Dad that DD had him wrapped round her little finger etc

Although Mum and Dads separation was hostile (it was instigated by Mum) Mum always encouraged me to have a relationship with him. Made sure there was no awkwardness at my wedding (which happened two years after the man was charged) Called him to congratulate him on becoming a grandparent when DD was born, would coo over DD together and chat briefly at family events etc.

I honestly feel like I'm going mad. This was all a few days ago and I was so blindsided I didn’t really know what to say. I did ask if that was definitely it, and there was nothing else I wasn’t being told and Mum assured me there wasn’t, I reiterated again that if there was her and sister had an obligation to tell me given how much time DD spent with him.

I asked Mum if she thought Sister was implying that Dad was a danger or had ever done anything in the past and she said "No, but I agree with her that he should have evicted the man and by not makes him as bad as him"

This is the first time I have heard her have this opinion, she previously agreed that he was in a difficult position (This isn't surprising in its self - Sister has a strange sort of hold over my Mum and is very manipulative - as I've said previously Mum seems to have no issue with Sisters paternity claims and other bat shit lies she told about her over the years (she was apparently locked in her room for days on end at one point as a teen - honestly the more I type the more I realise how unhinged this all is) it’s a very strange dynamic and if I've ever raised it with mum, she just says they’ve sorted it out or denied sister ever said it)

OP posts:

crankytoes · 13/02/2025 17:20

I pray many people on here are never called for service. Honestly we have no idea why this woman who also repeatedly lies about random stuff and has done so for years and who is emotionally immature to the point the the family just don't even bother calling her on it has gone NC with her father but the assertions and complete and utter absolutes on here are embarrassing.

It's not obvious that she found something in his house. Or that he has a secret family, another child, sexually abused someone or committed some crime or that she found he's adjusted the will to take into account money he has already given her.

Nothing is obvious. That's why the OP is puzzled.

SnippySnappy · 13/02/2025 17:02

Also, this is undoubtedly linked to your father's poor prognosis. Putting on a feigned last-gasp show of interest, and sniffing around for (sorry) if he deteriorates further in order to get her ducks in a row. I would be amazed if she does not create any problems with the will and probate process. I hope to god she's not an executor?

SnippySnappy · 13/02/2025 16:57

The hospital have been great but do ask that one relative calls and passes the message on as they'd spend all day fielding calls, I have offered to make a sort of rota where someone calls on a different day but everyone is happy to have updates from me sadly.

In your position (and I have been there and really do empathise), I would simply insist on this option. I'm sure everyone is more than happy for you to do all the phoning and running around for them eh? 🙄

On the assumption that everyone involved uses a smartphone, I'd create a WhatsApp group with everyone involved and keep all communication on there.
This then helps in terms of communication, keeping a 'phoning the hospital and updating the group' rota (which is only fair), and also creates accountability if others, such as your mum, are visible on the group.

JimHalpertsWife · 13/02/2025 16:20

Unless she has form for going all in 100% then backing out completely at short notice, I don't understand why her sudden departure (from the house, your dad's life etc) didn't actually raise a concern to you. Why didn't you think then "this is odd, somethings happened to her"?

MJxJones · 13/02/2025 16:15

Why don't you just ask her? Like you said you don't want anything to do with dad but now you are asking me for daily updates why is that? Does that mean you want to reconcile with him if so please go and see him in person. If not then I won't be sending you daily updates. You could then maybe decide to say you will inform her of any major changes in his condition ( I personally wouldn't commit to that)

Meandhimtogether · 13/02/2025 16:06

I'm sure your sister found out there is no money and thought I'm not doing something for nothing.

Original poster

Unorganisedchaos2 · 13/02/2025 16:01

Visun · 13/02/2025 14:56

I think I would have cut her off after hearing the strange lies she'd been telling.
Unpopular opinion but I think I'd just give her a piece of my mind. She can stop pretending to care, there's no money in the estate and you want nothing to do with her cruel, spiteful, lying self (unless she can give a genuine truthful reason of course). You made a fool of him by not shutting this down. Don't keep secrets from him and conspire to keep him in the dark, while he's sending money and gifts none the wiser.

This is the reality of no contact. You aren't entitled to know anything about the person you cut off. Cut off = dead to you. The fact that she continued to accept money and gifts shows the kind of person she is. I hope your father updates his will so can't come crawling out the woodwork ready to claim any money or possessions and play the grieving daughter.

Thank you, just to be clear though Dad knew she cut contact pretty soon - hes not daft but probably hoped that a few cards with money might make a difference, once he found out about the grandchild he said he would send a card a teddy (he had to ask me to pass this on as she refused to give him her address - all previous cards had been sent to me or collected in person which she was happy to ask for) but he wouldn't send any more money. All I could say to him was that that I would pass on anything he wanted - that was all a few years ago now.

DH and Dad occasionally have conversations about sister (again a whole other thread but they have a good relationship and DH gets frustrated with her turning up to parties without even a card, letting people down at the last minute etc as well as the lack of support with Dad)

Ironically Sister would probably gain far more if she had a relationship with Dad now, he's hell bent on leaving no money and we frequently refuse money from him.

Sister is very good at playing the victim so I'll continue with the updates and make it clear that shes free to visit etc but I definitely wont get stressed about it either.

OP posts:

wizzywig · 13/02/2025 15:12

Unless a close member of your dads family is her father. I didn't do well at science in school

Visun · 13/02/2025 14:56

I think I would have cut her off after hearing the strange lies she'd been telling.
Unpopular opinion but I think I'd just give her a piece of my mind. She can stop pretending to care, there's no money in the estate and you want nothing to do with her cruel, spiteful, lying self (unless she can give a genuine truthful reason of course). You made a fool of him by not shutting this down. Don't keep secrets from him and conspire to keep him in the dark, while he's sending money and gifts none the wiser.

This is the reality of no contact. You aren't entitled to know anything about the person you cut off. Cut off = dead to you. The fact that she continued to accept money and gifts shows the kind of person she is. I hope your father updates his will so can't come crawling out the woodwork ready to claim any money or possessions and play the grieving daughter.

Original poster

Unorganisedchaos2 · 13/02/2025 14:48

treesandsun · 13/02/2025 14:32

Prior to this with your dad has she done anything similar ? Is this is a one off situation? You seem convinced she didn't see or find anything and you were there at the time.

I believe she's immature and has form for bat-shit lies which unfortunately immediate family rarely call her out on and almost accept now (why my mum isn't upset about the paternity claims is anyone's guess?)

If she is called out she cuts contact until they apologize and beg for forgiveness - honestly that's a whole other thread, Ive had much counselling to see how unhealthy the dynamic has been and only been brave enough to call her bluff in the past few years myself.

I think that she wanted Dad to repeatedly contact her, send gifts, apologise (what for Im not sure) until she deemed him "forgiven" then she would start to speak to him again, its a cycle Ive seen repeated unfortunately.

OP posts:

treesandsun · 13/02/2025 14:32

Prior to this with your dad has she done anything similar ? Is this is a one off situation? You seem convinced she didn't see or find anything and you were there at the time.

Codlingmoths · 13/02/2025 14:20

I don’t know if I’d carry on sending daily updates. I might make it every few days . Reply day 1. Day 2 say you could visit him and ask, and repeat.

HidingHereForTomorrow · 13/02/2025 14:09

If it came out that she was only now interested because there may be a ‘few thousand’ coming her way if he passes (hopefully not), I’d use his money to throw him the grandest funeral and wake possible.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 13/02/2025 13:53

Lobelia123 · 13/02/2025 12:13

Maybe she wants the updates because his prognosis is poor and she has an eye on his estate. Sorry to be such a downer, but she hasnt had any interest for so long, its highly suspicious that now she cares a jot, even second or third hand.

That was the first thing that came into my mind as well. Even if it’s not mercenary, perhaps she wants to pretend everything was okay when he dies, so she doesn’t have to feel guilty at cutting contact when he was alive.

hoodiemassive · 13/02/2025 13:51

My guess would be money...maybe he has more than he's letting on and ds found out while clearing the house?

Original poster

Unorganisedchaos2 · 13/02/2025 13:45

muddyford · 13/02/2025 13:38

I'm like this - doing the right thing though through gritted teeth. I wonder what her reaction would be if you said, " Excellent news, Dad has made an amazing recovery."

Very interesting you say that as this is my DH's theory, he thinks last time she went in all gun blazing, he started to recover she realised it would be a long haul and she'd bitten off more than she could chew with no sign of a payout at the end.

Honestly though if there's more than a few thousand left after everything has been taken care of If be surprised.

OP posts:

FrannyScraps · 13/02/2025 13:41

Hankunamatata · 13/02/2025 11:00

I wonder if she found something when clearing the house

My thoughts straight away!

CagneyNYPD1 · 13/02/2025 13:38

I suspect that your sister cut contact because she realised that your dad really doesn't have much to his name. So no need to put in any effort.

But now his health has worsened, she wants to keep updated just in case there is a bit of cash available.

I'm so sorry that she has behaved in this way. I would keep her updated by text but keep it very brief and factual e.g. "no change today".