DS’s friend – would this bother you?

He's a little boy, it's not his fault he's hungry. He likely sees your home as a lovely place to be, which says a lots about what he's going back to. Unless financially you can't afford the extra food, just do him dinner and make him feel welcome, it could mean so much to him. Even if his parents are taking the piss, if you're helping a little boy does it really matter?

I feed any child who is in my home for what ever reason, but I also treat them as one of my own, so they have the same snacks, dinner, treats and rules as my kids and get told off if they don't follow them once asked or explained what's expected.

He obviously finds comfort in your home . I know its annoying and you feel you are being used by the mum but please let him come i would not turn him away unless your son does not enjoy the friendship . Funny how things have changed really this was completely normal when i was growing up . He is very young though my son is 7 i cant imagine not knowing where he is a year from
Now

He's 8 so still young and I'm surprised that he just turns up at your house on his own. My ds js also 8 and all play dates or what you want to call it is still arranged by parents. No one just turns up as that is quite rude. I think you need to send a message to the mum and also start being less available so that these play dates are more arranged rather than pitching up unannounced.

We are a busy household and I would be very irritated at a child just turning up or having to now make another portion of a meal without prior arrangement. Thankfully no one around here does that.

Raise it with the mum and if you feel he's really been neglected then with the school. He may not be though. Ds had a friend over who asked for second rounds of a pretty good meal and I was really shocked. He also hoovered down any snacks I offered. I know the mum well and he's definitely not neglected. He just had a much bigger appetite.

This. My sister had a childhood friend who would always aim to land at our house around mealtimes because they weren't being fed at home.

Obviously a latch-key kid, awful that his mum had no idea where he was. I had a similar situation with a friend when my dc were younger, her dd was at my house after school a lot. My dd's loved having their friend there to play with, though. I look back now and find it very difficult to understand why my friend would not want to spend that precious time with her dd after school. Her dd is now an adult and remembers how often she was palmed off onto other people (another friend did the school runs for her) and has told her mum that she was wrong to have done this and should have spent time with her after school etc..

Difficult to understand people who just can't be bothered to keep track of or look after their own dc.

You just need to know what your boundaries are and then enforce them.

We have dinner at 6pm and I'd expect playdates to be over by then.

However, if a child stayed later then I would feed them too.

Just send him home once it's dinner time or feed him.

If you think he's being neglected, you could raise it to the teacher and let them drive anything else forward.
As @username299 has said, it's your house, so you get to decide what happens.

You should let your DS know that Tom isn't allowed to come to your house every day, so that he isn't disappointed (if he might be otherwise).
Then you must tell Tom something like "Oh, Tom, it's a pity your mum/dad didn't check with us beforehand but you can't come today. You'll have to go home now."

I'd also possibly mention to his parent(s) that you're no longer going to be able to have Tom over as regularly and they need to check with you at least the day or two before to see if you can have Tom over but he is not to show up every day after school any more.

My eldest son had a friend who's parents were always in the pub, there was often no food in the house and he often couldn't get into the house after school. He spent a lot of time at our house and I never begrudged feeding him.

I think you set the boundaries in your own house. If you want to say no you can't come in today, that's fine. If you want to tell him it's time to go home now, that's fine too. I would be happy to feed him tea if he's there when you're making it but again that's up to you.

You’ve got to be strong OP you are being a doormat and this other mum is getting free childcare and food for her son. Like you I don’t mind play dates every once in a while. But it takes the piss if they are not reciprocated. Instead tell CF mum that your kid is coming to her house instead a few times, as you have to work after school. That will quickly put her off. Though one thing do try and keep an eye on your son’s friend re: food, when he does come over, do give him food if he asks - hes maybe just a greedy growing boy, but, maybe he doesn’t get much at home. This isn’t your problem but if you notice something you can tell the school.

I'd feed him a meal it sounds as tho he's being negated at home

There's no harm sending him home while having dinner

"Oscar isn't at home. Off you go".
He'll soon work it out.

Well it could be his parent/s taking the mick or he doesn't have a great home life.

It's not your responsibility to take on a neglected child.

He can have a slice of marmite or peanut butter on toast and a drink and leave at 6.30om at the latest.

Times have really changed. When I was younger this used to be a normal thing to go around your friends house and sometimes have tea, a snack, a drink or whatever. Rarely would we be made to sit and watch the family eat either being told to come back later once tea was finished or join them.
I plan to carry this on with my own DC but Nowadays this is frowned upon and a child/their parents are seen as a CF. Also actual communication and expectations between parents seems non existent.

You don't actually know what is going on at home for him and its quite telling, with his mum not even knowing where he is at 8pm, he may not actually have any food after school until toast (or something) before bed or he might not even get anything at all.

What has happened to the caring society I grew up in? Regularly had tea at other pals houses and they had tea at mine.
A few years ago Dd had a friend who went to brownies with her, friends mum had a baby and I saw her struggling to get to the hut to pick her Dd up - so I offered to drop her off. Did that for months, just because.
DDs pal occasionally turned up after school to play - never considered not feeding her at tea time.

Poor little lad. He obviously finds a comfort in your home. As long as DS is happy with his friend around I would let him stay and feed him but I would treat him like I treat my children as opposed to an occasional guest. Like tell him to tidy up with DS etc.
But then I'm a sucker feeding stray cats as well 🤣

His mum didn't realise where her 8 year old son was?! Together with him always being really hungry and I'd be worried that he's being neglected.

I asked if he’d had tea at home, and he said, “Nah, we don’t usually eat till late.” (This was 5:30, so not that early!)

That would be very early for some families to eat. I'm wondering whether his parents are just assuming that if you're agreeing to have him over to play, you're also happy to give him dinner. The fact that his parents apparently forgot that he was still at your house at 8pm is a worry. I mean... where did they think he was?! It also sounds like boundaries/manners maybe aren't something he's been taught.

In short, I think the parents are the problem here, not the child. How well do you know his parents? I think I might be a bit concerned about the child here, because I'm wondering whether one of the reasons he comes to yours so often is because his home life is chaotic or even a bit neglectful.

Are you neighbours? Is he just coming over and knocking asking to play or is your son inviting him? Is someone bringing him over?

I had a friend like this but my mum & dad saw that she was neglected & treated her well & had the same rules as us in the house. Years later as an adult she very often thanked my parents and said our home was her sanctuary & made the difference to her childhood. Don't punish the child for having crap parents.