DS’s friend – would this bother you?

I didn’t have a happy family, and going home was so unpleasant. I’m still grateful to the friends’ parents that took me in, fed me, and let me feel part of the family.

@AubernFable I understand that your perspective is influenced by your own experience and it's very nice and kind that you are willing to do what was done for you for other people's kids.

However, I probably wouldn't go as far as to accuse everyone who either can't or won't do the same of the lack of empathy. People have their own own reasons, issues, struggles etc. Some of them are financial. Others emotional or of some other kind. It isn't really fair to assume that everyone can do what was done for you or what you are willing to do for others and because they can't, accuse them of the lack of empathy. Sometimes it's as simple as that. Sometimes it isn't.

Some people’s lack of empathy for another child in the replies is shocking and saddening. I know there’s no obligation to care for another person’s DC, but what happened to “It takes a village”?

My nephew (10) goes to school close to me, so most evenings after school he and his friends will come to my house- sometimes just one or two, and sometimes it’s more like five(!)- to get a drink, have something to eat, play, and refuel before going to play football on the field or stay watch some TV. One of his best friends concerns me. He’s a lovely young lad who just never seems to want to leave, and it took me a few months of this to work out that he is one of a lot of siblings in a small house, and his mum seems to not care at all- not where he is, who he is with, or what time he gets home. He also has behavioural issues in school and has unmanaged ADHD so sometimes he just needs to decompress after a long day. He is a little messy and cheeky at times, but I wouldn’t ever consider sending him away, he’s kind and is wonderful with the little ones. He benefits from some quiet time, a nutritious meal, and the offer of a hand with his homework much more than any of the others and now just feels like part of the furniture.

I didn’t have a happy family, and going home was so unpleasant. I’m still grateful to the friends’ parents that took me in, fed me, and let me feel part of the family.

Oh its tricky. If I genuinely believed he was being neglected and wasn't being fed properly, I'd feed him. However, if I felt his parents were just being cheeky I'd try and inpose a rule that he always leaves at a certain time to go home for dinner.

*it’d be a hard no and I’d be telling my child to play with Tom in school if he likes him so much.

If he knocked I’d send him home and tell him not to knock again he can see your son on school*

Wow.

All my DC prefer to eat at others houses (we try but cooking is not one of our skills!). Doesn't mean we are neglecting them, so maybe the parents just don't realise you find it annoying.

They may not realise the OP finds it annoying but not realising that your 8 yo isn't at home after 8pm, especially when it's past typical dinner time for most kids is I'd say pretty close to neglect if it happens regularly.

It's a difficult one. Our house is noisy (lots of DC friends round and I often feed them) but one of my DC regularly wants to hang out at a friend's house, who is an only child so they get peace and quiet. I often offer to reciprocate but my it just doesn't happen as often.

All my DC prefer to eat at others houses (we try but cooking is not one of our skills!). Doesn't mean we are neglecting them, so maybe the parents just don't realise you find it annoying.

I'd have a word with your DC, do they actively encourage their friend to visit?

I would suggest to his Dparents one day a week, when he comes to yours, plays and stays for dinner.
Then pick a time for them to collect him, one that suits you.
Don't allow vague days or times.
The Dparents sound like they're taking advantage, so pick what suits you. Make it plain that in future that'll be the routine, they'll know, you know and the kids'll know.

I'd be concerned that the child is possibly being neglected. The fact he was at yours at 8 pm, hadn't been home for tea and his Mum seemed surprised he was still there, rather odd. At 8 pm it's way passed a child's tea time, it's dark and yet his Mum hadn't realised he wasn't at home! Yes, some people do eat later, but to expect a child to wait until late to eat, is ridiculous. I understand some parents are more laid back, but having no idea where your child is!! Walk him home next time, and see if you can gauge anything. You need to set firmer boundaries. A snack yes, a full meal no (or occasionally!). A 'Tom it's 5 pm, we will be eating soon, so it's time for you to go home. Would you like me to walk with you?'. There's nothing wrong, in asking him to leave. If he asks to stay, then you say 'I'm sorry Tom, but not tonight'. You don't mind making him welcome, but he's overstaying his welcome.

Exactly @dima201069 and give him a warning when it’s approaching the time to leave too, so that he’s prepared and ready. Don’t give him reasons, just say something vague like, “You can stay until 5pm but you will need to leave then as we’re busy after that.” Don’t be drawn into what you’re doing as he might ask to eat/watch a movie/walk the dog too.

I had similar with a neighbour’s DD. She popped round unannounced occasionally, but that increased until she was coming round numerous times a week, including early on weekend mornings. She was also bringing her younger sibling by the end!

Put your boundaries in place now - it’s a lot easier.

if this is a case of neglect, then your suggestion could turn into Tom getting told off and a battering too... be careful.

Full of compassion I guess possible neglect is not your problem then?

@dima201069 it's probably easiest to set expectations with your own son, i.e. let him know when the friend can come around and how long he can stay.

I wouldn't mind for an hour, then I'd tell them to go home. Nothing wrong with saying that, as long as you're polite about it. So I can talk to my kids and serve dinner.

Even back in the 70s and 80s when I was a kid I would spend a lot of time at friends houses and them at mine but come 1pm or 6pm i.e. lunch and dinner the mother whose house we were in would just send us back to our own house so our own mothers could feed us. Snacks were different but main meals you were always sent home.

Everyone is so intent on setting boundaries they've forgotten there's a child at the centre of this.

There is a child at the centre of this, and I don't think anyone here has forgotten that but it is also worth noting that it is not the OP's responsibility to provide childcare to this boy. It's not merely the matter of the cost of food. It is a responsibility that she made clear she does not want to take.

Just set the rules in your house OP instead of getting frustrated in your own home with someone else's kid.

@dima201069 I would agree with setting rules as to when your kids' friends can come around and how long they can stay. It doesn't need to involve any confrontational discussions with parents but it probably is a good idea to walk the friend home one day just to gain at least an impression of the parents and the environment.

You may need to raise your concerns with the school but as others have suggested do try to be careful how it's done as it may cause trouble for your son's friend at home.

It is possible that the kid doesn't get enough food at home or is being neglected more generally but I also think it is too much to ask or indirectly expect you to be responsible for his food or what essentially is childcare while he is in your house on a daily or any other regular basis.

I'm so surprised at the op and some replies here.
f I knew a child was hungry and I could afford to feed them, I would, even beans on toast or a cheese sandwich.

I wouldn't think it cheeky or rude if a child asked for food, I'd have alarms bells ringing wondering if they were neglected.

And then if I text the mum and she doesn't seem to know where her 8 year old is I'd be really worried.

And after all this "wondering" I'd try and find out, go to his house and talk to the parents, or at least talk to the school.

Everyone is so intent on setting boundaries they've forgotten there's a child at the centre of this.

This is what it's still like in some areas, my kids have been going to and from friends houses (and their friends coming here) since they were about 7 or 8, there's nothing neglectful about it.

No, you wouldn’t be unreasonable to say No more often. Choose a frequency that works for you and stick to it. I’d also be clear on timings and whether the visit includes a meal.

I'd be ok with him coming round (providing your ds wants it) I'd give them the same snack and say no to requests for extra. If I was doing a big pot tea like spag bol I'd ask if he wants some and just chuck a bit extra pasta in but if it was something portioned I wouldn't t.

How does he get home? If he walks I'd send him before it's too dark or maybe get your son to walk him half way.

I would raise concerns with the school. They’ll know how to escalate things if need be. He’s not your responsibility

I think it's great that your son has this friendship. Not long ago this was the norm and kids would be social in this way rather than structured and managed by parents. It's nice. You can absolutely parent him though whilst he's in your home - teach him about clearing and tidying and manners.
Your kids will remember you as the kind mum who opened your house to their friends. And it also means that as your children get older, your home will be where they want to hang out with their friends, a welcoming space rather than getting up to god knows what and you hardly seeing them.

It's part of the answer. If anyone really suspects a child is not being fed then of course they should offer them food. It's not being a mug it's being human.

Do other long term things too, but definitely feed the boy. Poor kid.