DS’s friend – would this bother you?

I would always feed a hungry child and I'd be dropping him home myself to check things out. Invite yourself in, ask when they are eating dinner so you can have him home in time, just be a bit pushy about it to see if it's just laziness or actual neglect.

If it was at all neglect or any hints of such I'd be feeding him every day and letting the school know. I have an 8 year old and know where he is pretty much every moment of his life. He plays out in our estate but the other parents and I check in with each other 'k and l are here now, Will send him back at 6' or whatever. It's not a free for all at that age so I'd have serious concerns.

Exactly, I had this in both instances, as a child I had friends who needed an escape, and then as a parent, my child had friends who needed a little help.

On the surface you never know what that kid is going through at home, could be argumentative parents, abusive, its not just poverty.

I completely agree with this. Contributing to this child's life could have such a positive impact and one day he might thank you for it. As a child I had very absent parents and my friend's parents included me in everything. I'm now in my thirties and we are still close - we are like family and I'm so grateful to them for them showing me normal family life.

Sounds like he’s being neglected so I doubt speaking to his parents will change much, they don’t give a shit where he is or what he is doing as he clearly an inconvenience to them. Contact social services.

I agree with this. The most important thing here is that a child may be suffering neglect and not being fed or supervised properly. I would talk to the DSL at the school. If there's nothing in it, then no harm done.

As far as you feeding and hosting him, that's entirely up to you. I would probably be happy to give him a bit of extra nurturing and feed him as long as he got on well with my own child, but you should do as much or as little as you feel comfortable doing.

He's 8 / year 3?

No way should he be hanging round someone house at 8pm and as a parent, id be round for him well beforehand

He should be in bed or getting ready by then

All our play dates end around 5:30/6

I wouldn't like this at all We have a strict routine on school days

Dinner
Bath
Bed/ book

But worrying that this child has none of this

I've got an 8-year-old and this wouldn't be the norm for any child in his class.

Different kids have different levels of freedom etc but all of the kids who are allowed to play out without a parent have to be in before dark, and before tea time, even in the most relaxed families. So the fact that he hasn't got a home-time would be really worrying.

I also don't know any parent who doesn't organise the playdates for their 8-year-olds with drop-offs and pickups and plans around meals. Even with my eldest at 10 this is still very much the norm.

The food thing might just be different kids - one of mine is hungry all of the time - and we wouldn't usually have eaten at 5.30 either. But combined with the regular visits etc it would give me cause for concern too. It would be good to try offering as boring a sandwich as possible when he asks for snacks and see if he eats it or not.

I like pp suggestion of trying to speak to the parents and take a look at the house; and also of having a chat to him about food generally. What's his favourite food, what time do they eat, has he eaten before he comes? If not what are they eating and when? etc etc. I think that you might find this is a chat-to-school scenario.

When I was a child the only place I felt safe, loved and happy was in my friend's house. When we moved I was heartbroken.

I know this doesn't help your dilemma. I think you've been given good advice about the walking him home and see what the response is.

OP, I would be thinking of having a word with the school if he is not being fed and cared for.
Walking him home is a good idea.
Good to establish are they plain CF's or neglectful.
If its neglect the school needs to be told.

If I’ve read OP’s original post correctly it appears that this little 8 year old boy is not coming to play straight from school (which where I live would be unusual in itself) and that sometimes the mum drops him off unannounced and that on others he just turns up on his own. The fact that mum didn’t appear to know where he was when the OP contacted her at 8.00pm makes me think something isn’t quite right at home.
I can’t think of any occasion that I would drop my child at someone else’s house without having arranged to do so first, or allow a child as young as 8 to be wandering around in the dark even if he only wanted to go a couple of streets away. Times have changed since our parents were young and whilst I’m all for encouraging independence letting such a little one out to play without knowing where they are or without something to eat first is pretty poor parenting in my opinion. I’ve never thought of myself as an overprotective parent but perhaps I am.
It’s very lucky that this little boy has landed at the OP’’s, but she’s now in a very difficult position - dammed if she stops entertaining him so often him because who knows where he may end up going or what if anything he’ll have for tea, and dammed if she lets this informal arrangement carry on without questioning why he’s turning up so often and it’s later discovered that he’s being neglected at home. If it were me I’d be taking him home after feeding him next time with a view to having a friendly chat with whoever comes to the door and if I was at all worried about what I found there I’d be flagging the issue with the teacher.
I can’t agree with those posters who seem to think that what this little boy is doing is entirely normal - in my view it isn’t and is likely to be indicative of some sort of problem at home.

I'd say in a friendly way, 'ok Tom, we're going to have our dinner now so it's time you went home. ' assuming he can make his own way home. If not, and you always have dinner around half 5, just ask them to pick hmi up at half 5.

I think it's more likely they're just taking the piss than neglecting him.

Our younger DS has a friend who lives nearby and didn't mind doing the odd pick up but they repeatedly didn't pick him up until an hour or two later without even letting us know so I'm avoiding helping them so much now.

Yes agree.

I'm also very concerned that his parents didn't know where he was at 8pm. I'm all for unplanned playdates, kids dropping in, feeding my friends' kids - but I cannot imagine not actually knowing where my 8yo is.

Send your son there, or ask if he can go there.

If he's not treated the same way, then you'll know it's unfair and one way

Absolutely astonished at the amount of replies saying close the door, tell him to bugger off.

A child. A child's who mum didn't give a toss where he was at 8pm at night, whether he had eaten, whether he was lying dead in the road.

The people saying sod him off need to take a long hard look at yourself.

I've read all your posts OP, but not all the replies.

Am I the only one who thinks it crazy that an eight year old boy is turning up at a friends house without arrangements from the parents being made?!

We had this with our NDN neighbours children.

Benign neglect was at play and their house was an absolute tip. Their parents clearly adored the children but we're not great at routine and would often leave the children to their own devices. I think the children liked ours as it was a bit less chaotic. I would just send them home at mealtimes.

It did drive me crackers being repeatedly asked for food. So I feel for you OP.

My daughter changed schools at 14 and made three new friends.

One ate any spare food (extra portion of last night's dinner) every day. He once took off his shirt, he was skin and bone.
Next friend wasn't allowed to shower, too expensive.
Finally another didn't want to go home to be beaten by her father. All attending a school in a wealthy country village.
We welcomed them all. We had to. A bit of food, support and hot water. They all know they are still welcome now.

A mother who didn't know where her 8 year old child is, is neglecting him. Talk to the school.

It’s quite normal here for the kids to be in and out of their friends houses. It’s also quite normal for me to have 8+ kids in my house. You just have to be firm and say we’re having tea now. Time to go. You can come back later etc.
I often don’t know where my kids are either for hours on end. Doesn’t mean I’m neglectful I know they are out at their friends. Just not which specific friends house. Sometimes I’ll feed the kids. Sometimes I won’t. I’m really happy that my kids are experiencing the norm I had as a child rather than the norm on mumsnet which seems to be play dates have to be prearranged weeks in advance and the thought of kids just dropping in and out is horrifying

I would make it a definite regular night once a week - text his mum to say is that ok with her and can she collect him/is it ok if you send him home after tea? Then mention what's been happening to school.

You'll have your boundaries set, Tom gets to look forward to coming each Thursday and school can add up the dots if there are dots to be added up. If school suggest that there may be an issue at home, you could increase to twice or maybe even three times a week?

Poor little scrap, imagine not wanting to be at home so badly that you head off to your mate's every night of the week.

This! Couldn’t agree more.

my kids are always ravenous after school and will eat anything they can get hold of. They have a snack immediately after school then we don't have our meal until about 7 but they'd probably happily put away an extra meal if they were offered it. People would probably think we're starving them too.

You could say it's time to go and that if he's hungry you can pop him a sandwich in a box or something, if his parents are neglecting him then he could sneakily eat it on the way home and if they're not and he gets home with a packed meal they'll be horrified and tell him to stop scavenging food from his friends mums? I'd hate to be leaving the poor kid hungry if there is a problem at home but it's also possible he's just a six dinner sid and just eating everywhere and no one is any the wiser.

Thanks for your response, just to clear up i’m absolutely not talking about every reply just a few that seemed especially harsh. I absolutely understand not everyone can accommodate another mouth to feed all the time, I have been there but some of the attitudes towards the child are harsh.

Child welfare is everyone's responsibility!

I'm astounded that OP is concerned about his parents not feeding him or knowing where he is, and there are people suggesting turning him away at the door?

Where does a little boy go if he's being neglected then? He is seeking safety and warmth and some semblance of normal family life by the sounds of it. Let him in, and show him that someone gives a shit how he feels.

Consecutively, speak to school and the parents. You have a moral responsibility to follow this through.