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Original poster

For thinking having lots of kids is selfish

164 replies

User788889 · 13/02/2025 08:21

So DH said he wouldn’t mind a third child. I won’t even consider it; as much as I love my two angels I don’t think I could handle another one. In no way am I saying 3 kids is a lot by the way. I was one of ten and as a child I received no attention, felt very lonely in a house full of people, and Im not really close to any of my siblings in my adult years. I spent a lot of my teen years raising babies and not getting time to be a child myself. I think this is extremely selfish. I just know I won’t be able to split my time between 3 kids and I highly doubt anyone can past 5+ children.

Im sorry if this comes across as rude. I don’t like judging other parents but I know firsthand how detrimental it is for a child to have to constantly beg their parents for attention. I was always overshadowed by a new and shiny baby, it’s not fair. And parentifying kids should actually be classified as abuse. I feel like that is a given in big families even if they say they don’t or won’t do it.

OP posts:
Vettrianofan · 13/02/2025 08:40

Didimum · 13/02/2025 08:25

While no one should be having kids without the means to (time, stability and financial), a stable population does need a fertility rate of 2.1 children per woman, so someone’s got to have a lot of kids.

One of ten is incredibly unusual.

Edited

I know of a family of ten children in my village. Aged 22 to 2.

SallyWD · 13/02/2025 08:37

My DH is one of five, and he loves it. However, I'm pretty sure that many kids in big families don't get the attention they need and are unhappy. We stopped at two because I wanted to give lots of time and attention to each child.
I also think the world has too many people. As much as I love our genes, I didn't think the world needed multiple copies of our DNA.

Swonderful · 13/02/2025 08:35

User788889 · 13/02/2025 08:34

Yes. I feel like I would be a lot closer to my family if there were less of us. I remember great times when there were only 3 of us. Now it’s like quantity over quality.

Show quote history

I have one sibling and we never speak - we haven't fallen out, just drifted. I wish I had more.

Swonderful · 13/02/2025 08:34

Bad parents come in all shapes and sizes. My extended family is small with 1 and 2 child families but there's a lot of neglect, trauma and disfunction.

Original poster
User788889 · 13/02/2025 08:34

Devilsmommy · 13/02/2025 08:31

My dad is the youngest of 12. None of them really keep in touch with eachother especially since my nan died. Personally I'm one and done and have zero guilt for it

Yes. I feel like I would be a lot closer to my family if there were less of us. I remember great times when there were only 3 of us. Now it’s like quantity over quality.

OP posts:
GrouchyKiwi · 13/02/2025 08:34

I'm one of seven. I loved being part of a big family, and we're all close. My parents made sure to carve out time for each of us on our own, and never expected us to help with the younger ones, unless we wanted to (I did; I love babies).

It's not about the number of children. It's about how the parents take care of their children. There are parents with only one or two children who are selfish as well.

You're not unreasonable to not want more children. You are unreasonable to assume that everyone's experiences are the same as yours (and I'm sorry your childhood was difficult). Flowers

MumChp · 13/02/2025 08:33

I don't think 3 children is a big family.
More than 4 is I think.

Devilsmommy · 13/02/2025 08:31

My dad is the youngest of 12. None of them really keep in touch with eachother especially since my nan died. Personally I'm one and done and have zero guilt for it

user1471538275 · 13/02/2025 08:30

I don't think we need to have children to prop up demographics. We can find solutions to that and should - other countries are doing so.

Children should only be born to parents who want them and who have the emotional and financial resources to care for them.

At that point society should support parents to facilitate their growth and development into adults.

It's never going to happen though. People will continue to have children in totally unsuitable relationship and environments, with very little thought to their needs and often out of deeply selfish motives.

This creates damaged children who turn into damaged adults with needs that are difficult to meet.

wingsspan · 13/02/2025 08:30

Your experience is very valid OP, but I don't think it means that you can judge all people who have a lot of kids to be 'selfish'.

I haven't voted because I think you are very much entitled to how you felt as a child, and having as many as 9 siblings is very unusual these days. I can imagine you must have felt lost amongst that many.

But these days, 3 or 4 children is seen as a bigger family. Some people just want to raise children and see that as their purpose, and are fully equipped to do so, then there's nothing wrong with that.

I know a few families of 3 or 4 children and they are happy and dote on their kids.

Having said that, of course if you don't want a 3rd child you should not have one. In that situation the person who doesn't want to gets the final say.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 13/02/2025 08:29

My friend is one of 12. I think she would absolutely agree with you.

TheaBrandt1 · 13/02/2025 08:28

The parents of large families always insist how marvellous it is. Not their call to say is it - the children when adults get to decide that.

Original poster
User788889 · 13/02/2025 08:26

Didimum · 13/02/2025 08:25

While no one should be having kids without the means to (time, stability and financial), a stable population does need a fertility rate of 2.1 children per woman, so someone’s got to have a lot of kids.

One of ten is incredibly unusual.

Edited

My parents took one for the team I guess.

OP posts:
Didimum · 13/02/2025 08:25

While no one should be having kids without the means to (time, stability and financial), a stable population does need a fertility rate of 2.1 children per woman, so someone’s got to have a lot of kids.

One of ten is incredibly unusual.