For thinking having lots of kids is selfish

My mother would agree as just one of four. As the youngest, it was commonplace for all her clothes to be hand me downs full of holes and they were usually boys' clothes and shoes. She is very resentful towards my grandmother still because of the embarrassment she recalls so vividly due to always being scruffy, even on the first day of term at school. She also doesn't remember ever being kissed goodnight or even hugged full stop.

There's so many variables with this though isn't there.

I have a colleague who was just born to be a mum (she's also very good at her job). Between her own and SDs, she's regularly managing 5 kids. And doing so much better, with far more individual attention for each child, than I ever managed with my two!

I've also seen parents of single children who routinely ignore them.

It really doesn't matter why anyone had the kids they did. In the end, it's because we want them, be it one or ten kids, in general. Having children at all is selfish. We do it for our own wants. You don't think you can handle more than two, so don't have more than two. The only mistake is projecting that capability, and your own experiences, on other people.

I have a larger family. One reason was probably because I thought being one of two was awful. That doesn't mean everyone should or should want to. I had the capacity to do so and have given my children more than I ever got.

I did look into adoption. That's not so easy. I would only have adopted younger children than my youngest, as I think that is better for my children to not disrupt the birth order. There aren't many babies for adoption.

I have done foster care and taken in other children. Details not relevant. That came after my own children were all here though.

None of my children have been parentified. They are my children I chose to have. Older ones have to be able to do normal things with their lives.

We have 3, I wouldn't want any more. DH was one of 4, and had a very happy childhood...it is nice to be part of a bigger family now. I am one of 2, and it feels quiet now we are adults.

Someone I know just had their 6th, which blew my tiny mind.

We’re a little village school.

I'm one of six and I love being from a big family. It was difficult when I was young though. 4 of us had to share a bedroom and I was a middle child so I didn't get alot of attention. I really appreciate my siblings now though and we are all close.

But doing that by decreasing the amount of young people really destabilises the economy, making a worse life for everyone.

Having children in general is pretty bloody selfish. I'm not sure I'm convinced that having four is worse than one, really.

Also notice how families with 4+ kids are seem as huge now. A family at school has 5 kids and they are definitely judged for it.

Pretty unusual, agreed. I only ask since some American families seem to be very large.

If you can afford it and provide what they need then it’s a great thing. It shouldn’t be a lifestyle choice supported by the state.

Yes. In the UK.

My DH is one of 5 so not quite as big - but that strikes me with his family. They have such a superficial relationship, no feelings are ever discussed, not upset or disappointment. Practical and logistical challenges yes - but not emotional support. I chat to my parents all the time and they do to me aswell about life and our experiences - but DH and his parents follow a script, work, finances, the weather.

I completely agree. I'm one of 9 and my mother clearly stated several times as I was growing up that she just loved babies.

I'm not at all close to any of my siblings, especially the younger ones. I was second born and there is a large age gap, 22 years between eldest and youngest.

It of course meant we grew up with very little/no money, no one-on-one time and no real support or guidance. And of course, my teenage years were spent babysitting and helping look after my younger siblings. I moved out at 17 and have a very poor/almost non-existent relationship with both my parents and siblings.

Speak for yourself. Literally illegal where I live until 1985.

I cannot fathom how anyone can give the necessary time and attention to more than 2+ kids - but that’s not to say some aren’t doing exactly that - just I’m not built for it. I am wondering how I will manage to properly “read” and do homework with both kids when the second one starts school. ATM we read together and I find time for the eldest to practice his reading, then spellings. I work too so I go from work to kids to work. It’s exhausting.

My DH is from a family of 5 children and they are all a bit emotionally stunted - every marriage (bar ours) has ended in divorce which makes me wonder if there’s something in them being taught “stiff upper lip” and never having formed proper relationships, I can’t imagine there is time to properly reflect on the day when you’ve got 5 kids to manage. Although their Mother did used to hit/smack them etc which she would flat out deny now but DH remembers very clearly - so she clearly didn’t have the control she professes to with her hazy memory.

Other families seem to be more functional - I met someone with strong religious views who felt big families were more functional because the siblings all looked after one another and formed a little sub community. But that’s entirely reliant on the siblings not spurring off and making their friends their priorities which some would think is a selfish expectation.

So I’m not sure. I also imagine that in families where there’s multi generational living it’s much easier as there’s more adult support at anyone time. I could manage more kids if I didn’t work and also need to do household chores/cooking/packed lunches all that jazz whilst caring for kids.

My friend is one of 9, and would agree with you. She’s the eldest, which made it even harder. She’s still very bitter about it.

I don’t think you can compare 9 or 10 to 3, 4 or even 5, though

Condoms were around long before the pill.

I am one of four, and am very close to two of my brothers both as a child and as adult. My mother was never hands on, however I think that would have been the case even if she had the one child.

That said, my lovely dad, bless him always made time for us kids in the holidays and weekends and he had a good job so in no way were we deprived, in fact we probably had more wealth than most of the kids whom I went to school with. If it wasnt for my dad, my opinion and experience of my childhood would be very different. My only issue is that I was the only girl and unfourtantely I always tagged along with what my brothers wanted to do.

I only have the one child, however my childhood no way factored into that decision.

I couldn't agree more. Older kids become defacto parents. Not fair on them or younger kids.

It depends on how large the family is. My dad was one of 8 and is 12 years older than his younger brother. He admits as kids they had no relationship but they order ones, including his sister's didn't care for the young ones, they all worked on my granddad's farm. So I don't know if that's better or worse.
I'm one of 4 and we never had to beg for our parents attention. They were really good at tag teaming on weekends and we all had a good relationship growing up and still do now (it's actually a bit strained at the moment due to family pressure but generally is good)
But then one of my friends is an only child she was lonely and bored growing up and always in childcare or after school club because her parents worked crazy hours. So a child can be lonely and lacking in parents attention no matter what size the family is.
All that said if you don't want a third child that's good enough reason not to have one. You don't need to justify your choice.

I am from a very large family and I loved it. I don't think it's fair to say all people who choose to have lots kids are selfish. I'm sorry you didn't enjoy your upbringing though.