For thinking having lots of kids is selfish

I just can’t imagine wanting to parent that many. Don’t the women want their own lives? My two are late teens and Dh and I and our friends are excited about the next stage doing our own thing now. The thought of having to continue parenting ad infinitum for my whole adult life makes me want to cry, why would you do that to yourself? I don’t want to be the Old Woman who Lived in a Shoe.

But you completely ignore the cases of abuse that happened in small families with 1-2 children.

How many times have we read about children being abused or even.murdered and how many were an only child and how many were from big families. I think quite often it is an only child or a child from a small family. Being from a small family isn't a guarantee of good parenting.

Hello OP,

How you feel is perfectly reasonable. However, who decides how much is too much for whom ?

Personally I have three. I hesitated a long time before going for the third and I know I'm definitely done now, I've reached my limit.

But my SIL wants 4-6 and I think she can probably manage them all if she does - she's very mature and hard-working and organised. (she only has 2 so far).

My aunt had 12 kids. I'm not often in touch with them as they live in a different country, but they told me they're very close and do lots of things together.

So in short, it's difficult to compare families, they're all different. Some parents won't be able to handle even one kid, others will have five and have a wonderful close-knit family.

It sounds like your parents couldn't really handle ten children, and ten definitely is a LOT ! But it's hard to set a limit (and when the chinese tried it didn't turn out that well either).

I remember reading an article about a lady who had 14 kids (she wanted a boy and openly said she'd keep going til she had one, all 14 kids were girls). She got up at 4am, did six loads of laundry a day, etc. Not the sort of life I would ever want but she seemed happy enough... Time will tell what her children think.

I can see where you are coming from. I was one of four (not a lot) but definitely had to play a parental role to help my parents out (something my parents are very open about - my dad’s nickname for me was even “little mom”).

Probably why I ended up never having kids - I satisfied my desire for motherhood in my childhood!

YANBU because that's how you feel based upon how you were treated as a child. I think there does come a point when there are more children than can be given the time and attention needed.

How ridiculous.

I definitely wouldn't open the door to a health visitor to do a random check on me just because of the number of children I have.

My kids go to school and nursery - there's adults around them that are trained to spot the signs of abuse.

I have a problem with the people who have families of 15, 18, 20+ children. I don't care if you can afford them, the resources that have to be used ie washing machines, tumble dryers, nappies whether cloth or disposable is not sustainable for the planet.. Domestic appliances are not designed to cope with that amount of use and I wonder how often they last

Families of 4 5 or 6 - don't have a problem with that DH came from a family of 5 and all the siblings get on well.

You are completely not-unreasonable in not wanting a third child.
I don't think larger families are necessarily overly-crowded, neglectful, etc - I am one of four, and we all get on very well as adults, and had a very happy joint childhood.

I agree. I don't think it's possible to give more than 2 children the love / time / energy / support / space / money they deserve. It's a very unpopular opinion though. I know what I can see though, and the standard of parenting from everyone I know with more than 2 children wouldn't be acceptable to me.

@User788889
I have the same amount of children as my mother. So yes I know how my children are growing up. They actually have it better than I did.
You are one of ten and are on here "raising awareness" to anyone who has more than two.

It varies though. My father was eldest of 12 and they were all close. He was an adult and had left home when his little sister was born and they adored each other. I'm one of 3 in the last 5 years I've seen one of them once and don't even know when I saw the other one but definitely over five years ago. So who can predict how close families should be.

I think having a small family can give a false sense that you're giving individual attention. I remember doing everything as a 4 growing up so I never really had one on one time with my parents. Never a weekend away or meal out just with my Mum.

Whereas I mainly do things with 1 child - it's too expensive with 4!! Little trips out for coffee etc so we have a lovely time together. Next week I'm going away for a few days to visit a uni with my daughter - we'd have done it as a family growing up.

Whilst this is somewhat true, it ignores the fact that it is harder to be a good parent to many children. I believe my parents were good parents to the first two children while they still had energy and enthusiasm but by the time it came to the third and fourth their attention had shifted to other focuses. Good parenting requires sustained effort for many years and many are not capable of this.

I think this is a debate that goes round in circles and there's no right or wrong answer. People shouldn't have to defend the amount of children they have whether it's one or five. It seems that no one can win. You're either selfish for wanting lots of children or selfish for wanting one. Some people love coming from small families or being an only child, others hate it and the same applies to large families. There isn't one size fits all.

Of course people are impacted positively or negatively by their childhood and that can impact their decision on how many children they have, that's completely natural. But a person's childhood is unique to them. Just because someone had a negative impact growing up in a large family, it doesn't stand that all people who have big families are selfish or will have the same experience.

The adoption is issue is completely seperate. The overwhelming majority of children in the adoption system will have experienced some sort of trauma and it takes a different type of parenting than what it would be parenting your own (of course not all the time). It's not something I would be able to do and I'm not selfish for wanting my own child over adopting one.

But you were 1 of 10.

I think everyone, even posters with larger families, will agree that's an excessive amount.

I currently have 3 and I'm pregnant with my 4th, will be my last baby.

I make time for each child individually and so does my husband.

The way some people bang on though it’s a catastrophic amount. 🤦🏼‍♀️

I have x4. Almost all adults now. We're a happy family and they get a lot from their sibling relationships. I am reassured that when I am gone they won't feel alone and that they get a lot from their siblings that as parents we cannot offer.

Is that selfish? Maybe. You could argue that only having one is just as selfish but for different reasons.

As someone from a small family, this is what I really miss at the other side. I was one of two and was happy, but my childhood wasn’t any more wonderful than a child’s who has 4 siblings in an equally happy home. And now you get to enjoy having 4 siblings in adulthood. Win win!

I grew up in a large family and also have what you'd consider a large family. My siblings and I are all very close. We didn't grow up rich, but we had a good childhood with parents who did their best. I give time and attention to my children, who don't go without. They get the best of me.

My husband on the other hand is one of two from a well off family, he had an awful childhood, basically neglected, doesn't get on with his sister or parents and struggles with issues to this day that stem from his childhood.

You have issues from your childhood that has led you to make the decision not to have more children. Good for you. I think that's a decision we'll made. Doesn't mean that others who are living differently should be put down and spoke about like they have made the wrong decision in life.