Son always misses out

I agree that even if you privately have developed this “bad luck” theory it is now quite toxic and on the way to being a self fulfilling prophecy.

You also keep insisting that his bad luck incidents never happen to anyone else—you don’t know that and its not true. Someone is always missing by a point, getting in fourth, or missing a trip because they are sick. This happens to everyone at some point.

You are—for natural reasons—forming a pattern where none exists. If he is small for his age figure out other things he can work on or excel at. More independent, individual things.

My brother had a tough few years when he had been leader of the pack then all his friends outgrew him. It was difficult but he regained his top dog status by being a tough little bastard. Height and weight are not important. Its grit and drive that win in the end.

Also and I think it makes s difference here we say “good things come to those that wait.” there isn’t any best in the world. Not only one best experience or person.

I would definitely try to scratch the narrative about luck. I think the words you put above are perfect, you can’t fix his disappointment, and if you try too hard and go on and on about it it just makes it into a bigger deal than it has to be. Just have fun bunking off together tomorrow.

The narrative you are feeding your DS about always being unlucky and how things never work out for him is harmful and needs to stop. He'll be on his way to being a glass half-full woe-is me man, if you are not careful

I agree with @MySweetGeorgina here. You keep saying about how he is so unlucky. I don’t think that’s helpful tbh. I never use the word lucky or unlucky as I don’t really buy it tbh.

The thing with the activity tomorrow and him being pulled from it last minute is very very poor and I agree with others that you should take this up with the organisers, make it clear how disappointed your son is (as anyone would be) and ask them to prioritise him for the next time (if that’s possible – sorry it’s not clear what kind of activity it is which is fair enough obvs). But that’s not about your “unlucky” son. I think rather it’s a cock-up by the organisers who ought to do better and be told. And I would deffo say do that.

The other examples tho – he gets silver, bronze or fourth not the gold. That’s not unlucky. He just wasn’t as good, didn’t train as hard, didn’t have the physique the others had, whatever the reason. Sorry to be harsh – I don’t mean to be as silver and bronze and fourth is great really. Better than all those people on the sofa. The school trip in year 7 – he is now in year 8 or even 9 if he is 13? DS2 missed out on a great school trip bc of Covid, Unlucky? no not really, global pandemic. That’s how it goes. Nothing he did.

If someone isn’t picked for the footy team – they are not as good as those who are. Train harder, find a squad with multiple teams, take up a different sport? DS2 didn’t get picked for the footy team at his very sporty uni. He was gutted. He wasn’t ‘unlucky’ tho – they just had better players that they picked. No conspiracy. He took up a different sport and has done really well at it. I really don’t think the lucky/unlucky narrative helps anyone.

@SoFull Pls for the love of God stop calling your son 'unlucky', he will carry it like badge everywhere he goes if you dont stop. I know he's been disappointed a lot but pls be mindful of the language you're using to describe him. It's all so horribly negative and kids feed on our words more than you'd imagine. Stop saying things like 'Your luck will change", as if there's some awful omen following him about. Just say, 'Shame or sorry that didn't work out, or I'll see what else you can do", or "Never mind, there'll be other chances".

The sport for instance, if he's dinky like mine were, I'd try and find something that plays to his strengths because team sport rarely plays well to small statured lads. My ds's friends dwarf him, but he's brilliant at playing instruments, we don't bother fighting for medals in sport, he just enjoys participating.

When will his luck change? Tomorrow.
Tomorrow he is being loved & treated & made to feel spec with a big of 'fuck em' attitude that you can both feel mischievous about.
Tomorrow is your day. Make it an annual event. Have a mum & son escape day.
You're both lucky.

O op I do feel for you, it’s happened to my 12 almost 13yo DD, she’s become so disillusioned with everything and dosnt want to try anymore, it so hard. My dd was fantastic at sports but then when winning races teachers didn’t care, weren’t taking notice and gave our 1st places to others, it became so obvious I because that sports day parent and royalily kicked off.

Due to health issues missed a lot of year 7 in high school but as getting better DD started trying out for teams again and even though she was better than the others the teachers wouldn’t risk giving her a place in case she got unwell. It was a real kicker when kids who had no sports talent at all were given positions because they were tall. This was another kicker for my dd, she’s very short, all her friends are tall, it dosnt matter that she’s fast and beats everyone she goes up against, even boys she always ends up missing out.

I just keep reassuring her, her time will come, yes life’s shit and some people seem to glide through life and some of us have to fight harder for what we get. I don’t push but do encourage her to try new things. Right now she’s not interested in anything which is very different to the child she once was. We’ve told her we are happy for her to take a break but don’t want her to give up, we are offering to support her in anything she wants to do, she just needs to find something she likes again.

Oh bless him. Definitely Defintely keep him off tomorrow. Plan an epic day: swimming with slides, cinema with lots of treats and popcorn, indoor ski lessons etc. anything he really loves?

When DS hasn’t felt cared for or respected in school I take him out and give him an epic day to remind him how much we love him and how wonderful he is

This made me really sad OP I feel for your son and hope he gets his lucky break soon!

OP, this might sound woo and mad but I think you’re focusing on him being an unlucky person and now he believes he’s an unlucky person. You should reframe this all and work on focusing on the good things.

Also, successful people aren’t lucky, they fail more times than the rest even try.

agree with who you know 100 per cent. Some parents\guardians place themselves on committees or boards to connect\network and be in FIRST before the news gets out.

But he’s not “unlucky” - whatever organisation this is has treated him really poorly. Yes, he’s still not going tomorrow, but I actually think just sitting back and absorbing all this as “bad luck” he just has to passively accept isn’t helpful. No one can do anything about his growth or being sick on a school trip but you can be assertive about this - you refer to “waiting for another time” so if this is an opportunity that might happen again I’d be being fairly pushy that it is really is going to be his turn next time.

I agree with the posts above, I think you've been counting and focusing on the unlucky things rather than the lucky ones. Which is easy to do but you feel a loss twice as much as a gain. I bet loads of good things have happened and you haven't counted them.

The narrative you are feeding your DS about always being unlucky and how things never work out for him is harmful and needs to stop. He'll be on his way to being a glass half-full woe-is me man, if you are not careful

Agree with this. Research shows we really do make our own luck - people who believe they're lucky are lucky (because they are more confident, take more risks etc) and people who think they're doomed will be doomed.

It sounds like he's had a normal life of normal achievements.

Oh OP, weirdly enough, i do believe in luck (although I believe in almost nothing else). Without wanting to analyse the current situation (and whether he was really unlucky or if it’s just your perception, coincidence, etc), all I can say is that luck comes and goes. It is unfair but one day luck may turn in his favour

Dropping a kid like that is very very bad form by the organisers, and needs addressing and a complaint

The narrative you are feeding your DS about always being unlucky and how things never work out for him is harmful and needs to stop. He'll be on his way to being a glass half-full woe-is me man, if you are not careful

Winning silver or bronze is amazing, only 1 person gets gold. 1 person. I do not know if you do sport yourself, but it is not actually all about being the best.

Everybody faces disappointment and there is no law that says if you keep persevering one day you will be the winner of winners

It is all about the journey, the enjoyment of the sport, getting better. Being better than you were a year ago. The cameraderie. The adventures. The fun. The growth. Dealing with adversity.

He is so young and has so many opportunities, there are so many things he has not even tried his hand at yet. Feeding him this narrative of " bad things always happen to me " is harmful. Stop it, please

Oh your poor son! What a crappy way to treat someone. Poor kid. I really hope his luck changes soon. He sounds really strong to have made it this far with so many knockbacks. That’s really tough.

OP if not already said then I would also say him that, yes it's a bit shit you were not picked/did not go etc. I remember a particular situation about 12 months ago with my then 18 year old daughter who had started her apprenticeship and had to travel 2.5 hours with the 2/3 night hotels or Airbnb for 3 months due to accommodation issues....if I mentioned the word resilience one more time she would have punched me 😂😂 good luck!

Your poor DS! Is he the only one who has been deselected? What are the grounds for him being the one who now misses out? What guarantee are the organisers offering that he will have an equivalent opportunity?

Without having any idea what the organisation is it's hard to make suggestions of how to take things forward but if it were my DS who had been dropped with less than 12 hours to go, I would send an email to the organiser and whoever is above them in the chain of command. I would describe DS's excitement at being selected for this and how much it meant to him as someone who has missed a couple of opportunities due to illness and has never had the experience of being selected for something exciting before. Then describe his evening after the news he'd been deselected. Include things DS has said and also your concern that DS is beginning to see himself as worthless and expendable and let them know how disappointed you are that their organisation has such little regard for your DS's emotional wellbeing. Explain that they need to email the school by 8.30am to inform them DS has been dropped and to ensure his teachers for tomorrow know that he may be feeling extra vulnerable.

He was great at a particular sport yet was never moved up to next squad when friends were etc..

I have to admit when that happened to mine very obvioulsy I've asked why - sometimes just asking meant it's changed other times there a reason I can help with and a few times given brush off - though that did one time make DD1 change her approach and give up with that teacher and that extra activity and try another way.