Son always misses out

Exactly. My 16 yo dd always has almost always passed her dance exams with merit and in her dance school it is pretty much unheard of to just get a pass so a merit feels like a straight pass. She has only had the odd distinction. Her friend otoh has only had one or two merits, all the rest distinctions. I just say that’s nice for her friend and my dd does extremely well to get merits, we can’t all get those marks and move on. The truth is her friend practices like crazy to get the mark, where dd doesn’t even bother to practice at home. Pointing that out to a teenager isn’t necessarily going to help. She knows the truth.

Your ds is really normal and he won’t perhaps ever get his turn in sport as this isn’t how things work. My dd is selected for her netball team. She’s good at it. A friend of hers, who now has left the school wanted to be selected but wasn’t because she wasn’t good enough. Otoh the girl is brilliant at art.

That is life. And it’s about engendering your child’s talents as much as brooking disappointment. Your ds needs to do the sport for the camaraderie, exercise and pleasure, not because he’s picked. If that doesn’t work for him, it would be more fulfilling perhaps to find something he is good at or find a lower ability team, where he will be picked. You’re looking at it the wrong way round.

As for being selected and deselected, I’d be pretty mad about that. My dd was selected and deselected to read out a poem she had written at a school performance when she was in year 6. I didn’t say anything but I was annoyed as she rarely got picked for stuff, not her forte. In your shoes I would say something.

It’s getting more apparent my dd is likely on the spectrum but heavily masked. She refuses to seek diagnosis but gets upset easily about such things and takes it personally so I do get it. It’s your job as a parent to say we are all good at different things.

Maybe take the focus off, do something else special when he misses out. Like the tounrmanet, say something light, "bad timing you can't help getting sick, but we can do xyz when you're feeling better." My kids are autistic, they miss out on a lot, they also get sick a lot and so then miss out more, heartbreakingly my middle boy wishes he wasn't Autistic. I agree with him that the hard stuff is really hard and that sometimes its really unfair, because what he goes through is unfair. We focus on him trying his best, doing the things he can and enjoying things, that's the important stuff, not how well he does. I try to focus on what they can do and what events they can get too. If he can't make it to something he really wants to go to we plan to do something else he really likes. You can't make things fall into place and resilience isn't the be all and it doesn't make things less unfair. What you can control is him getting to do other things he enjoys and is good at. Is there anything he can beat the family at? My DD is really good at a specific card game so I suggest playing that if she's feeling like she's not doing well at anything.

I can totally relate, with a kid who is wonderful - smart, hard-working, nice person - but often overlooked. I think partly because of his very niceness, partly because I myself am not part of the social "in" group that is needed in our area for kids to hear about good opportunities. And, yes, it is cumulative: if you don't get to go on the cool activity with the other kids, they make relationships with each other that they don't make with you, because you weren't present, and then they plan things together that you don't get invited to, and so on.

I don't think it is helpful to use "best things come to those who wait" because it's not really true. Nor is it true that "your turn will come" (some people never really get "their turn" do they?) or that "this will make you more resilient." Actually this sort of repeated social defeat is now known to wear away at self-esteem, not to make people more resilient.

At the same time, I don't think it's great, even in your own mind, to think of him as being systematically unlucky. It's also not strictly true. He's lucky to have a stable home, regular food, clothing that keeps him warm, a decent school, to have access to sports, and so on. These are big things! I think it's a mistake to set the bar so high that a bronze medal is a failure rather than a success. If he misses a cool field-trip, you can plan one for a weekend, so that he still gets to do trips. One of the luckiest things he has is a mom who is loyal to him, competent enough to ensure he has all the things I listed above, and that cares about his future.

As a parent of two disabled children, OP is allowed to voice her views without it being a game of Top Trumps for who has it worse.

I think you need to change the narrative. For him and for you. There is no such thing as luck. He has probably been treated unfairly, or not noticed, or not found what he's really good at yet (He's only 13). He's missed out on this wonderful opportunity not because he is 'unlucky' but because someone made a huge mistake. You need to push back and kick up a fuss about this. Speak to teachers if you feel that he is being left out or not chosen for things. The 'unlucky' story he has of himself could actually be a self-fulfilling prophecy, and a myth.

I get it OP. DC1 was the same. I felt like it broke my heart. We had to actively make our own opportunities together, which didn’t solve everything but it offset it somewhat.

💐 for you. It’s hard to witness.

This is a pattern that is wearing away a his self confidence. It was the same way with my son. It becomes self perpetuating.

You are asking for feedback.

He should hear that he deserves better. He should see it. He needs to feel it. He needs some major esteem building. A self confidence course. A hidden talent. You need to make this happen. Seek help. Whatever it takes. Not fret because it doesn’t happen.

You need to make the hard phone calls and stand up for him and put him in situations where he has the best chances to build on his strengths. This is not complaining. It is giving you son an affirmative voice.

The undercurrent should be “this sucks but we are changing this pattern!” Not that he is doomed to this kind of unfortunate circumstance for the rest of his life.

You both have the power to change this.

You sound like a very nice person. This will sound awful, but have you tried be a c.
If it’s school that stuffed up go in and really tell them off. When he doesn’t get a spot in a play carry on like a pork chop. Complain to the teacher then the head of year. Be the squeaky wheel that they feel anxious to see when you walk into the office. You might find ds gets a spot in something just to shut you up.
I know you shouldn’t do stuff like that, but sometimes you just need to see your kid get a win once. Then you can revert back to your lovely self.

You are posting on a site where many mothers write about their disabled children, so do be careful when you say your son is unlucky for missing a stupid part in a stupid play or missing out on some silly sports. Does he have his health? Clearly he has his loving parents? Not in care? Not in a young offenders' institution? He is a lucky person. Ask him to look at the situation this way.

It really, really doesn't sound like he is particularly "unlucky." So far we've had:

• He got ill just before a school trip.
• There was a cock up and he won't get to do something special tomorrow.
• He hasn't been selected for the football team.
• He hasn't got parts in plays.
• He's shorter than his peers or had growth spurts later than them.

Those are all completely normal things to happen. Completely normal for all of them to happen to the same child. More than once. I missed my year 6 residential trip because I was ill, was never been selected for a team (ever), never got a part I auditioned for, had people screw up so I didn't get opportunities, was a late developer. I'm not unlucky, just normal.

All that's happening is you focus on the negative, identified a run of disappointments, decided your boy is really really really unlucky and then, through confirmation bias, built up every little disappointment into yet another example of his cursed life.

There's no mystical force called luck. There are the normal ups and downs of life and none of us get everything we want. Get rid of these unhelpful thoughts, start focusing on the positive, and watch his "luck" magically change.

I think the message “you’ll get your break one day” is presumably where the messaging has gone wrong.

For many, they will never get their break any day. That’s just sport. You don’t take it in turns to win.

I would focus on the things he is lucky about - presumably you are healthy, able to afford these activities, and able bodied. And not in a “just be grateful” way but a genuine “we are so fortunate” sincere way. Every time he says he’s unlucky you can guide him to think about the many ways he is lucky.

@SoFull like you I don't push the unlucky narrative for him. I support and encourage. We go for hot chocolate to celebrate after a good match and I did complain to the school about the trip to have his back.

But it doesn't stop us in our own time being sad about it. The trip his response to me when I told him was 'typical, I knew I wouldn't get to go'. He had made sure I filled the form in asap, been amazing in lessons etc all to really try but in the end selection was random and he was just unlucky.

But my god it really broke my heart for him.

Hugs, it's really sad and as you say not something I saw coming or prepped for!

"Yesterday he was offered an incredible opportunity for something tomorrow. All v last minute. I have never seen him so happy. We applied to school for the day off so he could go to this thing, and he's been excited all day. Then tonight he was told that actually, here aren't enough places and the others selected can go, but he'll have to wait for another time "

I'd be telling whoever it was that the place was offered and that they can't just withdraw it like that

I feel for you @SoFull I have this with my DS15. He plays sport too and is usually consistently good but it doesn't get recognised. He doesn't get man of the match because he's always decent and the one time he does that extra mile so does someone else who isn't usually so consistent, so they get it.
Always 2nd/3rd etc never gets to the top.

School trip this year in his absolute favourite subject which the teacher has highlighted on numerous occasions how good. 70 places,80 kids want to go, obviously he's in the 10 who can't go, meanwhile his step sibling got a place who wasn't arsed really but wanted to go cause his mate was.

It's been relentless his whole life. He gets left out of things, not included etc and just left behind. He has ASD which makes it harder for me to accept as he already has to try harder. And he is the most wonderful, caring, lovely, hard working kid (and I'm not just biased, other people tell me so).

I have no advice as I have struggled too and the school trip pushed me over the edge completely. But I do have massive empathy and just a 'I'm with you'.

It sounds like you could have helped with this in the past tbh. Why didn’t you speak to the coaches/teachers/people running the groups and activities when he was constantly being overlooked or missed out or ignored or not getting his turn etc? There are lots of children with just not a lot of rizz who will be easily overlooked by a hassled volunteer running a scout group or whatever. Remind them about your kid! Go to bat for him, if you think he’s missing out or not getting picked when he should be then why were you not politely reminding the adults in charge that it was his turn?
It all sounds very passive and indeed you still sound passive. This is not an omen or a hex on him. Other than illness and similar, we make our own luck.
I might also remind him that he’s been born healthy into one of the most affluent
and peaceful democracies that’s ever existed, into a loving and supportive family, at a time when life has never been longer or easier, and as such he’s one of the luckiest people that’s ever been born. Get some perspective here. He’s 13 and he’s missed some sports tournaments. Upsetting for him but zoom out a bit.

help Him find one thing he can really shine at.
, like bring the scout group/primary school football group teen helper. Reward engagement, commitment and effort rather than achievement.

I would work with him on something he can succeed in without these knock backs. Something less competitive than sport. Maybe there’s a subject he likes at school you could take an interest in with him. My quiet dc, who was overlooked rather a lot, had great success academically in the end. We gave a lot of support to that end, largely because we wanted to boost her self worth. It’s so upsetting to watch them being disappointed. I think I would actually contact those organisers and explain the impact it had.

Your despondency really seems to be getting in the way of your parenting

the event he was dropped from - I would do/say something along the lines of, validate, offer empathy and make clear the way he was treated is not ok and that you have his back - you will make a complaint etc

missing the event at weekend due to illness - again empathy etc and then be clear this is just part of life, he’s missed out this time but there will be other times he can take part. Ie it’s not him it’s not his luck, this is life for everyone (even if our perception is that others are lucky all the time - that’s our bias - and you need to teach him to 1) process the feelings to then 2) see things rationally (not “I’m unlucky”)

I understand these things happen frequently but your responses so far suggest that you could make tweaks like mentioned above, and hopefully that helps

Op this sounds quite like my ds. Got to the stage he wasn’t really interested in anything as thought it wouldn’t go his way.

he was a homely kid but after the lockdown (he 14) and went back to school he finally realised he’s an only child and made the effort to be more sociable - that’s what helped him and it was random. Then he did much better in his GCSEs than predicted and that helped lots.

our kids need some sort of spark. Hope your ds gets his.

I've tried all the "It is all about the journey, the enjoyment of the sport, getting better. Being better than you were a year ago. The cameraderie. The adventures. The fun. The growth. Dealing with adversity" - but when you never get the breaks and are constantly missing out, that all becomes crap really. 'better than you were a year ago' only applies if it's true.

Sorry OP x posted with this from you. So is he not getting better at his sport? Why not? Ask the coaches what he can do. Or is it that it’s not the sport for him?
Is he really not getting any breaks? What breaks do you expect him to get? I know all too well that lots of 10yo kids want to be Killian Mbappe or Keely Hodgkinson and think it’s a real possibility for them. But in fact of course the vast majority of them won’t even get near that. And that’s fine. It’s not bc they are unlucky. It’s bc someone else worked harder, trained more, was more committed, was naturally more talented, taller, stronger.

If he is not the best at sport, what is he good at? Music? Coding? YouTube videos? A specific school subject? Putting things together? Focus on his strengths and help him to do so too.