Son always misses out

The event he got dropped from today aside, the rest of what you have said about him missing out on things/not being quite good enough sound quite normal to me - and I bet the majority of his peer group are in the same position. It sounds like you are he have been comparing him to a group of people who are just more physically developed and better at the sport than him rather than comparing him to more average people of his age group.

I do think the message of ‘hang in there, your time will come’ is not helping as for the majority of people in sport their time doesn’t come as they are just lacking the edge. Doesn’t mean
they are not good - didn’t you say your son won bronze? But just that others are exceptional.

Oh that's horrible for your son - offering and withdrawing like that is terrible - I think I'd be getting out my sharp elbows, and if not, doing something with him myself.

I say this as the parent of a seemingly similar child. Even as far back as playschool, somehow he always got missed - I had to actually go in and ask for the class bear because I saw that other kids were getting it for the second time, and he'd not had it once - they'd just missed him off the list somehow (this actually has happened more than once, in more than one setting, to the extent that we made a joke of it so he didn't feel bad). He's always just out of the top, he's never won a raffle or draw in his life, and it contrasts poorly with his little brother who apparently got all the luck his big brother didn't (I can't count the number of easter eggs/sweets he's won in the end of term raffles the school has).

It even extends to other bits of his life - I remember going on holiday, and his little brother had the window seat on the way out, him on the way back - except on the way back, we had the only row with no window! Or when they had some kind of collectable game, and he got multiple packets with missing special cards, but his brother got a golden one (super-rare).

And it's sad, because he's lovely, a genuinely good, friendly, happy to do anything for you kid, who does well academically (top 10, unless of course there's something for the top 10, then he'll probably be 11th in that test)

Like I say, we just make a joke of it now, and I try and make up for whatever it is at home.

I could have written this about my ds. It’s so so hard as a parent to watch your child going through this. Many a missed opportunity at school because the louder, more confident children got picked for things.
I would honestly look at him joining something like Air Cadets or one of the other groups. It has been fantastic for my ds and really built his confidence, and now at the age of 20 (and still heavily involved) has built him a whole network of friends where he is known for what he is - a kind, funny, hard working young man. Even when life is still throwing curveballs, he can rely upon his network and he’s out nearly every weekend running activities. (Sorry - am not meaning this as a promotional item, but wanted to emphasise how much it helps young people).
His time will come - it just may not be for a little while yet.

I think the op is well aware of exactly that and your post is very unfair. She's not just talking about him getting silver or bronze but missing out completely, not getting picked, illness at just the wrong point etc My son was similar and I'm afraid at 16 has now pretty much given up on lots of things. It was always him that just missed out because they'd run out of turns, or the equipment he was given was the crappy one or some random thing that could have happened to anyone but always happened to him. He got one prize through the whole of primary school, just one. But they couldn't find that particular trophy so he never got it. That sort of thing. It's awful.

You need some of your sons resilience.

Today's trip was a cock up. Validate how he's feeling. Send him to school. Move on.

What is his sport? My DC swim. In their squad there is someone faster. DD usually gets bronze. A new child has joined so now fighting for 4th. Other people are bigger faster stronger. It's ability. Not luck.

Class pets - there's probably 30 kids. It's mathematical odd, not luck.

Illness is just that. If it's always before a sports tournament could it be anxiety and excuses?

Life can be tough. Parenting can be tough. Look for when it has gone right and focus on the positives. You need to reframe your thinking.

By brother did actually grow till he was 16 and a lot of my males friend similar. Males just seem to shoot up out of nowhere.

My brother had a spell where he lost his place on his footie team as they limited to players and due to how late they did it. He played on a team which I would refer to as the rejects of all the other footie teams but it boosted his confidence as the team was more about up lifting people. Then at 15/16 when a lot are over football he ended up on the best team. He was also slightly chunky due to lack of growth so alot of people wrote him off.

In his 20’s now and a fitness obsessed trying to be a fitness influencer

Feeling your pain OP. No more sound advice than everyone else has given but if you haven't seen it, the comedy series "The Middle" is an entertaining watch and the daughter , around 13 is the one who always misses out despite giving it her all. My DD, when watching it, said " That's me; I'm Sue Heck" having had a string of drama and choir rejections at her oh so selective secondary school.

I came to say the same thing. This comment from you @SoFull really stood out to me:

I can't tell you how many times I uttered the phrase 'best things come to those who wait' and 'just keep trying'.

This just isn’t a true statement of life. You can set up children for future failure if you keep trotting out this message to them.

Some kids just never get picked for a lead role in a play, never are good enough to make a school sports team…….. and that’s fine.

I have three lovely children who enjoy lots of extra curricular activities/drama/sports, they enter competitions for fun and for the experience. I always tell them that it’s a great experience to take part in, to enjoy it and to do their best. None of the three have ever won anything or really excelled at anything…… and that’s absolutely fine. Because we focus on the fun they had taking part, and how lucky they were to have the experience. Whenever they get a backing dancer role in the show we tell them how proud we are of them, and how confident they must be to get up on the stage and take part.

If you focus on the woe-is-me narrative, oh aren’t you always so unlucky etc…..you will create a child who always feels like a failure.

However if you constantly give your child the positive message - wow aren’t you so lucky that you got to take part in the competition, I’m so proud of you for all that hard work you put in, didn’t you do so well to get that far, also that guy who won was amazing wasn’t he, good for him…… then you create confidence and enjoyment in a child.

I'm afraid I agree with this.
He's lucky to be born into a loving family.
He's lucky to be born in a peaceful country.
He's lucky to have food and shelter every day.
His hard work has bought him some success and will bring him more in the future.
He's had a few unfortunate illnesses but I'm sure there are many things he hasn't missed out on too. Concentrate on them.

And absolutely try to manufacture some more successes for him.

Bless him, I can totally understand where you are coming from!

we tried jujitzu for my son, the kids didn’t know it but they got an award after attending every 6 sessions but it was made out it was because of the progress they made, maybe something like this may give him a boost?

Sorry you're getting this shit thrown at you @SoFull . Unnecessary and shows they don't understand just how shitty this is for your boy and you.
I'm afraid I don't have any helpful hints, except perhaps research some sucessful people who've made it despite setbacks and discuss the strategies they used. Or perhaps find a sympaathetic teacher that can help boost his confidence

For those who say there's no such thing as luck. Maybe there isn't in concrete terms, it is a concept after all, but it's something that is in the human psyche, and most of us sign up to it to a lesser or greater degree. I defy any of you to say you've never wished anyone good luck, or crossed your fingers. No need for your blame-heaping, the OP has stated that she doesn't use the term to her boy.

So would I. When they have to leave someone out, they'll choose the ones whose parents won't make any fuss. It's not all about the child.

Please do provide us with links to this 'evidence'
Sounds fascinating and would put an end to many an argument.

Is this sport rugby by any chance?

If so, I can relate a bit as my DS was slower to hit puberty than his peers and was therefore smaller and weaker than they were, and no matter how hard he tried he was always going to be easy to be tackled, and his legs were shorter so he couldn't run as fast - and so was obviously not as good a player as some of the others.

If this is the case, I'd advise you to join a smaller club, where the kids ALL get to play, they all get to participate in tournaments, and the whole thing is more fun and less competitive.

You can't do anything about how big he is, but you can change some of the factors that are stopping him enjoying it...because although it's lovely to win, team sports at his age should honestly be about having a great time and being part of the team.

Wishing your DS all the best!

Children don't need to be doing competitive activities. He can walk on the hills, take photos of sunsets, watch birds, go rowing on a lake, read books, help at the drama club backstage, paint, garden, sew - where the enjoyment is doing the activity not winning. Try him with these.

Being dropped last minute isn't great, but are you sure you're not somehow projecting on him or being generally over sensitive for some reason with all this 'poor boy' sort of language? There are often reasons people don't get moved up in squads - DS didn't get moved up one time, when a lot of others did, simply due to his age, despite being technically much better, faster etc. It was the right decision at the time.
A bit of TLC after this 'dropping', if it really played put as you wrote it, but also realising it's part life to not always be chosen for things!

I think it is unlucky but validate his feelings. Change what you say to him as saying it comes to those who wait isn’t true in his situation is it. Ask him how he feels and discuss the disappointment. I would fight his corner on this one and complain as that is very short notice. I hope you can do something nice with him instead.

Unluckiest kid ever? Because he won bronze and silver and not gold?! Are you actually serious, OP??

Yes, what happened tonight absolutely sucks and I feel for your son. You should complain about it and explain to the organizers how it's affected your son. I'd ask that he is selected to go on this thing next time.

But the way you describe things is absolutely ridiculous.

Your son is healthy, he has a family that loves him, presumably a lovely home and a mum willing to go above and beyond to make him feel special and happy. He sounds incredibly lucky to me.

Your attitude is the problem.

OP, factors such as these make a big difference. Have a read of Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell for more info and cited studies. The things that make "genius" and "achievement" are only partly to do with hard work and mainly to do with social and, yes, even birthdate factors, no matter what the rah-rah bootstrap brainwashers want to tell you (and make money out of you in "coaching").

Rather than persist with what sounds like shitfully boring sport clubs, can your boy take stock of his attributes and think about where he can better use them? Has he ever done dance classes in hip-hop and tap? The dance and music theatre realms are crying out for boys. Stuff like height doesn't matter. If he's fit and athletic, can learn quickly and gets on OK with girls, he might find the performing arts a good place to unleash his evident energy and commitment.

He could also look at running, cycling and triathlon. Lots of good athletes succeed here once they get jack of team sports and need something else.

im afraid I would have been that parent and spoken to the clubs and schools until they made sure something worked out for him as it’s much easier than dealing with me again.
i don’t understand the trip tomorrow and why you aren’t in their face saying you can’t do this to my son and why have you picked him?? Even now I’d go to the drop off tomorrow morning early and tell them how their fuck up had made my child feel and tell them to find a way to fix it.

I agree...He's NOT ''unlucky''- he's very lucky! compared to millions of children on the planet.

The silly sport probably does have height/weight/age stipulations ?

Just because OP's son might be a late developer doesn't mean he is ''unlucky''. He could well become a six foot plus man.

People definitely make their own ''luck'' - negative thinking isn't good for anyone!

Some of this is bad luck, but some is just genetics. Most kids are average. In fact, 50% of kids are below average. Sound like your son was way above average for his sport, just not good enough to be an elite athlete or w/e, the same as most people aren't.

See how the rest of his life plays out before bemoaning his "luck".

@SoFull Please please don't let your son think he is ''unlucky''.

Regarding his ''size''.... My son is a late July birthday and he was the youngest in his class.

He was ''tiny''....very under developed compared to his peers - BUT he was just a late developer, physically.

He's grown now, {adult} and over six feet tall.

Not all boys are grown until they are 21.

I was a late developer {No periods til 15} and my Dad didn't attain full height til 21.

Kids generally become taller than their parents- don't give up hope!

Your son may just be a ''late developer'' .

But please stop with the ''unlucky'' stuff. 🍀

I think this is interesting. Can you take on board and discuss with your ds?

But he's not unlucky at all. He has a mum who loves him very much. He isn't a refugee, or in a war zone, or hungry. Relatively speaking, he's living in paradise. Give him a hug and tell him you're really sad he's having a shit time - stupid organisers, I'd definitely contact them and tell them what they've done to his self esteem. But if he starts to believe that he's an unlucky person as opposed to the truly fortunate one he is, then he'll develop a very negative mindset and it won't help him in life. I'm not meaning to sound trite - I know you're in pain right now.