Son always misses out

Yes the illness thing sticks out for me.more than 'bad luck' . Agree its a self fulfilling prophecy
...he has a great life and he's so young. I wouldnt say anything anymore about being unlucky. He could have an amazing break around the corner, he's young and sporty and has a loving family. The sport thing tomorow is awful and I would be really cross about this but would turn it round to a nice day off go somewhere and do something fab and have a lovely lunch. During that lunch bury all this unlucky/bad luck stuff and move on. Great things are coming.

So sorry, this is rough.

All I can say is stay as positive as possible around him.

Have a Plan B, C, D, etc., so when something is cancelled or doesn't work out he can go and do something else that interests him. I know it is rough with team sports and they require huge effort and can't simply be 'replaced'. But he shouldn't be stuck at home if something doesn't happen.

Trip to a climbing wall, starting martial arts, etc.

Has he got any pets - look st this if you can care for them (I don't mean that negatively, but if someone is home in the day a dog is going to be fine). I would really consider this if he is getting low.

Also, speak to the coaches and look for feedback. Areas to improve, or is he simply the wrong build. I did sports to a very high level. A car accident, then a change in the weight category scuppered years of training and competing at intl level... painful, but I could still take what I had learnt and transfer it to other areas.

Ok so the being bumped from the event last minute is really unfair, I’d be livid about that, but the rest, no. Illness happens, that’s life and bad timing. Getting bronze, not gold? Really? Be glad that he can actually compete and take part. Sounds so entitled.

No he wasn't

@RedHelenB

He was picked at the 11th hour. Presumably the original boy was able to go after all.

How much of the missing out on things is illness?

Is he ill more often / missed stuff because ill more often than other kids?

I say this because I’ve seen big variation in threshold for missing stuff for illness. There’s kids who’ll be there despite being dosed up and under the weather but don’t want to miss out, and there are ones who are off as soon as not perfectly well.

Potentially some adjustment on mindset tgere may help. Or looking at ways of improving resilience health wise. Vitamins, saline sprays at very start of cold symptoms etc

I agree. I would be going absolutely mad about this. Why is your son the one missing out? Don't just email. That's easy to deflect. Make them explain. Tell them you're furious, explain why and make them squirm. Is there any other way this organization can make it up to him (some special activity/prioritisation/mention just for him?). Them just shrugging their shoulders is just not good enough.

I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all.

This is a very interesting problem and I don’t think it will help to brush it off and ignore it as others have suggested.

I think it might be time for a full on change of approach. I’ve had some patches of bad luck in my life and I think when they happen you need to make radical changes, not keep going the same because then you get the same results.

I think my advice would be to get some books, films and TV programmes about luck and read or otherwise consume them together. Talk about the science of probability, but also about how some people do seem to have fewer opportunities and more challenges.

Your son does seem to have missed out on a great many things but statistically as an inhabitant of the Western World he has had more luck. (Also white men do in general but I’m not sure that’s a helpful route right now.)

What skills can he develop that transcend bad luck? I don’t know the answer but I think you have to drag this problem into the light and attack it!

Good luck! 🍀

Yes, all of this. I don’t like being That Parent, but I absolutely will advocate for my child when I feel it’s needed.

Id be furious with the organisers of this trip, and I’d be making them very aware of the consequences of their actions. It may not change anything this time, but your DS will know, and it should put him top of the list for next time.

I’d also be proactively looking at ways to “balance the books “ as far as your child’s luck goes. Keep him off school and do something fantastic with him, so he feels like the luckiest boy in town.

I have one like this. It’s not bad luck - it’s just that adults never “see” them properly, focusing on others.
Mine was the only one in the school with all top grades not to be recognised for a school leavers prize. She won a joint external prize once and the other child got the write up on the website and school newsletter.

You mentioned maturity and I think that plays a part too. Her school saw her as the little kid who sneaked into top place at the last minute when in fact she was always there, unseen.

I feel your frustration regarding the sports activity, I can only assume the school had someone they believed wasn't going to attend the event today so they started to make a back up plan, only for that child to then suddenly bring in their form or something? It would be worth messaging the school again to say it was disappointing and that if they can't follow through with offering the event then they shouldn't have said anything.

Regarding the sports, maybe he needs a more inclusive team. My son won't do any sports because he doesn't think he is good enough. My friend has tried encouraging him to go to a football group her daughter goes to where everyone gets a turn to play a match. She had previously played for a team where only the good players were selected and it didn't matter whether you trained every session and were motivated. Some teams are more about winning while others are about fun and participation.

Missing things because of ill health. Well that's life. I still remember missing a school disco when I was in primary school and trying to beg my mum to let me go as I felt better! These things will happen and it is a shame, but this is just something we have to manage.

I am sure you could turn this around and think of all the positives he has achieved:
The school trips he's enjoyed
Work he has done well in
Taking part in an event

Focus on intrinsic rather than extrinsic reward.

He wasn't unlucky until you started telling him he was.

He's not unlucky, he's just small for his age (it's fine; puberty will come) and not very good at sport.

He sounds pretty resilient, which is way more useful than being lucky.

However, I would be unleashing hell on the organisers who dropped him at the 11th hour.

Echoing all the points above that the activity are unprofessional, are you going to complain? It doesn’t change this time but they need to be told. Also, very likely people wouldn’t even see a message at 9.30pm so would still turn up, that’s not fair.

take your DS out today for the best day out ever 😊

Sometimes 'being unlucky' is a self fulfilling prophecy. You have to stop saying he's always missing out etc because it'll do more damage to him. Start pointing out how lucky he is even if you have to fake it. 'Find' a tenner under a bush "omg so lucky!", enter competitions and help him win. If he feels lucky then he will be lucky. Or at least he won't feel so bad

In terms of things like being picked for trips if its a taking in turns or random thing, rather than by ability, I think after a few times you should point out to organisers he's been the overlooked one a few times, could they divide things more fairly.

However, it seems bizarre to talk about luck and missing out about being moved to a higher team or getting a gold medal. Not everyone can be best and sometimes all the hard work in the world can't make you have the best ability. Plenty of people are never in the top team or win anything. That's life and, although it's hard most people have to learn to accept they are not the best at something without it affecting their self esteem - a tricky balance I know, especially if he is mates with the ones who are very talented. But maybe you and he are putting too much emphasis on sports and he needs to either accept he does it for fun and exercise not to be best, or he tries other things and makes it less important on his life.

Also, all kids miss out on things due to illness occasionally. Are you sure you aren't just naturally noticing the times he does and feeling it is more then usual, because naturally you wouldn't notice other kids as much? Or, if it really is more frequent than average, I wonder if there is a possibility (and he doesn't have any underlying health conditions why) that there are psychosomatic issues with getting too worked up, nervous about trips or events leading to illness? Just a thought if it really is that frequent. A self fulfilling prophesy maybe.

He’s not unlucky op
He just the type of person who may be a jack of all trades master of none
loads of people like this

You are perceiving him as unlucky because you are looking in every situation at who did better.

Some of the bad luck is manufactured by you! Most DC would never have been entered for the sports competition in the first place so wouldn't "be unlucky" and not win. You are fussing that he's second or third - what about the DC who came last?

If you push a child to compete in sport they aren't the best at you have to get used to them never winning. You could end that bad luck streak immediately by simply not competing like millions of others.

Hard work is not enough if you do not have the talent/ability required to win.

I wouldn’t want my child to do whatever this is anyway. The organisation itself sounds like an utter shit show.

Yesterday he was offered an incredible opportunity for something tomorrow. All v last minute. I have never seen him so happy. We applied to school for the day off so he could go to this thing, and he's been excited all day. Then tonight he was told that actually, here aren't enough places and the others selected can go, but he'll have to wait for another time

what was this op?
because I simply can’t get my head around an organisation doing this to a young teen

Your son is winning the lottery in life. He lives in a developed country many people are risking their lives trying to move to. He has at least one parent who clearly adores him. Money for extra curriculars.

Try to reframe it. The kids who peak early often struggle in later life. A lot of people have talent and only a few get those lucky breaks. I was a child/teenage actor who did a lot of auditions and got a hell of a lot of no’s. It made me really resilient as an adult and I just have a go at anything, apply for the job I’m a bit under qualified for or whatever because a no doesn’t phase me. And it has worked out.

I do agree that there are golden children that have everything fall into their lap but I don’t think it always translates well into adulthood as those kids can’t always handle failure when it comes.

OP stated that he'd got silver a d bronze

I would have done something about this years ago.
You sit back passively and say he's 'unlucky' - when he was in primary school why didn't you keep a careful list when it became clear he was 'ooops' getting forgotten for lots of those small rewards/privileges/selections kids care about, and by about yr5 head in to school and kick off mightily?!

Also something doesn't add up - you talk about him never getting picked then also talk about him for eg getting second/third/4th when he could have won. If he's attending tournaments and competitions then is a long way from 'never getting picked'. Some children will never be chosen for a sport team, or go to a competition, because they don't have the capability - from what you say your son has competed and come 2nd/3rd, why is that unlucky, that should be celebrated as a fantastic outcome and evidence of the hard work paying off, why does only the win count for you?

You haven't been back, OP. And I am on the opposite side of the world so god knows what the time is there but .... I am a teacher of 45 years. Take the day off together tomorrow. Another's day absence is nothing in comparison to a day sharing your love for your son.

A huge amount of what you have posted is just life, Op. And you need to stop the narrative about your ds being unlucky.

The latest situation is rubbish though. I would definitely complain and ask for how your ds will be included in any further opportunities.

The narrative you are feeding your DS about always being unlucky and how things never work out for him is harmful and needs to stop. He'll be on his way to being a glass half-full woe-is me man, if you are not careful

This. He sounds like he just isn't going to make the cut in that sport (most people don't make the cut in sport!!). You need to reframe your conversations with him about it and get him happy to enjoy doing the sport for fun, without it all being about whether he wins or get picked.

Most people will have to go through life never winning and getting picked etc. Its not the end of the world.