Son always misses out

Stick up for him. Forcefully. Embarrassing, and hard. But doable. Can you do it?

To everyone saying sometimes you've got to be 'that parent'...yeah. Absolutely. Kick off! What have you got to lose? I remember my stepson travelling to all these games and just being left on the bench by all these awful 'coach' type blokes who thought they were the manager of England! They were just kids, they all should've had a go. We let it go. But shouldn't have, I know that now.

It also occurred to me that if he has often had to pull out of things at the last minute due to illness, that itself could be a reason people are cautious of giving him a role where they would be relying on him.

OP I do wonder why he and you are both so focussed on him being “the best” at things. Does it matter if he doesn’t win? Most kids don’t win things or make the first team, after all.

I was a fairly average child, I enjoyed lots of different things and was happy to just participate but I never got solos/ main parts/ first team - I was always in the chorus, in the background, on the B team. But it didn’t matter as I was having fun and learning new skills! It hasn’t set me back in life at all - I now have a “successful” job and a lovely husband, family and house.

Unless it’s his goal to be an Olympian or an Oscar-winning actor, why does it matter if he’s not coming first in things or getting main parts? I’m not sure those things make you happier?

It is unlucky to have a serious illness as a child, I’ll give you that, and it sounds like much of the other things come from that? I’ve had a couple of scrapes with my health and as a consequence am very grateful for my overall good health, which makes a huge difference to having an “easier” life. But in general I don’t think not coming first or making the team should really matter and you can definitely help him change his mindset to just enjoying being involved rather than looking for a particular outcome.

Does he just have a glass-half-full attitude? Can you imagine someone with a different personality not noticing these setbacks, and instead being happy with other small wins that they do get?

As his parent, you will obviously be so invested that you share his feelings, whatever they are.

Just a hand hold. Things will get better and he will get his chance xx

You may not say it to him but you clearly feel it. If he’s a smart boy he will be able to see that you actually do agree and he’s the unluckiest person in the world. Your very post perpetuates how “unlucky” he is and I can see where he gets his outlook from. Circumstances and the universe will at times intervene, but there is still a lot to be said for the concept that “a real man makes his own luck”. For example, you chose to post about how unlucky your son is and have doubled down when challenged. A person who makes their own luck might instead have posted asking about ways in which to increase their son’s opportunities. I had 3 miscarriages and the child I eventually had was born with a disability and her birth was so horrific I have had to have 4 corrective surgeries to try and patch me up. I do not feel remotely unlucky about that, instead I feel incredibly blessed that I have my child. Good luck happens when you search for opportunities and silver linings. Bad luck happens when you insist good things never happen to you and you look at your mother and know that deep down she agrees.

Sooo he’s not “unlucky”, he has an illness?

Absolutely agree he was unlucky to get ill. He’s done amazing if he was in hospital for over a year in and out and now he’s up there with the best of them. He’s lucky he’s now healthy. Isn’t there anything is interested in where you don’t have to come first second or third like a team game? But yeah, like other posters have said you seem to have a theory about luck and it’s not helping even though you say you’re not mentioning it to him it’s coming over.

That’s really bad that they cancelled last min. I would say you have taken day off school and he is going, end of.
Make sure that you make a massive complaint to them and tell them you expect them to pick him next time as he was so upset.

My daughter was, as a child and teenager, exceptionally good at a fairly niche sport.

As someone with severe physical limitations and a very average family income to try to fund elite level sport, she was very well aware of the advantages others had over her - both financial (lots of rich families funding personal coaches for international travel, being able to participate in as many competitions and training events as they wish regardless of cost, all the best equipment and resources) and personal (being the youngest and smallest by some way in her cohort, and the only one with a physical disability.)

However, she was always also very aware that being a child who enjoyed her sport and whose parents facilitated and enabled her sports participation at a high level, in itself, made her very, very lucky indeed.

Luckier than the vast majority of children whose parents couldn’t afford to take them to sports training and competition at anything above social participation level, or who could afford it but whose other work or family commitments made it impossible.

Luckier than the children whose parents were happy for their children to take up a sport at school or social club but had no interest in putting themselves out to help them take it further, once actual parental commitment was needed.

So she hated losing. But she never, ever felt she was unlucky for not winning.

Your son has parents who put themselves out to help him get the most he can out of his sport. He’s very, very lucky - just because you don’t see all of the children who might have excelled but don’t even get to the stage of participating doesn’t mean he isn’t luckier than them.

if you think things aren’t fair, this may be true. But he’s definitely not unlucky.

I can only offer the view that there are many ways of getting to where you want to be and the path is not always straightforward. I’m the parent of three grown up children, including very academically differing twins. There are swings and roundabouts to every situation although sometimes they appear very well hidden.

It’s so hard to watch your child face hurt and disappointment and I’m sure you wish you could feel the hurt for your DS.
so while of course we can count all the good things our kids have, it’s still painful to see them hurting over the disappointments, especially when it seems constant.
Hope things start to improve for your DS and for you too

Seconded.

My son has recently spent 308 days in hospital due to complications with cancer. He not only got cancer which obviously most children don't get but the complications he got meant he almost died, then had to spend a lengthy period in hospital and now has to learn how to walk again so suddenly finds himself in a wheelchair.

Now that's unlucky.

He'd give anything to be able to come 2nd, 3rd or even last at a sport. Right now he can't play his sport at all and is desperate to get back to it.

OP, your son has his health. He's incredibly lucky.

I know this might sound totally woo woo! But he can ask for things from the universe, help with things, clarify on what decisions to make, to get more good fortune/opportunities come his way. Start with something small, and he might start to notice the hidden opportunities. And start thinking of three things to be grateful for at the start of each day, starting with gratitude can massively change perspective. So even if he doesn’t get more luck, he might just be that less bothered ☺️

Excellent post.

• It really, really doesn't sound like he is particularly "unlucky." So far we've had: • He got ill just before a school trip. • There was a cock up and he won't get to do something special tomorrow. • He hasn't been selected for the football team. • He hasn't got parts in plays. • He's shorter than his peers or had growth spurts later than them. Those are all completely normal things to happen. Completely normal for all of them to happen to the same child. More than once*

This. I don't think this unlucky/missing out/youll get your break narrative is helpful at all. All kids get sick and miss things. Most kids don't get parts in plays or get selected for competitive sports.

These are all totally normal things for most people. He sounds like an average child, as most are. Most kids aren't the star, the winner, or getting big breaks.

Just let him be an average kid. Stop telling him to wait for his time.

Reading between the lines it sounds like he is ill an awful lot of the time, could this mean when he misses things due to ill health he sort of goes out of peoples heads so when they’re arranging things or they’re worried he will be ill and let them down ??

@SoFull I could have wrote this myself about my eldest DS. He tried his hardest but never quite made it or stood out while his younger sibling was team captain, regular man of the match etc. My heart would break for him. Fast forward and he’s now working for one of the big 4 and he’s regularly recognised for his talents. He’s just been unanimously voted to be the upcoming seasons team captain for his sports team. Your son’s time will come and you will be his biggest cheerleader.

I agree and i would email or better still ring them and speak to the organiser/boss.it’s not fair on your son at all bless him.his day will come xx

I agree they shouldn't have offered him a space unless they absolutely knew there were enough spaces. You said he was picked last week to play in a tournament but was ill so couldn't play. He was ill again and missed the school trip. So he is being included but is often ill. Can you sign him up to sports clubs outside of school?

The Mon competitive, all inclusive, everybody gets a turn, is fine in primary school but by secondary school the best players wouldn't want to play in a team that always loses because they don't pick the best players. I agree there are teams of different standards so everyone can join a team at their own level. How would you feel if your child played cricket to county level, won the county series for aquathlon, swam for his town and was good at all sports including representing his school for cross country, swimming and cricket and when the achievement awards night comes we were invited which indicates your child will be given an award. DS was given a 100 percent attendance award and an award to or being an outstanding role model. Neither of which he cared about. He had to watch a child who wins nothing, doesn't play for any of the school sports teams and according to my DS is crap at sport win the outstanding sports player of the year award, his achievements read out were he helped the teacher tidy up after PE lessons. My DS got up and walked out dumping his 2 awards in the bin on his way out. 2 weeks later the Head of PE picked him to represent the school in a big cross country competition and my DS said no, ask the outstanding sports player of the year to represent the school. This teacher rang home to ask us to encourage DS to do the cross country. We said it was entirely up to DS but he was upset they chose a person who was really poor at sport to win the outstanding sports person award and we were told DS couldn't win it because he had already won 2 awards and their was a cap of 2. We said so if he'd missed a few days off school and didn't have 100 percent attendance he could have won the sports award. DS was so angry the teacher rang us at home he resigned from all the school teams and he was captain of the cricket team. He told the PE department to play the outstanding player. It was stated in the programme the Sports award was for achievement not for effort. Another student won the Sports award for effort.

Please don’t tell him he’s unlucky or make too big a deal if it all. Take him out for a special treat and hope things change for the better.

He's not 'always' missing out. Your posts refer to him having opportunities that he's then ill for or can't make, so he's getting the chances. Show him you are resilient and help him to be resilient, saying 'always' missing out is creating that mindset. Neither of you can help that he hit puberty later and perhaps there were rose tinted glasses whilst he was on primary school in terms of his athletic ability.
Hell find his thing, but it'll be easier if he can roll with the punches rather than have you fostering the negative mindset.

@roselilylavender

That alphabetical thing has happened to me more than once. I’m an L surname so I always come last whenever they switch the alphabetical order. Then after this had happened two years running they switched to random and I came last again! You have to laugh, I guess. 🙃