To think poorly of the OW in this situation?

They're both horrible but he probably makes out that he's a better dad than he is, ie saying they facetime every night.

There’s no one quite as psychotically selfish and tunnel visioned as people who’ve “found true love” in an affair. Why do they expect everyone around them to be delighted for them?. And yes whilst the OW owed you nothing it’s just the shittiest of human behaviour. You’re right to be angry and in this situation I’d be inviting a friend round to laugh at this woman’s social media pages (yes it’s petty and pathetic but sometimes you just gotta go there)

But you know what they say about when a mistress becomes a wife she leaves an open vacancy

I am sure you are devastated but you have got to let go of the idea that she should have had compassion. Now mind you would I do this no way on earth. Would you do this no way on earth. But honestly plenty of both women and men do this with out a care in the world. Sadly it's reality. The best revenge is moving on.

I didn't say the relationship would be doomed and I completely agree that a relationship won't be necessarily be doomed just because it started as an affair. My marriage started as an affair and as I said on that other thread 'It seems to be working out so far, but it's only been 32 years, so I'll have to let you know how it goes.'

But this man goes for months without seeing his small children. You can't tell me she won't see him in a completely different light once she has children of her own and she gets a call to say he's working late or he has to stay away from home on business. She's bound to feel some insecurity, having observed the ease with which he lied to his wife to be with her, and how readily he walked away from his children to prioritise her. Even if she's got nothing to worry about, she will never be able to trust him 100%. She'll always wonder.

Women dont need to prioritise family values in their search for a partner just because theyre women. Maybe she just wants sex and fun, and hes perfectly suitable for that for her.

@Agix Why not have sex and fun with someone single though?

He will go months without seeing our children

I cannot understand how men can do this? It’s inhumane.

It just goes to show what an utter dud he is, so it sounds like they deserve each other.

Your ex is an opportunistic prick, but you fell for him too. If your only question is should you judge his current girlfriend, then maybe not.

I think you're right, @PandaTime Everyone finds justifications for their behavior, because they can't face being the bad guy.

@ItGhoul I know what you're saying about wanting a different type of relationship, but it's all a bit sad and sordid really.

A man being a good father or family man is probably not a quality she cares about in a lover. Makes sense judging by the current set up of the relationship. Women dont need to prioritise family values in their search for a partner just because theyre women. Maybe she just wants sex and fun, and hes perfectly suitable for that for her.

He could have said no. He is 100% responsible for breaking up your family. He could have said no. Even if SHE had said no, he still wanted to - and is that any better? He likely would have broken up your family eventually even if she had rejected him, since it was something he wanted to do. He wouldve just done it with someone else.

what you are doing is removing the blame from the person who actually cheated, that's what I find interesting.

HE made a commitment to his wife/partner, HE had children, HE lied and cheated, but somehow he's only 50% responsible?

Woman are so powerful that it's on them if a man can't stay in a committed relationship but breaks up from his first partner?

Fascinating reasoning.

You can blame the woman all you like but your ex is the one who is supposed to have a relationship with his children. It should be stronger than any other - including any relationship he had with you.

He - and only he - has decided that his children really don't matter. There is not a single good thing to say about him but your focus is on the other woman and you're delighting in the same old posters here spouting off that she's a homewrecker.

She is not your concern. He could have put a stop to all of this before it ever started yet chose not to. That is on him. Entirely on him. This woman is irrelevant because your ex is a cheat and if it hadn't been this woman, it would have been another one.

Your children's father doesn't give a hoot about them; he's a louse and there are no redeeming qualities.

I am not an hypocrite, and I don't make big statement pretending that I am special, that's the difference between you and me.

True

I think when ex-wives say ‘But why would the OW want someone who cheated on his wife / doesn’t prioritise his kids / whatever’ they’re often wrongly assuming that the OW wants the same things from a relationship that they did. And of course in some cases they do.

But there are also plenty of women who aren’t looking for the cosy domesticity of a marriage-and-kids type.

I’m guessing the OW in the OP’s case is enjoying the holidays and the freedom of not living with him and not having to play stepmum. She’s not getting the domestic set-up or the ‘serious’ side, but she probably doesn’t want that.

I also think relationships and breakups and the reasons people fall for one another are just not as simple as we’d like to believe them to be. I’ve never been the OW and I’d like to think I never would be, but life is complicated, love is complicated and people are flawed and make mistakes. It’s just not as simple as we wish it was.

Sorry but this is just codswallop. Of course she should be held to exactly the same moral account. She knew he was married. She knew he had kids. And she’s 50/50 responsible for splitting the family up and causing so much distress. And other women finding excuses to absolve women with such shitty morals and low standards of any blame is a crock of shit.

Utter rubbish. Plenty of threads about cheating being looked down upon whoever does it.

And no, I haven't said if the husband cheats it is the OW's fault. I've said it is both, as have others. Neither person's behaviour is decent. But I don't expect you to comprehend that as you don't think we owe strangers anything! And that is nothing to do with me being the opposite of a keyboard warrior as you so deftly put it. It's called having decency, respect for others and morals as without these things, and if we all thought like you'd, there'd be a breakdown of society. Thank god, some of us are up here. Strive to be better, think of others, do unto others as you would have them do unto you - yes a phrase from the Bible and I'm not religious but you're so one dimensional, selfish sounding and unpleasant. And yes, I'm astounded that you'd make that clear to everyone with your posts. If you're a selfish, self-centred person at least keep it to yourself.

I get what you’re saying, but a man can’t cheat without another person, usually a woman.

Men should take full responsibility for cheating obviously, and if they’re the type who would cheat, they’re pretty shitty at their core, but according to many MNers, most men would cheat given the opportunity.

There’s a difference between Nigel cracking onto the young, impressionable junior employee at work who believes he is separated, and a woman who specifically targets a married man for various reasons of her own and sets out to seduce him - whether that be taking an opportunity at a work event or playing the long game and beginning with an emotional affair. The guy is NEVER blameless but neither is the OW, unless she has been deceived by him all the way along.

Man or woman, I've never understood the appeal of getting involved with someone who's already in a relationship. If you're in love or lust, then break up with your current partner before pursuing anything, don't settle for sloppy seconds.

Doesn't sound like your relationship was working anyway if he was so busy / away so much. It most likely would have failed without the affair. Tbh they've done you a favour because now you can build an independent life for yourself without someone who's wrong for you.

you can wish this as much as you want, it won't make it true.

A new relationship is not doomed from the start because things were messy when they started

In the end, the only person you are hurting is you, the other 2 are moving on with their life.