To think poorly of the OW in this situation?

This is the exact sort of thing I was talking about. Fascinating.

No. Some of us have a different code. Some of us care about hurting children. No one is absolving the husband, so no misogny, just normal contempt for a woman that thinks this acceptable behaviour. I think someone that just takes what they want has a strange mindset. And, no, it's not "fine" - how on earth can it be? The OW, along with the man, has played a part in breaking up a family. Maybe if it wasn't her it would have been someone else, but why be that person when there are plenty of other single men? The OP absolutely does have a reason to have an issue with the OW as she's had a part in causing her and her children pain, possibly mental health issues as the children grow up. This is not a victimless action. This is selfish behaviour getting involved with a man married with kids. It's not misogyny to dislike someone to have played a part in affecting your life like that. No one is blaming the woman more than the man, both are culpable.

Of course you disagree. That was rather my point.

I find threads like this really interesting. So much internalised misogyny. A man who promised to love you - the father of your children, no less - lied and mistreated you. But your ire is directed at a woman who you’ve never met, who doesn’t know you and owes you nothing. Your issue is with her lack of ‘decency’. She, in your mind, ‘also lied to you’.

It’s a truly fascinating mindset.

Basically, she doesn’t give a shit about you. Much like none of us on this thread do (although some might pretend). Most people aren’t monsters, we won’t hurt people for no reason, we generally try to be kind, etc. But, when it comes down to it, if it’s a choice between what we want and the desires of a total stranger, we’d pick ourselves. No contest. And, honestly, that’s fine.

The person who should have had your best interests at heart - the person who swore to - was your DH. And he didn’t. Which is why he left. If he actually gave a shit about you, he wouldn’t have cheated. So, your issue is nothing to do with her.

The short answer is that 42% of marriages (in the UK) end in divorce. And unless there is clean break with no others involved, there will be an 'other man' or 'other woman'. That's messy complicated life

Chances are OP that he has told her a story casting himself as the victim and saying a lot of very unpleasant things about you.
And she has chosen to believe them, otherwise she would have walked away.
You are better off not knowing.

If it wasn't with her then it probably would have been with someone else, he clearly didn't care enough to want to maintain your relationship

They just don't care. People are ultimately selfish. She wanted him, that was the only thing she cared about or was thinking about.

In many cases it's spun as she's the heroine saving him from his dull boring stressful life, so she's congratulating herself.

Either she doesn't want kids and doesn't care, or she'll think she's different from everyone else and has changed him and find out the hard way she's not and she hasn't.

I had children with someone who is totally checked out of every physical and mental aspect or parenting.

Had it too OP, including financial.

Just pick yourself up, stop giving him head-space and be the best mum you can to your kids.

They'll know who the real parent is as they get older.

Me too. Men and women. Don't want snakes in my camp.

Anyone who puts their partner through hell like that must have a serious personality disorder.
That is the partner and the affair partner.

Women are not the gatekeepers of your relationship, OP. Your husband had that role. He continued to cheat. He had absolute control of himself and his behaviour and should have had respect for his family, that was his privilege and his job.

I know you've said that you've had excellent counselling but something seems to have sparked this off for you and your ire is totally directed at the irrelevant party. You can be angry at her of course, but to what end? Your ex has treated you appallingly yet your focus is on someone who is nothing to you.

I can understand your pain but I can't see that lapping up trite and meaningless platitudes like 'marry a mistress/vacancy' and similar nonsensical trope will help. I cringe every time I read it. It rings false because it is and once this thread is finished those posters are off to the next one but where will you be?

She a selfish slut - that’s how she enjoys herself at the expense of breaking up a family and traumatising children.

Any decent woman would put a family above their need for cock and compliments.

Of course it's not ok if a man does this to another man it's exactly the same - no morals at all. It just so happens this OP is a woman and quite within her rights to vent not only about her piss poor ex husband but the woman who knowingly broke up her marriage.

He is a serial cheat and liar who has lied about you to her (toxic relationship, narcissist etc).

I guarantee you he didn't suddenly start lying in order to cheat. He lied to you at the beginning of your relationship to make you think he was a good and decent person, and you believed it.

Being taken in by a liar isn't a weakness or a character flaw. I suspect this is the root of the misdirection of your anger.

Why "woman"? Because we're talking about women in this case. Where are people saying if a man does this to another man, it's ok? We're not. It is still shitty. Obviously.

I can never understand the women who defend OW by saying “it wasn’t her who broke their marriage vows”. A woman who knowingly sleeps with a man in a relationship is a piece of shit. She has no morals and no humanity. End of story.

It took me too many years to realise that some people just lack compassion and empathy for others. I've never understood the 'they owe you nothing' argument. Affairs cause so much trauma and I can't ever imagine causing others that kind of pain and just be ok with it. That goes for both of them.

I honestly think that most of the time, people that act like this, are lacking something, or seeking self esteem or validation by seeking to be desired by married people. She's not going going to care about you or your children as that's just her nature unfortunately.

I wouldn't waste another second thinking about either of them. He's a terrible father and will one day regret letting his children down (If he has anything at all about him). Let it go and move on safe in the knowledge that you are a better person.

again, why "woman"?

If a man does this to another man, it's ok?

Men and women divorced just the same when they meet someone else.