To think poorly of the OW in this situation?

Thanks. Easting and sleeping has gone out the window for me atm. 3 weeks on next Monday when I caught him . It athe lies and gaslightinf I'm struggling with as well as the general cruelty of what he put me through.
Everyone else says time heals but it's hard to believe that yet.

I do however feel the need to be a decent person and that, for me, includes not shagging people with partners and children. The “I’m alright Jack” mentality baffles me.

Indeed. I expect those of us who feel this way would also not knowingly shag a married man whose spouse was male either.

@superplumb It will be ok and you will come out the other side. It's been over a decade for me but it took me a very long time to recover. My story is long and complicated though and I suffered dreadfully at the hands of ex and OW, as did my children. However, there is light and as you say your ex is no prize and it'll be her feeling like this at some point. My ex was already cheating on OW soon after he moved in with her. You reap what you sow.

Consider having some counselling, that helped me a great deal and take care of yourself in any little way that's doable...for me it was nice walks, seeing friends, plenty of exercise, a new top or lipstick. Just a bit of self care. Eat when you can and stay hydrated. Good legal advice is also vital. I wish you well love ❤️

Very fresh for me sadly so still in the fog. Hope you're ok

No of course you ANBU. I think badly of OW in every single instance. I hope he cheats on her and they both end up miserable and lonely.

“internalised misogyny” is just a patronising attempt to let women who behave badly off the hook. It’s got nothing to do with being a woman. If I was bi, I wouldn’t go near a woman with a male partner because I wouldn’t want to shit on him, whether I knew him or not.
A male friends wife has recently buggered off with a much younger, single man. A horrible situation for which the OM is also to blame. He knew she was married with young children. It is really not difficult to avoid shagging married people. I have successfully managed it for decades!
I also don’t feel the need to protect any “sisterhood”. Plenty of people on here demonstrate very clearly that there isn’t one. I do however feel the need to be a decent person and that, for me, includes not shagging people with partners and children. The “I’m alright Jack” mentality baffles me.

If you think the people pointing out internalised misogyny are virtue signalling, as opposed to the people talking about their moral superiority, invoking a wholly imaginary ‘sisterhood’ and claiming there’s ’something wrong’ with women who don’t do the same, then I would strongly suggest you Google ‘virtue signalling’. As you don’t know what it means.

She's a nasty skank. While she isn't as much of a nasty skank as your ex DH in this situation, that's a low bar indeed.

So YANBU at all.

So sick of all the virtue signalling on every thread; "internalised misogyny" must be trending somewhere for so many to always use it when it's not appropriate.

I do understand some of you are ow so need to feel blameless but some of you just want to virtue signal. I'm sure the latter also talk about sustainable development when they're not shopping or flying on holidays.😮‍💨

@superplumb 100% agree. Sounds like we have similar situations. I hope you're ok

I told the ow what i thought of her. Sleeping with a married man who.has two autisitc young childrne at home. I blame my husband much more of course but I don't respect men a great deal and rightly or wrongly I expect women to behave better when it comes to morals and sex. Possibly my upbringing I guess. Yes I am aware ill get flamed but I think unless you've been through a cheating spouse you won't know how you'll feel about it. It takes 2 to tango. I feel the same about his friends who sent fake texts to cover for him. All equally complicit in the lies.

But he would only speak to me on the phone away from her..never in front. I suspect in case the I love you too comes out on the phone call and that won't fit the narrative he told her Such as we don't have sex, I'm controlling blah blah.
In my case I think the other women is both stupid and desperate if she thinks my ex is a catch And hasn't questioned what I told her and that she thinks he'd be faithful to her after cheating on his wife.
Personally I would have nothing to do with a man who had morals do low he'd leave his wife and kids and id tell a taken man to sod off ( and i have done so).. but that's just me.

Oh but there is when hackneyed and illogical trope like that is trotted out.

A strong argument has no need for those awful laughing emojis

You can absolutely be miffed off at her.

But it’s not ok when MORE anger and blame is directed at the OW than the cheating husband. But somehow in a lot of these situations the wife is more pissed off at the OW. Is it that it feels better to blame the OW or something?

Haha, she's certainly not failing at life either!

Indeed.

Also, note Imagine if all women had those standards.

As opposed to imagining all men not cheating on their partners. That would clearly be unreasonable, so the heartbreaking posts are the fault of the women who lack sisterhood.

I honestly wasn’t expecting the responses to unironically illustrate my points around internalised misogyny and irrational narratives quite so dramatically.

A lot of you don’t seem to know what internalised misogyny even is, which is possibly a large part of the issue.

"respect the sisterhood"? 😂😂

What on earth is the sisterhood? Is there a brotherhood for those with a penis?

Both ex husband and OW had a moral obligation to OP and her children.
Ex husbands has all sort of obligations, and not just moral.
OW has no obligation whatsoever, why would she.

Agree op. Would never be an OW because the thought of shitting all over someone else, whether I know them or not, makes my soul (not to mention my fanny) shrivel and dry up. Plus, I do not find liars attractive. At all.
Would also never entertain a man who didn’t see and support his children. I have heard all the usual bollocks from men and occasional women, who claim the “evil ex” stops them seeing the children. If said ex is so evil, all the more reason to fight for custody then, surely?

What a load of old clap-trap. Internalised misogyny my foot. I'd be calling out (and have done) any man who did this with another man's wife. It's low- life trampy behaviour sneaking around lying cheating on your spouse WHAT EVER SEX.

Fed up with OW affair excusists on here who are the real mysoginists, showing little or no sympathy for OP. I genuinely feel for OP as I'm sure others do, particularly having been in a similar situation being left holding the babies and fort whilst the soul-mate couple swan off into the abyss.

Both ex husband and OW had a moral obligation to OP and her children. I'm sure most women on here live by 'do no harm to others' and respect the sisterhood by not shagging a married man with kids. Imagine if all women did had those standards. There would certainly be less heartbreaking posts like this.

I think for OP if her ex and OW had settled, moved in together etc and he took some responsibility for HIS children, OP would be recovering better. As it is she has been left with all the responsibility and heartbreak.

I think that’s certainly a possibility!

However, some people just genuinely believe - irrespective of personal trauma - that the OW is somehow equally culpable. I think it’s a societal narrative that people are unwilling to unpick and (demonstrably) get really angry when anyone else does.

100% agree with this. I know someone who was having an affair with a married man with 2 young children. She deliberately became pregnant; despicable behaviour and a bomb thrown into the lives of his family

The laughing emoji comes out when the argument is weak

"histrionics" - a word that women have been labelled as having for centuries. Who's being misogynistic now? Who on the thread has shown to be having histrionics? Complete exaggeration from a misogynist.

Both are culpable.