To think poorly of the OW in this situation?

Absolutely.

Not at all. I've clearly blamed, if you read the rest of my post, the person looking outside the marriage. More so than many people on this thread.

@Maestoso the old “unmet needs” trope? It’s about as useful and accurate as the much discussed “script”. Both are a load of responsibility avoiding bullshit, perfect for affair apologists everywhere.

'Far easier to blame the affair partner than say "what's gone wrong in my marriage that has made my partner either actively look for or be susceptible to the temptations of a new sexual conquest".'

What a load of victim blaming nonsense.

@Maestoso
"Far easier to blame the affair partner than say "what's gone wrong in my marriage that has made my partner either actively look for or be susceptible to the temptations of a new sexual conquest".

Wow, sounds like you're holding the poor wife responsible for her husband's cheating lying behaviour.

The narrative that absolves Susan in marketing or any other woman he sets his sights on, from any responsibility at all for knowingly shagging a married man who then leaves his wife and family is abhorrent.

You bang on about men being 100% responsible, Women have a voice and can say no....that is of course if they have any morals.

Won't anyone think of the poor married men, unable to resist harlots throwing themselves at them. Let's forget such men actively pursue single women because "not my husband" and instead stone the loose women because it must be their fault.

Far easier to blame the affair partner than say "what's gone wrong in my marriage that has made my partner either actively look for or be susceptible to the temptations of a new sexual conquest". God damn those sexy single childless young women when we're worn down by child bearing and rearing and the general drudge of domesticity. The only person lacking a moral compass is the weak willed feckless husband who has lost all respect or regard for his wife and children. Women make their own choices. And so do men. The narrative that blames the other woman is precisely that which ties little boys to apron strings and gives men the extra roast potato. Poor men, let's not blame them for shagging the babysitter/co-worker/mate's daughter, everyone knows those women are no better than they ought to be and the poor husband couldn't help himself because 'men'. I fucking despair reading this shit. When do we hold men accountable for their actions? Why is that so fucking hard to do?

All these women with higher moral standards who'd never look at another man married to men who couldn't give a shiny shit about wedding vows if they have half a sniff of a shag with Susan in marketing.

Direct your ire at the person that let YOU down, the one that made actual promises to YOU. Because as far as he's concerned Susan in marketing could be Betty in accounts or Bob from two doors down's daughter Janice. Anyone but YOU.

It took me more than one course of therapy. I could feel fine for a month and then the bitterness crept back in and I had to make a real effort. What triggered it was sitting next to a woman from work at a team meal. Three glasses of wine later and she was spewing venom about her shit of an ex and the OW. He’d split from her 35 years previously. It was like car crash tv and I just knew I didn’t want end up like her.

Would you believe it I know meet up for coffee cakes and chats about our grown up kids - ans do you know what? We get along better now than we ever did when we were married. We made lovely kids together and it’s nice at family gatherings as there’s no hostility. And that’s just what we were aiming for. But it wasn’t easy to do.

It’s a horrible feeling to be betrayed, and it’s painful.

edited for odd typos

Id love to get to the meh feeling of my stbxh..I hate that I'm wasting brain time on him and what he's done to us

I’m really sorry to hear this. It’s hurtful, and horrible.

From this it certainly sounds like you’re better off without him - but it still takes time to process and grieve. And you’ll feel okay one day and then a few weeks later there will be another bump in the road and you’ll be angry or upset again. But one word of experience if you’ll accept it - ty not to let it consume you. Try and heal. I know too many people who, 20 years after the initial affair, they’re still bitter and angry about it and it warps their entire life.

Make it an aim to heal to the point where you feel indifferent about him - that’s the true opposite of love. This will mean he hasn’t ruined your life. The kids will grow up and it would be nice to think you can have another healthy loving relationship, if that’s what you want in the future.

@BreezyScroller good point! The kings a cheater too! His ex wife was bumped off and his brother's a paedo.
Thanks for making it click!! 🤨

Well i wouldn't kidnap my children but in my case, no i will do what I can for my childrne to have nothing to do with her. Not just because she's the ow but in addition to this there are reasons why I wouldn't want her aroune my children
As their mum it's my job to protect them not just physically but emotionally too.

If only your ex thought the same, he is the one with the wife and children. Totally disagree with affairs and people that have them but I also disagree with questioning the OW as though she is worse than the DH. They are both as bad as each other but he was the one with the responsibilities

She is indeed a skank. A bloody desperate one at that. I thjnk most affoar partners are whether male or female. Their relationship is based on lies and cheating. Not an ideal way to start. Id never want to be with someone who could do that to his wife qnd kids.

@Melodramat1c and @superplumb I'm afraid neither of you have a clue how this works. Real life isn't EastEnders and absolutely the police would pursue a kidnapping case, which is what it would be if they were spirited abroad with no consent from the other parent. .as for the OW and the kids, I do get it, honestly I do, I've been there, but a decade later she is a good stepmum to my kids, they like her. They know and resent the fact she is his priority but day to day they rub along and the only losers in a scenario with lots of friction and tension are the kids.

Stop wasting your energy giving this so much head space. Who knows what she sees in him? You will likely never understand the dynamics of their relationship so do yourself a favour and move on

Not being unreasonable, she's a skank and so is he and it would be inappropriate for her to be around your kids. You are much more patient than me, there would be absolutely no contact between my kid and his Dad if he did such a thing.

I know how you feel. I feel the same but sadly despite him being a twat husband and a shit dad, my kids are still quite keen on him so for their sake I have to swallow that one.
What makes me sick is the ow gave him milkshakes straws to give my children ( which of course he lied about and claimed a male friend got them) he then sat there in the evening with me while our kids used them ( I've since binned them..yes I am that petty) I draw the line about the ow seeing my children. She has such loose morals i don't want people like that around my children.

Oh yeah. I'm sure that would happen. They definitely have the interest and resources to do such a thing.

Get the police to open an Interpol case and have you arrested, take them back and you'd have a criminal record and probably a prison sentence for kidnapping.

Oh yes I had the deep joy of having to get tested for various diseases!! You're right it is abuse

If I took them to spain for a better life, what could he do? If the father was a philanderer the children would be better off with a want of their father.

I think your user name is right. Appalling though cheating is, you wouldn't have a leg to stand on if you tried to prevent their dad from seeing them, regardless of how many affairs he had. They are not just your kids.

World would be a better place without both of them. If my husband left me for another woman, he would never see my kids faces again. Ever. Men should not get to have their cake and eat it. They should choose between the kids and their pathetic little dalliance.

Pickme is a disease.

Absolutely agree. It’s abusive, it’s manipulation , it’s taking away your partners sexual agency, it’s a wicked thing to do to someone you claim to love.

Why would anyone either the tiniest amount of self respect want to knowingly get involved with someone who has shown themselves to have those character traits?