To think my kids are rude?

The 9yo has autism and so it's very likely the younger one does too, even though she's not diagnosed.

It's very normal for neurodivergent children to struggle with self-care, changes (like going to bed) and showers which can cause serious sensory overload.

This sounds really hard. Just some thoughts you’ve likely considered but just in case. Reduce screen time. Maybe some kind of exercise /blowing off steam before bed? Do 7 year old first and then 9 year old. Good luck!

Pictograms? Do you have them? Do you have a time timer showing how long they have left? Are there any rewards for good bedtimes? Eg 4 good bedtimes in a week gets a treat.

ASD kids are nuerologically much younger than their chronological age.

Sounds like they are heavily babied to me.

Tell them to go and brush their teeth. If they refuse then take them by the hand and march them to the bathroom. You're allowing them to piss about ignoring you for over an hour, they clearly know they can get away with it.

I don't think you should ever skip reading your kids a bedtime story. Other consequences are available.

Divide and conquer. I have twins, I get it.

If your eldest is neurodiverse it's very likely your younger one is as well. Girls present very differently to boys and are often diagnosed much later.

I think you need to speak to DH without the children and tell him he needs to be home for bedtime so that you can split the children between you. One gets DD washed and ready while the other has quality time with the oldest. Then when DD is having a story, oldest gets washed and ready and has his story once DD is asleep.

I think bedtime is a difficult part of the day for many people - everyone is tired and wants a break and nobody is on their best behaviour.

I agree that it's a very early bedtime. Sounds hard though and I do sympathise

You need to cut out anything that isn't essential to the bedtime routine from it.
Showering can be done at another time of the day. If you think they need one daily, then straight after school might work best.
Routine can be, pjs, teeth brushing and story in bed. They will likely mess around less for their shower if it cuts into after-school play time. And they will enjoy that they can start their bedtime routine slightly later too.

On nights where they need a shower can you separate that bit?

Shower + put PJ’s on. Back downstairs for a quick programme, book or a game.

Back up - brush teeth, into bed. Older can snuggle in and listen to younger ones story or stay downstairs until you’re done. Then do their story. If they struggle to sleep straight away they can read in bed for 1/2 an hour or so.

Shitshow at ours as well. Oldest Asd 15 y, youngest 11 soon 12. Youngest very mature when alone but regress to toddler behaviour with older brother. It's hard when you got an immature ASD child because rules do not apply and the younger one gets disorientated because of it.
My only advice is to separate them. One starts with one task while the other does something else.

We used to do showers before bed but now do them in the morning before school, at weekends he likes a long bath so that is often late afternoon/early evening, but it took an element out of it. So now it's PJs, teeth, story, lights out . This time of year PJs are in the radiator warming, which helps, quick quick lets get them on before they cool down etc. DS has a yoto player and if he gets ready nicely he can have 15/30 minutes of that after lights out and he wants to hear the next bit of the story so that's a good incentive. 20 minutes between going upstairs and lights being out.

I would expect husband to step up and do a child each. Max 30 minutes.

If no husband I would do wach child on it own. Max 30 minutes.

They don't need a shower every night. Not worth it if they can't handle it.

They are playing you. You need a routine and stick to it. And you to be firm. No rigmarole.

God you have the patience of a saint. Shouldn’t they be putting themselves to bed at that stage? The big “bed time routine” thing is for much younger children?

What you’re doing isn’t working. Constantly telling them and then checking in with them to remind them every 5-10 minutes isn’t working.

So you need to change up what you’re doing. You need to stand and do it with them. Whether or not you think you shouldn’t be having to do this is irrelevant, because you do.

Don’t punish them by refusing to read them a story. The benefits of a story at bedtime and that time together is incredibly important and should not be used as a tool to punish.

That wasn't the intention OP and I'm sorry for that.

All I mean is that if you think about the reasons underneath why your kids are struggling with bed time and why they're getting so upset, it might be because they aren't feeling that unconditional love from you. They are having quite a negative experience of bedtime all around.

It's important to give them something positive at bedtime, even if they aren't behaving well.

A couple of suggestions,
Remove story from bedtime, reduce the amount to do, to get changed, teeth, bed. Do stories at another time, just chilling. Shower at another time.
Another, do you have a close friend who is very 'no nonsense' who could come and do bedtime.
Years ago, a friend got me to do that with her 2 who messed about all evening. I went round to 'babysit', they didn't try it on then. It reset them,

Don’t worry my love, my 90’s mum would have done the same if I’d have behaved that badly. These days people are too scared of delivering consequences. If they are being little shits, why reward with something they like?

I would make things easier for everyone and simplify the bedtime routine. They don't need to shower everynight. Once or twice a week would be fine so long as they're not caked in mud! No need to brush hair before bed.

Warm the Pjs on the radiator and tell them to get them in while they're still warm. Teeth brushed while story is starting, pause reading so they can spit, then carry on.

I think bedtime is starting way too early for them both. Are they tired, it sounds like they're still full of beans!

Read the room, mate.

Other option at this age is sit them down and say this is the problem and no one is happy and getting what they want so give me the solution; you might be surprised at what they suggest and it gives them ownership of the problem

My bedtimes take ages too and they’re often a nightmare. It’s rubbish isn’t it.

Ive been trying to change things up recently. Playing music and dancing, or getting one to read to the other one, or me writing and then reading my own story.

I don’t know what the permanent solution is, but changing the arrangement has helped even short term. Hiding a story you’ve written in their bed? Sticking a story to the wall? Making the bed upside down?

I don’t necessarily think these are long term things but something to shake it up can help. All the best x

What about trying them getting ready for bed and being able to come back down for something that feels more of a treat than a story? Mine responded quite well to this, getting changed and teeth at 7pm and race downstairs for either a game or brief programme depending on your rules around screen time. I think to get out of bad habits (theirs not yours) sometimes you need to completely change the routine up.
Minr have a movie night on the weekend where they can stay up late but only have that if they go to bed ok in the week although it depends on whether your children respond to a further away positive as mine don’t always