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Hand hold - told husband it’s over

34 replies

Pred1cament · 12/02/2025 18:13

Not sure if this is the right board but have seen ladies get great advice in the past. Husband and I have been married 10 years. 2 children, 6 and 2. He’s from a different culture and we’ve had issues in the past that we’ve resolved, but recently there’s been an ongoing theme of ‘I’m the man of the house, don’t have a different opinion to me, what I say goes’ especially when it comes to the kids, even though I’m the main carer and earner. We had a fairly trivial disagreement this morning where he told me not to do something and I said I don’t agree with you but ok. He was really annoyed that I had a different opinion to him and even came home at lunchtime to check I hadn’t done ‘said thing’ I hadn’t, but told him I can’t live like this for another 40 or so years and he’s making me feel trapped that I can never do much moan about anything to him or have a different opinion to him. He got really arsey, saying he’s not going to change so what am I going to do about it. Goading me. This is the ‘his surname’ house, the kids have my surname, you have my surname. This isn’t the ‘my maiden name’ house. I finally said ‘I’m done’ and he started acting like he was so happy, he’s been waiting for this etc. he went back to work and I haven’t heard anything since. Where do I go from here? I am the main earner luckily so could buy him out of the house. But I feel like in the mood he’s in he won’t go easily. Any advice or anything I should be thinking about? Obviously I’m devastated for the kids but don’t want my daughter growing up thinking she’s inferior to men. How do I make sure they’re as unaffected as possible? Worried about money as well. I earn well but will obviously be down on what I’m used to if I have to pay for everything. Thanks in advance for the handhold x

OP posts:
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DaringlyDizzy · 13/02/2025 14:24

Zanzara · 12/02/2025 19:30

Which is clearly not the scenario here, so not very helpful.

How so? She asked about maintenance as the higher earner? Yes if there is a large discrepancy she may have to pay spousal maintence?

BookArt55 · 12/02/2025 23:02

Join the divorce/separation group on here, they are great.

I don't like to say it, but it may get worse once reality sets in for him on what he can/can not afford, especially comparing what you can given you earn more. A misogynist isn't going to like that.

Take passports, important paperwork a bag of things for you and the kids, anything you couldn't bear to lost like photos and stash it at a friend's house. Hopefully you never need it, but have it just in case.

Legal advice, get it immediately. Don't tell him, just do it so you can get your ducks in a row.

Unfortunately splitting with finances and children can often bring the bad side out of people. So just be prepared.

If you can in any way evidence that you are the main carer.

Wishing you luck. Well done for making the decision!!!! You're doing the best thing.

Pred1cament · 12/02/2025 22:19

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 12/02/2025 20:33

@Pred1cament OP is he from the culture where he can say I divorce thee, I divorce thee, I divorce thee and that is you divorced???? that would be the best thing if he was. ducks in a row, all passports, birth certs, marriage certs, wage slips (his) all bank accounts, mortgage details etc etc hide them out of the house!

op

I’m not sure how’s it’s done in his culture tbh. We had an English wedding. We had a good chat tonight and we’re not going to rush anything whilst tensions are still high, but he was talking like he plans to be the one to move out so there was no attitude or deliberately being difficult at least.

OP posts:
Pred1cament · 12/02/2025 22:16

Endofyear · 12/02/2025 20:52

You're absolutely right to end this now before his controlling behaviour escalates further. Get your important documents together and put them in a safe place, preferably outside of the house (with a trusted friend maybe?) Don't bank on him being reasonable and not forcing the sale of the house - get yourself some legal advice asap. Your children are going to be ok, they are MUCH better off with a mother who is happy and healthy and most importantly safe. Good luck 💐 you are strong and you can do this x

Thank you so much, that means a lot x

OP posts:
Endofyear · 12/02/2025 20:52

You're absolutely right to end this now before his controlling behaviour escalates further. Get your important documents together and put them in a safe place, preferably outside of the house (with a trusted friend maybe?) Don't bank on him being reasonable and not forcing the sale of the house - get yourself some legal advice asap. Your children are going to be ok, they are MUCH better off with a mother who is happy and healthy and most importantly safe. Good luck 💐 you are strong and you can do this x

LittleMousewithcloggson · 12/02/2025 20:38

Well done for being so strong and setting such a great example for your kids. You are amazing

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 12/02/2025 20:33

@Pred1cament OP is he from the culture where he can say I divorce thee, I divorce thee, I divorce thee and that is you divorced???? that would be the best thing if he was. ducks in a row, all passports, birth certs, marriage certs, wage slips (his) all bank accounts, mortgage details etc etc hide them out of the house!

op

Pred1cament · 12/02/2025 20:19

harriethoyle · 12/02/2025 20:03

Noooo @Pred1cament don’t talk to his sister - it’s overwhelmingly likely that she’ll take his side. Keep your cards close to
your chest.

Ok, thanks. She actually said to me recently what a difficult character he is and she doesn’t know how I put up with him, but I didn’t really say much. But you’re right, she could take his side, as I know my family will take mine.

OP posts:
Amanitacae · 12/02/2025 20:11

I don’t want my daughter growing up thinking she’s inferior to men.

OP - presumably your other child is a boy, and if so you are also setting a marvellous example for him. x

Yellowpingu · 12/02/2025 20:03

Please don’t speak to your SIL until you’ve got the children’s passports and all essential documents somewhere safe, away from the home. She may have been great in the early days but you don’t know how he’ll react if she says anything to him.

harriethoyle · 12/02/2025 20:03

Noooo @Pred1cament don’t talk to his sister - it’s overwhelmingly likely that she’ll take his side. Keep your cards close to
your chest.

Pred1cament · 12/02/2025 19:54

ERthree · 12/02/2025 19:44

Hide you children's passports tonight and tomorrow take them somewhere he cant access. If your children don't have passports, apply for them asap. Photocopy everything you can i.e his bank statements, passports etc and move them to a safe place. Do not let him take the children overseas.
You have done the right thing, he has no respect for you so it is best to end it now.

Oh goodness. This feels extreme but I understand what you’re saying. I will hide their passports but want to keep things as normal as possible for them so don’t want to leave our house if I can avoid it. Especially as I’ve put so much into it. Bought pretty much everything in it. I don’t want him to end up with it. He’s home now and very chirpy with the kids, tidying up downstairs, getting their milk ready for bed etc. I haven’t spoken to him. I really want him to realise how lucky he is to have the life we have but i feel like he’s brainwashed at this point. I don’t know whether to talk to him sister. She was pretty good in the early stages at telling him when he was being a twat and he’d actually listen to her. But I haven’t spoken to her about our relationship for years x

OP posts:
ERthree · 12/02/2025 19:44

Hide you children's passports tonight and tomorrow take them somewhere he cant access. If your children don't have passports, apply for them asap. Photocopy everything you can i.e his bank statements, passports etc and move them to a safe place. Do not let him take the children overseas.
You have done the right thing, he has no respect for you so it is best to end it now.

Zanzara · 12/02/2025 19:30

DaringlyDizzy · 12/02/2025 19:26

Defo does!

My family member earns 5 times as much as his now ex-wife and shes gets spousal maintence from him x

Which is clearly not the scenario here, so not very helpful.

Pred1cament · 12/02/2025 19:30

Sprogonthetyne · 12/02/2025 19:23

It can happen but usually only if one is a very high earner and the other has been a SAHP or considerably reduced their earning potential to suport the family, to the extent they won't be able to suport themselves outside of the marriage. As the 'D'H is at work and OP says she's also the main carer, that doesn't seem to be the case.

Yes this is exactly the case. If anything I’ve sacrificed career progression to be at home for the kids as I’ve stayed in a job with a lot of flexibility. He works longer hours than me x

OP posts:
DaringlyDizzy · 12/02/2025 19:26

Pred1cament · 12/02/2025 19:14

I’m not sure that’s common nowadays but will look into it, thanks.

Defo does!

My family member earns 5 times as much as his now ex-wife and shes gets spousal maintence from him x

Sprogonthetyne · 12/02/2025 19:23

Pred1cament · 12/02/2025 19:14

I’m not sure that’s common nowadays but will look into it, thanks.

It can happen but usually only if one is a very high earner and the other has been a SAHP or considerably reduced their earning potential to suport the family, to the extent they won't be able to suport themselves outside of the marriage. As the 'D'H is at work and OP says she's also the main carer, that doesn't seem to be the case.

ButIToldYouSoooo · 12/02/2025 19:21

I doubt he'll be awarded more as the 'lower earner' if OP is also going to be responsible for the DCs, which she is by the sound of it.

Good luck, OP. I think you're doing the right thing, but you're going to need a really good divorce solicitor no doubt.

Pred1cament · 12/02/2025 19:14

Thunderlegs · 12/02/2025 18:59

Okay but if you're the higher earner can't he come after your earnings in the divorce? Get some legal advice asap!

I’m not sure that’s common nowadays but will look into it, thanks.

OP posts:
Thunderlegs · 12/02/2025 18:59

Okay but if you're the higher earner can't he come after your earnings in the divorce? Get some legal advice asap!

Pred1cament · 12/02/2025 18:54

lilyboleyn · 12/02/2025 18:52

I got rid of my husband because I didn’t want my daughter to grow up thinking it was normal for men to treat women that way.
its 5 years later and I’m so glad I left him. It’s been hard, definitely. Especially when the kids go to him, and seeing him upset my little girl in particular with bullying behaviour. But I know it was the right thing to show her how to value herself. And I feel so free now. And I’m in a new relationship with someone who treats me with respect and that’s also so, so freeing.

and I actually enjoy sex now too, as an added bonus.

so yes. It’ll be hard. But you’re clearly a strong woman. You can do this.

Thank you so much. That really resonates with me x

OP posts:
Pred1cament · 12/02/2025 18:53

PrincessofWells · 12/02/2025 18:17

It's probably advisable to get some initial legal advice about entitlements from a family solicitor and start divorce proceedings. You can do it yourself but need to be confident you can do it and stand firm. The starting point financially is 50/50. You can claim maintenance through CMS.

Well done though, your children don't need to grow up with misogyny in the home. It's bad enough everywhere else.

Edited

Thank you so much x

OP posts:
DebbyU · 12/02/2025 18:53

Good luck and be proud of yourself! A marriage should be a supportive,loving and a happy part nership.

lilyboleyn · 12/02/2025 18:52

I got rid of my husband because I didn’t want my daughter to grow up thinking it was normal for men to treat women that way.
its 5 years later and I’m so glad I left him. It’s been hard, definitely. Especially when the kids go to him, and seeing him upset my little girl in particular with bullying behaviour. But I know it was the right thing to show her how to value herself. And I feel so free now. And I’m in a new relationship with someone who treats me with respect and that’s also so, so freeing.

and I actually enjoy sex now too, as an added bonus.

so yes. It’ll be hard. But you’re clearly a strong woman. You can do this.

Pred1cament · 12/02/2025 18:50

thepariscrimefiles · 12/02/2025 18:29

He sounds like a complete misogynist with all his patriarchal bullshit about it being his house, even though you are the higher earner.

Definitely see a solicitor as soon as possible to discuss division of finances and childcare. It sounds as though you do most of the child care, but he may ask for 50/50 so he doesn't have to pay maintenance. Does he ever look after the children on his ownn?

Laughable hey!

OP posts:
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