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AIBU?

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Original poster

To take dd for an overnight break for her birthday, and leave dp and DS at home?

56 replies

Porcuine20 · 12/02/2025 17:22

Dd (teenager) has a birthday soon and doesn’t want any particular presents or a party. For ages though she’s been saying how much she’d like to stay in one of the tall hotels in London with city views (we’ve never stayed in anything posher than a travelodge), and go shopping in London just her and me. We’ve been to London a few times but always with her younger brother and they have quite different interests (he hates shopping unless it involves a toy shop, and every time it’s been really hard to keep them both happy). I’ve found a good deal on a hotel she’d love, for the evening of her birthday… when I ran the idea past dp (her dad) though he got pretty upset and said that we should all go as a family, and that it wasn’t fair to leave him and DS behind. His suggestion is we should book a family room in a cheaper hotel, go together and he’ll wait with DS while me and dd go shopping. It just wouldn’t be the same… DS is quickly bored and will just want to watch tv in the hotel room, whereas dd would want to enjoy the views, take photos, go out in the evening. DS had the option of a night away for his birthday, but wasn’t bothered and chose a party with his friends - I’d definitely be up for offering him the same if/when he is keen, or for dp to take him. I’d be more than happy for dp to take one of the kids away to do something that interests them, and have suggested it many times - he also travels for work quite often and stays in nice hotels by himself. All going away together is also tricky as we have an elderly, poorly pet who most boarding places won’t take and we don’t have family nearby. AIBU to want to treat dd to an amazing birthday trip doing exactly what she wants to do?

OP posts:
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theleafandnotthetree · 13/02/2025 09:32

I have taken my teenage children away separately on a couple of occasions and it's been just brilliant and something they really appreciate, being treated as a person and not just a unit in a family. It helped re-set my occasionally tricky relationship with my daughter and we came back much closer - granted that was a full holiday rather than a weekend.

theleafandnotthetree · 13/02/2025 09:29

Jesus Christ, what a twat. And a baby. I wouldn't be discussing this any further, book it, it's happening. And tell him not to dare pull 'sad face' when it's being discussed. I would find this kind of neediness and fuckwittery deeply unattractive. My mother always says that although my father didn't do much with us when we were children, he equally wouldn't have interfered or got in our business when he didn't know the ins and outs. And he certainly would have bowed to my mother's wisdom when it came to parenting teenage girls.

mycatsanutter · 13/02/2025 09:23

Me and my dd went to London for 2 nights think she was about 15 we had a brilliant time , dp and ds stayed at home as like your son he wasn't interested in shopping , nice meals out , lots of walking . You shouldn't have to work on your dh or ask for permission, he can do something fun with his son that weekend.

Suimai · 13/02/2025 09:23

StampOnTheGround · 13/02/2025 08:41

It's nothing to do with DP and DS - it's not their birthdays!!! This shouldn't even be a question, just say that's what you're doing.

This. Why do you have to ‘work on him’ for her daughter to be allowed her birthday? Just do it?

Sharptonguedwoman · 13/02/2025 09:13

Pineapplewaves · 12/02/2025 17:40

I can understand that your DH would want to go too, if it's something he'd enjoy and he might be feeling left out.

Could DS go and stay with Grandparents/someone else for a couple of days while the three of you go. You could have a birthday tea with a cake which includes DS the day before you go or when you get back.

Think the problem here might be 2 rooms needed not one. Mum and DD can care but maybe not dad as well.

Jollyjoy · 13/02/2025 09:08

Why don't you encourage him and DS to do something they really like together. This is a bit like the thread on families who do everything together - I think that is often about one partner feeling over dependent on the other. Try to understand his point of view and make him feel heard but be clear that it's normal and healthy for everyone involved to do 1-1 things with kids. Plus it's her bday and her wish!

StampOnTheGround · 13/02/2025 08:41

It's nothing to do with DP and DS - it's not their birthdays!!! This shouldn't even be a question, just say that's what you're doing.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/02/2025 07:35

Following your update - it sounds like you all walk on egg shells around him.

morellamalessdrama · 13/02/2025 07:28

Absolutely take your daughter. It'll be a totally different atmosphere with just the two of you and there is no point taking her brother when he clearly wouldn't enjoy it. Surely your husband could just internalise his feelings about this as it really is about her and not him.

Original poster
Porcuine20 · 13/02/2025 06:22

We could go on a different weekend, but wouldn’t be able to do it for a few weeks due to other commitments - her birthday weekend is the clearest one for ages. We’d be at home til late morning on her birthday for presents, birthday breakfast etc, and she’ll have some friends round to ours the evening before. I’ll keep working on it - I haven’t said anything to dd about it yet, in the hope I can persuade dp to be positive about it (so she doesn’t feel bad about going, and so DS doesn’t feel he’s missing out).

OP posts:
theteachesofleeches · 12/02/2025 21:53

I have always done this, since they were about 10. DH goes to sports stuff with them - he's being selfish.

Purpleturtle46 · 12/02/2025 21:33

My Dad lives in London and I live in Scotland and I have 3 kids. I take one of them down each year and I love it! It's so nice to spend one on one time with them and do all the things that they want to do and is actually affordable for 2 people rather than 5!

arethereanyleftatall · 12/02/2025 19:04

Controlling nature so often comes under the guise of 'I just love you all so much' type.

Suimai · 12/02/2025 18:53

Your oh needs to grow up. Why is he making his little girls birthday about him? Tell him if he wants to book a premier in with her little brother then he can do that on his own

frecklejuice · 12/02/2025 18:51

Absolutely not unreasonable. My 11 year old dd would love that as her birthday present and my 16 year old son would hate it so he would stay home with dh and they would do something or nothing. Neither of them would have a problem with it.

TuesdayRubies · 12/02/2025 18:47

YANBU at all. If it's about wanting to be with your DD on her bday, you can do cake and presents on her actual birthday then the weekend away just before or after. He's being controlling and weird.

StampOnTheGround · 12/02/2025 18:43

Definitely go just the 2 of you, as she wants. I've done countless things with just my mum for more than 1 night.

Wellthisisshitty · 12/02/2025 18:41

Our then 2 year old, even (how the hell do you edit on the app?!)

Wellthisisshitty · 12/02/2025 18:40

Pineapplewaves · 12/02/2025 17:49

Why shouldn't a Father get to celebrate his daughter's birthday, with her on the day of her birthday. She's 50% his child too. Mine would be genuinely upset if he was left out, as would I if it was the other way round.

If the problem is the DS, can’t he have a sleepover somewhere.

I'm not spending dds 11th birthday with her this year as dh is taking her away to do something they both like.

Her 9th birthday, I took her to Legoland for 2 nights as that's what she wanted - dh stayed home with our then 4 year old, and our adult dc.

I took my eldest away alone for one of his birthdays too when my middle child was a baby and dh stayed home with her.

Why is it such an issue? My dd didn't give two shits, she gets to do something she wants for her birthday.

Wellthisisshitty · 12/02/2025 18:35

I've got three children all big age gaps and me and dh have always taken one off alone for a weekend.

Dd turns 11 next month and she and dh both share an interest so they are off to a hotel for her birthday weekend to go a museum which my 4 year old would find boring so the two of us are staying home with my eldest.

It's a great way to get one on one time with them all.

ginasevern · 12/02/2025 18:31

Good grief. Of course you should go with your DD. What if she wanted a spa and make-up day, would your DH muscle in on that too! Whatever's wrong with the bloke. The whole point is that your DD wants a posh hotel and to have a female experience with her mum. Why on earth can't your DH see that's perfectly normal? She's that age! Staying in a cheaper hotel with "bored and annoying" little brother defeats the whole bloody object. Then there's the hassle of sorting out the poor dog. Did your DD dictate what your DS did for his birthday party. I doubt it. It's not your DH's birthday, or you DS's and it's only one night! Tell him to grow up. He sounds incredibly weird.

arethereanyleftatall · 12/02/2025 18:30

Pineapplewaves · 12/02/2025 17:49

Why shouldn't a Father get to celebrate his daughter's birthday, with her on the day of her birthday. She's 50% his child too. Mine would be genuinely upset if he was left out, as would I if it was the other way round.

If the problem is the DS, can’t he have a sleepover somewhere.

Because it isn't what the birthday girl wants?!

BettyBardMacDonald · 12/02/2025 18:19

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 12/02/2025 17:46

They have to be taught early, girls, that they can’t have anything for themselves…

When it’s your DPs birthday, do all go for a trip to soft play followed by a Pizza Hut? Or does he get things that are just about him?

Well said.

BettyBardMacDonald · 12/02/2025 18:19

Pineapplewaves · 12/02/2025 17:49

Why shouldn't a Father get to celebrate his daughter's birthday, with her on the day of her birthday. She's 50% his child too. Mine would be genuinely upset if he was left out, as would I if it was the other way round.

If the problem is the DS, can’t he have a sleepover somewhere.

Parents shouldn't make it all about them.

JimHalpertsWife · 12/02/2025 18:10

Pineapplewaves · 12/02/2025 17:49

Why shouldn't a Father get to celebrate his daughter's birthday, with her on the day of her birthday. She's 50% his child too. Mine would be genuinely upset if he was left out, as would I if it was the other way round.

If the problem is the DS, can’t he have a sleepover somewhere.

So they just don't go on the actual day of her birthday then.