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AIBU?

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AIBU- to be annoyed that DH takes naps during the day ?

93 replies

HJ1989 · 12/02/2025 16:24

My DH does a lot of day naps. We have a nearly 4 yo and a 3 month old, (who sleeps throughout the night by the way). He works 12 hour shifts in care, along with completing a degree to retrain to be a Nurse, so I can appreciate why he gets tired.

Doesn't help when I'm left looking after both of the kids whilst on maternity leave and I'd like my partner to be there to help on days when he's off and both of you are at home, but he keeps disappearing for naps, when I'm tired too.

Thing is I do it OCCASIONALLY, but limit myself up to 1 hour, hour and a half at most, so I'm not then leaving him with the kids for too long, whereas I feel he takes the P.I.S.S. and is up there for over 2 and a half hours sometimes. I almost expect it now every time we come back home from going out somewhere, or when he comes home from a half shift, (like today) for him to disappear and would just love for him to actually be present, especially since he's not seen his children all day and goes straight up sometimes, (again, like today!).

AIBU for getting annoyed with him? I'm weary about talking to him bout it in case he feels like it's a personal attack and gets angry. I know it's circumstantial, so it's not health related, that he needs to go see his GP.

How do I approach this? Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Livelaughlurgy · 12/02/2025 21:32

@theykilledcassandrafirst do nursery's take 3 month olds? You seem to be confusing maternity leave with some sort of life of leisure.

KickHimInTheCrotch · 12/02/2025 21:30

My ex used to take a lot of naps. He was doing it to avoid the drudgery of looking after small children. It was a big source of resentment in our relationship and part of the reason he is now an ex.

Flakeisanakedtwirl · 12/02/2025 21:28

JesusJose · 12/02/2025 17:01

DH used to do this. I was so resentful and trying to explain how it made me feel fell on deaf ears.
Eventually I said "I've been so tired from looking after the kids so I'm going to try and have more naps" then every time he said he was having a nap I'd say "OK I'll have one when you get up". Sometimes it was 2 or 3 hours later, but once he was up I'd go to bed for the same amount of time, even if I didnt sleep. That often left him with with dinner and bathtime to contend with, and honestly it didn't last long for him to realise he didn't like that deal so much! But of course he couldn't complain because we'd both had the same amount of time. His naps soon reduced to an hour and sometimes he doesn't have one at all. Men are simple creatures really.

This is exactly what I'd have done.

theykilledcassandrafirst · 12/02/2025 21:20

Acbed · 12/02/2025 20:33

you’d be out.

What a ridiculous thing to say.

I doubt he'll do that anyway - when would he get to have naps and play video games if he got rid of the unpaid servant? He'd actually have to do some parenting and he'd be very sad.

Then the unpaid servant will have to go back to work instead of having everything provided for her, won’t she?

Seriously, if you’re at home with the kids, if you don’t want to put the kids in nursery and contribute financially, then the kids and the house are mostly yours to deal with. I’ve worked as a carer in the past, mat leave was a holiday in comparison.

Acbed · 12/02/2025 20:33

theykilledcassandrafirst · 12/02/2025 18:14

Sorry but if I was working 12 hour shifts (plus commuting time) in a physical job which caring is, all while studying, and you were ungrateful enough to police my naps, you’d be out.

I’ve had children too. I’d take that over 12 hour shifts as a carer in a heartbeat. You can plan your day around your kids and you take naps yourself. You get some down time. This bloke is seemingly bending over backwards to support you and earn more money in the future.

you’d be out.

What a ridiculous thing to say.

I doubt he'll do that anyway - when would he get to have naps and play video games if he got rid of the unpaid servant? He'd actually have to do some parenting and he'd be very sad.

JimHalpertsWife · 12/02/2025 19:29

Mumto32022 · 12/02/2025 19:18

I do understand your frustration.
but as someone who also works 3-4 night shifts a week (13 hours) I often fall asleep in the day often unintentionally but they absolutely kill you off

Do you also do gym and gaming before attending to your dcs needs?

Female nursing students don't do this.

Mumto32022 · 12/02/2025 19:18

I do understand your frustration.
but as someone who also works 3-4 night shifts a week (13 hours) I often fall asleep in the day often unintentionally but they absolutely kill you off

Cornflakes44 · 12/02/2025 18:55

JesusJose · 12/02/2025 17:01

DH used to do this. I was so resentful and trying to explain how it made me feel fell on deaf ears.
Eventually I said "I've been so tired from looking after the kids so I'm going to try and have more naps" then every time he said he was having a nap I'd say "OK I'll have one when you get up". Sometimes it was 2 or 3 hours later, but once he was up I'd go to bed for the same amount of time, even if I didnt sleep. That often left him with with dinner and bathtime to contend with, and honestly it didn't last long for him to realise he didn't like that deal so much! But of course he couldn't complain because we'd both had the same amount of time. His naps soon reduced to an hour and sometimes he doesn't have one at all. Men are simple creatures really.

This is an excellent idea if you can manage it.

HJ1989 · 12/02/2025 18:48

"This. Nailed it. Imagine he was taking care of your sick relative and made a mistake because you want to stop him resting.
Go back to work yourself if you want him to pick up the slack."

When I'm working normally, we work in the same place as a Carer and work opposing 12 hour shifts. I'm considering going back to work earlier. If not next month, definitely April

OP posts:
justasking111 · 12/02/2025 18:35

She gets naps. I never managed that with the hours DH worked. I don't miss that exhaustion.

biscuitsandbooks · 12/02/2025 18:32

crankytoes · 12/02/2025 18:25

And when does the OP get a break? She is looking after the dc from the minute they are up until bedtime and likely doing all the domestics on top. But the poor manz working 12 hours so he needs more sleep than she does

OP deliberately limits her own naps - she says so herself.

She should just nap/take a break for the same amount of time he does.

Notgivenuphope · 12/02/2025 18:30

Ablondiebutagoody · 12/02/2025 16:34

Give him a break. He's working 12 hour shifts and doing a degree. He sounds like a decent guy. You are not working.

This. Nailed it. Imagine he was taking care of your sick relative and made a mistake because you want to stop him resting.
Go back to work yourself if you want him to pick up the slack.

Starlightstarbright4 · 12/02/2025 18:29

How is he a great dad ? He is out working and doing a degree ( hard ) when home he has a nap but then plays video games? How is that a good dad .

Also I would say in many relationships like this you return to work and other than not doing the childcare during your work hours you end up doing it all

crankytoes · 12/02/2025 18:25

Scrabbelator · 12/02/2025 16:48

Give the man a break. He's working 12 hour shifts

And when does the OP get a break? She is looking after the dc from the minute they are up until bedtime and likely doing all the domestics on top. But the poor manz working 12 hours so he needs more sleep than she does

crankytoes · 12/02/2025 18:23

Ablondiebutagoody · 12/02/2025 16:34

Give him a break. He's working 12 hour shifts and doing a degree. He sounds like a decent guy. You are not working.

The OP is working every minute the dc are awake. You think parenting young dc isn't working?

JimHalpertsWife · 12/02/2025 18:16

Well he can't have gym, gaming and nap times on tap on his time off if doing all three means he avoids parenting.

Tell him to drop two of these whilst the 3mo is so young.

theykilledcassandrafirst · 12/02/2025 18:14

Sorry but if I was working 12 hour shifts (plus commuting time) in a physical job which caring is, all while studying, and you were ungrateful enough to police my naps, you’d be out.

I’ve had children too. I’d take that over 12 hour shifts as a carer in a heartbeat. You can plan your day around your kids and you take naps yourself. You get some down time. This bloke is seemingly bending over backwards to support you and earn more money in the future.

readingismycardio · 12/02/2025 17:54

Ablondiebutagoody · 12/02/2025 16:34

Give him a break. He's working 12 hour shifts and doing a degree. He sounds like a decent guy. You are not working.

Caring for 3 month old is a full time job. Round the clock. And besides that, she has another DC that needs a lot of care. She is working her ass off.

MoosakaWithFries · 12/02/2025 17:47

I could forgive the naps. Sounds like it's all very full on. But playing video games?! I wouldn't be supportive of that.

Acbed · 12/02/2025 17:37

Scrabbelator · 12/02/2025 16:48

Give the man a break. He's working 12 hour shifts

What's your point here? He also has 2 small children that need looking after.

The young years are hard, he needs to buckle up, not leave his responsibilities to OP.

SecretSoul · 12/02/2025 17:36

Is the older child in pre-school/nursery? Little babies sleep quite a lot so can’t you nap when they’re sleeping and the older one is at nursery?

If that means something else has to give, like the dusting or whatever, then I think that’s fair enough.

Sometimes you can’t tick every box and it’s pointless killing yourself trying.

If your DH is tired then it’s pretty shitty to police his naps. And if feels slightly mad to me that an hour and a half is fine but two hours is “taking the piss” 🤷‍♀️

But what needs to happen is that you need to agree when it’s reasonable for him to take a nap, and if you need his help with anything specific eg/dinner, so make it clear he needs to be awake by then.

I’d have thought you should have the flexibility to get your naps in during the week but if not, you need to make it clear that you need equal time to rest too.

These early years are hard. Everyone needs time to decompress and sleep. Be kind to each other and keep lines of communication flowing - it’s easy to end up raging over something that could easily be sorted!

biscuitsandbooks · 12/02/2025 17:25

HJ1989 · 12/02/2025 17:23

I Realise everyone needs their 'downtime' and something to help wind down once they're hone, I think it's just a case that I can't seem to find the time to do it myself 🤷‍♀️

But you say you take yourself off for your own naps, so you do have the time.

Just stop limiting yourself and go off for 2.5 hours like he does.

HJ1989 · 12/02/2025 17:23

I Realise everyone needs their 'downtime' and something to help wind down once they're hone, I think it's just a case that I can't seem to find the time to do it myself 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Boredlass · 12/02/2025 17:20

I work 10 hour shifts at Amazon. I have naps because I’m tired. There is nothing wrong with it and I also game in my spare time. DH never complains

Nobodyknowsitall · 12/02/2025 17:19

Are any of these shifts night shifts?