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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU- to be annoyed that DH takes naps during the day ?

93 replies

HJ1989 · 12/02/2025 16:24

My DH does a lot of day naps. We have a nearly 4 yo and a 3 month old, (who sleeps throughout the night by the way). He works 12 hour shifts in care, along with completing a degree to retrain to be a Nurse, so I can appreciate why he gets tired.

Doesn't help when I'm left looking after both of the kids whilst on maternity leave and I'd like my partner to be there to help on days when he's off and both of you are at home, but he keeps disappearing for naps, when I'm tired too.

Thing is I do it OCCASIONALLY, but limit myself up to 1 hour, hour and a half at most, so I'm not then leaving him with the kids for too long, whereas I feel he takes the P.I.S.S. and is up there for over 2 and a half hours sometimes. I almost expect it now every time we come back home from going out somewhere, or when he comes home from a half shift, (like today) for him to disappear and would just love for him to actually be present, especially since he's not seen his children all day and goes straight up sometimes, (again, like today!).

AIBU for getting annoyed with him? I'm weary about talking to him bout it in case he feels like it's a personal attack and gets angry. I know it's circumstantial, so it's not health related, that he needs to go see his GP.

How do I approach this? Any thoughts?

OP posts:
biscuitsandbooks · 13/02/2025 08:56

Bumble2016 · 13/02/2025 08:44

Naps ARE his downtime..he doesn't get to sleep in the middle of the day and then also claim he needs time for gaming. That's a massive piss take. I bet LOADS of parents would appreciate a nap in the middle of the day, but that's not feasible with children so he needs to buck up. Neither of my children slept through until they were past 2 years old and neither my husband nor I fucked off and left the other one unless we were so tired we were ill. Your husband is not doing enough.

Did you miss the part where OP takes herself off for naps as well?

I know MN is weirdly anti-hobby for anyone who has small children but in reality I don't know any parents who never have time out for themselves. It's not healthy for your entire life to revolve around kids, work and sleep - everyone needs time out, whether that's to play video games, meet friends or go to the gym.

Bumble2016 · 13/02/2025 08:44

Naps ARE his downtime..he doesn't get to sleep in the middle of the day and then also claim he needs time for gaming. That's a massive piss take. I bet LOADS of parents would appreciate a nap in the middle of the day, but that's not feasible with children so he needs to buck up. Neither of my children slept through until they were past 2 years old and neither my husband nor I fucked off and left the other one unless we were so tired we were ill. Your husband is not doing enough.

Ponoka7 · 13/02/2025 08:23

I've done 12 hour care work shifts as a widowed parent. Most of the staff were women and holding it all together at home. He has a baby and young child, he doesn't have time for video games or marathon films. He gets to watch films while holding the baby. OP get out of your head that he's a good dad or partner, he isn't. The naos need to get shorter, so does the lesuire time. He needs to pitch in more with the children. What were the discussions like before you got pregnant again? Revisit those.

User543211 · 13/02/2025 08:14

Can you imagine a mother that on her day off, plays video games, watches Lord of the Rings all afternoon then goes for a nap while the father does all of the parenting? How the father would feel? What people would think/say (rightly)?
Fine for you both to have hobbies and equal down time bit I don't know a family that has enough time in the day for both parents to enjoy that amount of down time.
I'll never understand why women allow the standard for men to be so low.
Having a newborn is bloody hard and I know that I used to let the washing build up, not be able to clean the house or even eat 3 proper meals most days. My husband's days off were the days we would catch up, reset and I'd get a break. If he was sat around gaming all afternoon I think I'd have called his mum to come and pick her child up.

Pinkelephant66 · 13/02/2025 08:05

Ablondiebutagoody · 12/02/2025 23:19

Presumably lying down when she's enjoying her hour and a half naps 😂

Show quote history

Which she says she does only occasionally.

your first comment suggested ‘well she’s on maternity leave, so she should do everything’. Why should she not be able to ask for help purely because she’s on maternity leave?

MumChp · 13/02/2025 02:19

HJ1989 · 12/02/2025 22:08

"And is there a family member who would step in for a couple of hours and let you both have some rest now and then? Or could you afford to pay someone to do that?"

My Father In Law does a lot to be fair, but he doesn't always answer his phone and he is uncomfortable around newborns/young babies. My sister in law and her partner help when they can, if they have the 'ick' about poo and wouldn't be comfortable changing a nappy, even though the near 4yo DD is potty trained. So it's a bit touch and go.

We don't have the finances to hire 'help' and we get government funded hours for child care at 4yo DD preschool

Like most families.
Two parents should be able to make it work without regular help.

Have you tried to plan your week and days together? It could be worth it down to naps.

Soupshenanigans · 13/02/2025 01:44

Im confused as you said he works 8 - 8 then comes home and naps, why don’t you both just go to bed at that time for the night? Why is it a nap?

Maxorias · 13/02/2025 01:30

Hello OP,

I can appreciate both your needs for naps, but I think you're causing your own resentment by limiting your naps. Like pp said, when he goes to nap tell him you'll take one afterwards and go for the same amount of time. Maybe it'll make him realize, maybe it won't, but at least you'll get to rest so it's a win either way.

WhateverEh · 13/02/2025 00:59

I think it’s ok for him to nap but I also think it’s ok for you to pass both kids to him and go out childfree or have a long nap yourself. Try to get a similar amount of downtime and you’ll feel happier about the balance

MissTrip82 · 13/02/2025 00:57

Ahahahaha the ‘12 hour shifts omg’ brigade.

Ppl really have no idea how many women work these shifts and still do the bulk of childcare and housework.

JMSA · 13/02/2025 00:47

If I had his life, I'd need the odd nap too.

Ablondiebutagoody · 12/02/2025 23:19

Pinkelephant66 · 12/02/2025 22:30

oh yes. She’s sitting on her arse all day doing nothing isn’t she… 🙄

Show quote history

Presumably lying down when she's enjoying her hour and a half naps 😂

Pinkelephant66 · 12/02/2025 22:30

Ablondiebutagoody · 12/02/2025 16:34

Give him a break. He's working 12 hour shifts and doing a degree. He sounds like a decent guy. You are not working.

oh yes. She’s sitting on her arse all day doing nothing isn’t she… 🙄

DysmalRadius · 12/02/2025 22:26

Looking after children cannot simultaneously be so tiring that a man working 12 hour shifts cannot do it at all, but so easy that a woman can do it 24/7 without help.

Original poster
HJ1989 · 12/02/2025 22:08

"And is there a family member who would step in for a couple of hours and let you both have some rest now and then? Or could you afford to pay someone to do that?"

My Father In Law does a lot to be fair, but he doesn't always answer his phone and he is uncomfortable around newborns/young babies. My sister in law and her partner help when they can, if they have the 'ick' about poo and wouldn't be comfortable changing a nappy, even though the near 4yo DD is potty trained. So it's a bit touch and go.

We don't have the finances to hire 'help' and we get government funded hours for child care at 4yo DD preschool

OP posts:
PLHJ84 · 12/02/2025 22:04

Yeah YABU. He works 12 hour shifts & studies. He is tired. You are on maternity…..

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 12/02/2025 22:02

HJ1989 · 12/02/2025 17:23

I Realise everyone needs their 'downtime' and something to help wind down once they're hone, I think it's just a case that I can't seem to find the time to do it myself 🤷‍♀️

He must be very tired, though in a different way from you, and napping because he needs sleep rather than avoiding doing his share.

Maybe one solution is to make sure you schedule in some downtime for yourself several times a week, when DP will definitely be caring for the children?
And is there a family member who would step in for a couple of hours and let you both have some rest now and then? Or could you afford to pay someone to do that?

neilyoungismyhero · 12/02/2025 21:57

Redpeach · 12/02/2025 17:03

Its possible to do 12 shifts without napping

Absolutely...I did them for years and looked after the house and kids

Acbed · 12/02/2025 21:54

JimHalpertsWife · 12/02/2025 21:47

The bar is so low for men.

And women are holding it. It blows my mind

Original poster
HJ1989 · 12/02/2025 21:48

They are not night shifts and sometimes it is only half a shift (8am-2pm)

OP posts:
JimHalpertsWife · 12/02/2025 21:47

The bar is so low for men.

outerspacepotato · 12/02/2025 21:47

He's working 12s and going to school. Both of those are exhausting. There's only so much that he can do.

Is he working nights? If so, he is likely extremely sleep deprived.

You're on leave.

Original poster
HJ1989 · 12/02/2025 21:47

There was also a day when we were both off, so he had not worked for a day or two beforehand, where he was only watching the Lord of the Rings films. Finished one and got half way through another and THEN suddenly decides he needs a rest. I mean, what from? Watching films..... 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Acbed · 12/02/2025 21:39

theykilledcassandrafirst · 12/02/2025 21:20

Then the unpaid servant will have to go back to work instead of having everything provided for her, won’t she?

Seriously, if you’re at home with the kids, if you don’t want to put the kids in nursery and contribute financially, then the kids and the house are mostly yours to deal with. I’ve worked as a carer in the past, mat leave was a holiday in comparison.

Show quote history

Are you suggesting that women should get back to work the day after giving birth and the fathers of the baby should have to do nothing to support their family?

Original poster
HJ1989 · 12/02/2025 21:39

"Seriously, if you’re at home with the kids, if you don’t want to put the kids in nursery and contribute financially, then the kids and the house are mostly yours to deal with. I’ve worked as a carer in the past, mat leave was a holiday in comparison."

Please see other post I put on here. I work in the same industry as a Carer, so I am fully aware of what working a 12 hour shift in care actually consists of. Plus I'm doing a course too on top of that, (forgot to mention before that I am doing a level 3 course alongside work). Trust me, there are days that it does not feel like a holiday. At least there is more than one of you, ( colleagues) to help and at least you can talk and explain to the residents you care for, (if they have capacity). Can't exactly do they with a 4 yo and 3 mo 🤷‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

OP posts: