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Original poster

Behaviour towards our dog..

219 replies

JadeMember · 12/02/2025 16:01

Sorry it’s a long one. This is not about my dog’s behaviour but background for context..
We rescued a puppy before lockdown and after lockdown he was very reactive to any male visitors ( he was fine with children and women) coming to the house. He is now ok with people he knows but barks at any men he doesn’t know. He is a big Labrador and can look scary. He is ok outside, in other people’s houses, hotels etc. We tried everything and at the end his psychologist diagnosed him with anxiety and prescribed Prozac.
My best friend has a boyfriend ( let’s call him Ben ) and they have been seeing each other for about 7months. He didn’t meet her children yet but we met him a few times. I mentioned our dog to Ben and I said once the dog gets to know him outside the house, we will have them over for dinner. He thought it’s ridiculous that he needs to make an effort to meet the dog. I completely understand that but that’s what all of our other friends did and it worked. Ben said this anxious behaviour should be beaten out of him. My friend’s teenage daughter is suffering with anxiety and although I know dogs and humans are not the same, beating is never the answer! Last Sunday, we were planning to go for a dog walk and my friend asked if she and Ben can come along and then we can go to the pub for lunch. On the walk Ben was making mean remarks about our dog for no reason. In the pub, our dog would usually sit under the table by my DP’s feet but it takes him maybe 10min to settle. Normally we ignore him and he is fine. Ben was constantly bothering him, growling in his face and trying to pull him close. We were all telling him to leave the dog alone but he said he is just playing. As I predicted our dog started barking at him and Ben started barking back at him. My DP is holding on to the dog and I’m telling Ben to stop provoking him. The whole pub was looking at us like we are insane. I said to Ben to leave the dog alone because he can bite him. I only said that to stop him barking at the dog like a lunatic. Our dog never bitten anyone but it’s an animal and so it’s unpredictable when provoked. Ben said ( with the smirk on his face )that if he bites him he will need to be put down. After the whole scene my DP and I left. Later I spoke to my friend and she said the reason Ben was like that because he is scared of the dogs as he was once bitten. Would you be provoking a dog if you are scared of it? I know not everyone likes dogs. But those comments make me very wary of him and makes me think he is not as kind as he portrayed himself. Or I am overthinking it? Again this is not about the dog rather about Ben’s behaviour. There is something bothering me and I can’t put my finger on it. And AIBU to tell my friend to rethink the relationship?

OP posts:
AcquadiP · 12/02/2025 20:31

Hoppinggreen · 12/02/2025 16:58

I think I might have bitten Ben myself if he did that to my dog

Ditto, I'd have been livid.

Ppzd · 12/02/2025 20:06

JadeMember · 12/02/2025 18:56

Yes I know that but that’s the explanation he gave to my friend. Our dog is trained he has excellent recall and obeys commands but he won’t stop barking when unknown male come into our house.

Show quote history

I think your dog is pretty smart. He knows how fucking shit most men are. I'm becoming more and more like your dog. If it's a man I don't know, he'd better not get close to me, tbh! I only trust a few men in my life, and event then, I'm still cautious.

MoonWoman69 · 12/02/2025 20:02

Don't be in his company again! Your dog deserves loving people around him, not complete arseholes like this! If your dog has had an issue with men in the past, it's obviously been a problem to him, which it sounds like he's slowly getting over. This Ben could make him anxious again and set him right back! I wouldn't be having that.
Your friends standards can't be very high if she can be with someone like this! Just agree to meet her without him in future.
Someone I knew once visited and was mean about and to my beloved cat at the time. Even with my comments back that I wasn't impressed or happy about the things they were doing and saying, they carried on. In fact, I took their half drunk tea off them and they left. It was the last time they set foot over my threshold!

AcquadiP · 12/02/2025 19:59

OnlyThickBeans · 12/02/2025 16:03

I do think it’s totally unnecessary that your dog has to acclimatise to (and I say this as someone with labs). Labs typically love attention and visitors so it’s odd that you feel this is a requirement.

Bens behaviour towards your dog sounds odd, so it probably solves your first problem as Im not sure I’d want to invite him based on his behaviour.

Labs are typically gregarious animals, you're right, but OP's dog has a nervous disposition which I've seen in several Labs. OP is absolutely correct to introduce new people, and especially men, on neutral ground before inviting them to the house as this will considerably reduce the dog's anxiety when they arrive at the house for the first time.

treesandsun · 12/02/2025 19:54

JadeMember · 12/02/2025 18:43

Oh yes and my friend thought he was a f…idiot how he behaved in the pub but then he broke down and said he had a bad experience as he was bitten by dog and it left him traumatised that’s why he behaved like he did. Apparently you need to bark back at dogs to make them understand he is Alfa. That’s his explanation

and your friend bought that as an explanation?

Pennyplant19 · 12/02/2025 19:51

Ben said this anxious behaviour should be beaten out of him

Massive red flag. That would be the last interaction I had with him. Absolute wanker.

VeryDeepEverything · 12/02/2025 19:47

AcquadiP · 12/02/2025 19:41

To be blunt, your best friend's boyfriend is a nasty, self-absorbed, prick.

He endorses violence against dogs (and presumably other animals). Violence won't achieve anything other than completely destroying the trust your dog has in you and your DP and making him considerably more nervous/anxious than he already is.

This bloke displays a complete lack of empathy towards a dog he knows is lacking in confidence and suffering from anxiety. He could have tried to befriend your dog instead of trying to provoke him by man-handling him and barking at him (which was infantile to say the least.)

And he refuses your request to meet and greet your dog on neutral terrority when everyonelse has been accommodating. On that basis, I wouldn't invite him to dinner because I wouldn't want him in the house, period. Your dog, your house, your rules.

I actually saw red reading your post. I really cannot abide any type of cruelty towards animals and this nasty piece of work is capable of inflicting both physical and mental cruelty on animals. Anyone capable of doing that is also perfectly capable of inflicting cruelty on anyone weaker than themselves including women and children. And no, he wasn't 'playing', that's the bully's defence. And he's not frightened of dogs either, that's a lie.
Please don't let this creep near your dog again. You're doing all the right things, you're making good progress with your dog and your perseverance will pay in the long run. But anyone who provokes an already stressed dog in a way that he cannot possibly comprehend, potentially could end up being nipped or bitten. Labs have strong jaws and 42 extremely sharp teeth. Frankly, I think your dog did well not to growl at him.
What you can't put your finger on, I suspect, is your instincts telling you that this bloke is extremely bad news and is not to be trusted.
I hope your friend wakes up and sees him for what he really is.

Show quote history

👌👌👌

Howisitfebruaryalready · 12/02/2025 19:43

JadeMember · 12/02/2025 18:43

Oh yes and my friend thought he was a f…idiot how he behaved in the pub but then he broke down and said he had a bad experience as he was bitten by dog and it left him traumatised that’s why he behaved like he did. Apparently you need to bark back at dogs to make them understand he is Alfa. That’s his explanation

Yeah, this is what makes him dangerous rather than just a dick head.

He behaved like a twat, no one who is scared of dogs behaved that way, and was trying to bit your poor dog who is clearly a good judge of character. He then dealt with your friend by pretending to be upset to manipulate her back into line by feeling sorry for him. More red flags that a communist convention.

AcquadiP · 12/02/2025 19:41

JadeMember · 12/02/2025 16:01

Sorry it’s a long one. This is not about my dog’s behaviour but background for context..
We rescued a puppy before lockdown and after lockdown he was very reactive to any male visitors ( he was fine with children and women) coming to the house. He is now ok with people he knows but barks at any men he doesn’t know. He is a big Labrador and can look scary. He is ok outside, in other people’s houses, hotels etc. We tried everything and at the end his psychologist diagnosed him with anxiety and prescribed Prozac.
My best friend has a boyfriend ( let’s call him Ben ) and they have been seeing each other for about 7months. He didn’t meet her children yet but we met him a few times. I mentioned our dog to Ben and I said once the dog gets to know him outside the house, we will have them over for dinner. He thought it’s ridiculous that he needs to make an effort to meet the dog. I completely understand that but that’s what all of our other friends did and it worked. Ben said this anxious behaviour should be beaten out of him. My friend’s teenage daughter is suffering with anxiety and although I know dogs and humans are not the same, beating is never the answer! Last Sunday, we were planning to go for a dog walk and my friend asked if she and Ben can come along and then we can go to the pub for lunch. On the walk Ben was making mean remarks about our dog for no reason. In the pub, our dog would usually sit under the table by my DP’s feet but it takes him maybe 10min to settle. Normally we ignore him and he is fine. Ben was constantly bothering him, growling in his face and trying to pull him close. We were all telling him to leave the dog alone but he said he is just playing. As I predicted our dog started barking at him and Ben started barking back at him. My DP is holding on to the dog and I’m telling Ben to stop provoking him. The whole pub was looking at us like we are insane. I said to Ben to leave the dog alone because he can bite him. I only said that to stop him barking at the dog like a lunatic. Our dog never bitten anyone but it’s an animal and so it’s unpredictable when provoked. Ben said ( with the smirk on his face )that if he bites him he will need to be put down. After the whole scene my DP and I left. Later I spoke to my friend and she said the reason Ben was like that because he is scared of the dogs as he was once bitten. Would you be provoking a dog if you are scared of it? I know not everyone likes dogs. But those comments make me very wary of him and makes me think he is not as kind as he portrayed himself. Or I am overthinking it? Again this is not about the dog rather about Ben’s behaviour. There is something bothering me and I can’t put my finger on it. And AIBU to tell my friend to rethink the relationship?

To be blunt, your best friend's boyfriend is a nasty, self-absorbed, prick.

He endorses violence against dogs (and presumably other animals). Violence won't achieve anything other than completely destroying the trust your dog has in you and your DP and making him considerably more nervous/anxious than he already is.

This bloke displays a complete lack of empathy towards a dog he knows is lacking in confidence and suffering from anxiety. He could have tried to befriend your dog instead of trying to provoke him by man-handling him and barking at him (which was infantile to say the least.)

And he refuses your request to meet and greet your dog on neutral terrority when everyonelse has been accommodating. On that basis, I wouldn't invite him to dinner because I wouldn't want him in the house, period. Your dog, your house, your rules.

I actually saw red reading your post. I really cannot abide any type of cruelty towards animals and this nasty piece of work is capable of inflicting both physical and mental cruelty on animals. Anyone capable of doing that is also perfectly capable of inflicting cruelty on anyone weaker than themselves including women and children. And no, he wasn't 'playing', that's the bully's defence. And he's not frightened of dogs either, that's a lie.
Please don't let this creep near your dog again. You're doing all the right things, you're making good progress with your dog and your perseverance will pay in the long run. But anyone who provokes an already stressed dog in a way that he cannot possibly comprehend, potentially could end up being nipped or bitten. Labs have strong jaws and 42 extremely sharp teeth. Frankly, I think your dog did well not to growl at him.
What you can't put your finger on, I suspect, is your instincts telling you that this bloke is extremely bad news and is not to be trusted.
I hope your friend wakes up and sees him for what he really is.

LouiseTopaz · 12/02/2025 19:41

Wouldn't have tolerated it that long, your dog shouldn't have had to bark you should have advocated for him and the first time it happened left.

VeryDeepEverything · 12/02/2025 19:38

Turned on the tears when he got called out for his shitty behaviour did he?

And he wasn't just reacting from fear, which doesn't even add up as he was increasing his risk as you pointed out at the time, he also totally ignored you asking him to stop and was quite happy embarrassing you all in the pub.

This man has more red flags than a communist parade!!

Screamingabdabz · 12/02/2025 19:36

I’m not a dog person - sick of them being everywhere and can’t stand drippy dog owners who think the world revolves around their dog.

That said, Yanbu. Anybody being deliberately cruel or provoking an animal is vile. And a real red flag as far as your mate is concerned. What a prick. He would not be allowed in my house and I’d have nothing further to do with him, mate or no mate.

hideawayforever · 12/02/2025 19:36

Ben sounds like a cruel bully, talking about beating a dog, I wouldn't let him anywhere near my dog and I would avoid going anywhere near Ben, nasty vile man

RunningJo · 12/02/2025 19:36

Ben sounds like a bit of a dick.
Who thinks barking and growling at a dog is a good idea? A dog he knows isn’t keen on men.
His behaviour is ridiculous & I wouldn’t have him near my dog again, unfair to put a dog in a situation where he may feel he has to react. Especially react to a man who seems keen to tell you the dog would be pts if it bit him! Yep, Ben is definitely a bit of a dick.

Cocothecoconut · 12/02/2025 19:36

So he has allegedly been bitten yet he deliberately starts provoking a dog who does not like strange men
words fail me 😠

outerspacepotato · 12/02/2025 19:31

Ben is a nasty idiot who was trying to provoke your dog in hopes that he could get him euthanized. And he did it right in front of you.

Keep your dog and yourselves completely away from him. He means no good here. He sounds like an animal abuser.

Bestie can suck it for dating a guy who is trying to get your animal killed.

Dymaxion · 12/02/2025 19:30

I would be suggesting to your friend she does a Clare's law request. People who goad nervous dogs as a joke , will probably be used to goading women with their fists !

ThighsYouCantControl · 12/02/2025 19:25

I don’t know much about socialising dogs so I won’t pretend to but I do know a red flag when I see one and Ben sounds like he’s one of those so I wouldn’t be in a hurry to hang out with him.

Orland0 · 12/02/2025 19:24

YABU to tell your friend to rethink the relationship, I don’t think it’s your place.

Other than that, YANBU to not want to see Ben again or invite him over to your home. He sounds like a nasty POS tbh, he’d never be getting an invite to my home after behaving like that.

ClockingOffers · 12/02/2025 19:24

Surely your friend will ditch Ben after seeing what an arsehole he is? If she doesn’t, I’d only meet up with her when he’s not around.

It’s not up to you to make her see sense.

heroinechic · 12/02/2025 19:22

I'm laughing with my DH at the idea of Ben barking at your dog to establish himself as the alpha in the middle of a pub 😂

SociopathicGorilla · 12/02/2025 19:15

You should have left straight away, not subjected your dog to that behavIyour.

Ben is a dickhead. Your friend is a dickhead. Ditch the pair of them and save yourself the inevitable hours of phone calls consoling her when he treats her like shit.

Lazydomestic · 12/02/2025 19:10

JadeMember · 12/02/2025 18:35

Trying to figure out how to respond to individual post but I can’t without copying them.
Anyway, after Ben’s first comment about beating dogs, yes it shocked me, I have explained that why it’s never a way to go. He never said anything about not liking dogs and also talking about the dog was never a priority. I only mentioned it because we were having a dinner at my friends house and I said next time you can come to ours but the dog..,
All the other times we met him, he was lovely, charming, kind and I thought my friend met someone really good. He was super helpful with our car issues and my computer at work. Btw he was always the one offering to help. I now know that’s not the case. My DP has actually read me the definition psychopath and it really fits! So tomorrow I’m having breakfast after school drop off with my friend and try to somehow make her see what we see

My DP has actually read me the definition psychopath and it really fits! So tomorrow I’m having breakfast after school drop off with my friend and try to somehow make her see what we see

Get her a book on the psychology of serial killers.

Anybody tried that with my dog & it would find out pretty sharpish the owner is far scarier than the dog is !

Frequency · 12/02/2025 19:07

Ben needs to be beaten until he learns how to behave in public, that's how it works, right?

Seriously though, OP, I'd be cutting my friend out too for staying with this prick.

Oasister · 12/02/2025 19:06

Ben is clearly a first rate dick. Don't give him any benefit of the doubt. Keep your lovely dog away from him. By all means tell your friend why you won't be anywhere near the narcissistic dick. If she stays with him, distance yourself from her for the foreseeable. Don't worry she'll back when it all goes tits up.

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