To think if you’re not bonded to your child four years on, you never will be?

It took me a long time to bond with my DD. I did love her in the sense that I would have done anything to keep her safe, happy, healthy etc, but the real emotional connection took longer to form and I found her challenging and difficult to understand. It started to come very gradually when she was 3. I did struggle with my mental health which had a huge impact. Sometimes I thought she'd be better off with someone else.

A few years on though, we are very close. We have a strong relationship and the bond is definitely there, but it's up and down and there are still phases where I feel the disconnect. I've had to learn how to communicate and connect with her. It's something I am often working to maintain and it changes as she grows.
I was speaking to a friend recently who experienced similar and she said the bond with her youngest almost feels more special now, because it didn't come easy, she had to work at it, so it was intentional. I found that a lovely way to look at it.
I trust that you'll get there in time, but even if you don't, the important thing is that you're there for your son which it sounds like you really are. I think there is so much pressure on us to feel that immediate wonderful bond. It's not always like that.

Do you have a parent infant psychotherapy or parent infant relationship service near you? You could look online. Some go up to age 2 others up to age 5. If not, can you have a look on the ACP website for an accredited, properly trained and qualified child psychotherapist, who will listen to you and what you are going throigh, and have been through, and help you both together. These sorts of difficulties can be relatively quick to shift, believe it or not. It may not take too many sessions at this point. It is not too late and there are ways forward. Good luck.

Yes i get it my own sister was like this they have all grown up now.
It can happen that some people dont have that mum bond sister was more like a big sister to her to kids.
She loved them cared for them want for nothing but truth is she never felt like a mother.
She never had any mental health issues just the way she was.
Her children never called her mum either they have a great relationship both kids now live abroad if they need her she will be on the first flight out.
But she never had that mum feeling.

Mostly it was both of us having undiagnosed ADHD clashing with each other in really explosive ways. I think I was also so burnt out from the demands of parenting and didn't know why.

Never any bond at all? Or going through a tricky time?

Are there other children who do feel bonded? Maybe the expectation and reality of what bonding feels like aren't matched up.

I found my eldest extremely difficult at 4 and probably would have happily given him to another family except that I felt so guilty about the effect it would have on him.

Anyway our relationship slowly got better. He's a teenager now and I'd say we have a good relationship. My second child has been challenging in a similar way but it hasn't been destructive to our relationship in the same way. I know more that I wish I'd known when my eldest was that age. I also have better resources and support myself.

I was going to suggest family therapy. A child and family therapist would be good

I don’t think it’s so very unusual to feel differently about your children, particularly if one is more challenging than the other, or was born at a more difficult period in your life etc. You can love a child whilst not necessarily liking them all that much, or finding their behaviour frustrating.

It’s taboo to admit it, hence why I imagine you probably haven’t sought out support in real life. Have you considered something like play therapy or parent-child interaction therapy, to help you get down on his level, understand his behaviours and personality better, and have an opportunity where it feels like you’re enjoying just being with him and getting to know him rather than fighting a constant battle of wills to get him to do as he’s told, stop winding up his sibling, listen to you etc?

ETA: like with animals, with children behaviour is communication. If you can get to the bottom of what he’s trying to tell the world with his difficult behaviour, you’ll really begin to nurture the bond between you.

Is this your only child? If so, how do you know you aren’t bonded? You can’t go by what other people (or worse, social media) tell you “bonded” supposedly looks and feels like and find yourself lacking. We all experience love and bond differently, nobody knows how anyone else feels or if it’s the same feelings they experience in their inside.

Do you care for your child? Do you feel protective of them? You’ve put their needs first and above yours for over four years now? Like any child they are incessant and demanding but you’ve been there through all that? They are alive and presumably thriving? You feel significantly enough for them that you are worried and upset about your feelings, and never want them to know? That sounds like a bond to me.

Parenting isn’t all joy and rainbows. It’s a slog. Are you perhaps mistaking not loving being a parent with not loving your child?

Do you have any other children?
I ask because I'm wondering if you are thinking you should feel things that people generally don't feel but are told they ought to

I feel the same way but sadly I'm a few years further down the line and of course, can't say this to anyone ........

A friend of mine is like this, hers is 3, she is committed practically but finds bonding and closeness difficult, she has discussed this with me on and off, it’s not natural for everybody, certainly wouldn’t judge her as she’s a wonderful person and very kind, try not to be hard on yourself, I’ve heard of this type of reaction before x

4 is still a fairly young and hard work age. You might find once they start school (if they haven't already) and start getting a bit older it gets easier and more enjoyable and so you feel more bonded perhaps?

It took 2 years for me. Traumatic birth and IVF.

I know it's not as long as 4 years but just wanted to show support that everyone is different. I hated the baby stage and have needed to be medicated to get through it. Loving toddler cheek. Perhaps there may be a future age that you prefer?

I haven’t been in this situation but I wanted to reply to see if you are ok. Do you feel depressed at all? Low mood and mental health issues can interfere with parental bonds. Or did you have a particularly traumatic birth with your four year old? I am just trying to think why you might be feeling like this. Do you still have a health visitor you can speak to? Hope you are ok.