In light of another thread what is the ‘Worst thing daughter/son in-law has ever said or done to you?

You sound lovely, but maybe still hankering a bit as you've been hurt.
Gently, I think you need to let go a bit. Personalities and generations play a big part. The scenarios could be completely different. Just don't be dick and you'll be fine.

I think a previous poster nailed it when they said that it's easy to be a 'good' DIL if you have a 'good' MIL.

If your MIL is someone who is reasonable, who looks for common ground, who respects boundaries and if you possess those same qualities then you're more likely to have a harmonious relationship. You might not be besties but you will at least be able to navigate your interactions with civility.

If it wasn't for the fact you said a 2.5hour drive and not 2 and it was a granddaughter not grandson. I'd be wondering if you were my stepmum, as my sil done almost the exact same to all of us. Her family (who all live in the same area) then all went back to the house after but we weren't invited so all got back in our cars and drove the two hours home. We weren't invited to any birthdays after that (no one had complained or anything), which I was happy about 😂

Most will just get on with it. I think your perspective is a very female one. Yes a female grandchild, and often when starting her own family would do what you are saying.

Nope! I’m not letting you do that! This was not sexism - this was narcissistic control by the DIL

Obviously there is a much bigger background story to this but it’d take an essay. You’d still try and find something …ist or …ism to feel smug about!

Haha! Yes, what a fantasy this poster spins. Its basically a lost heir scenario. Do kids stalk old peoples social media? Doubtful! Does granny’s social media prove she’s a good person? Again:doubtful. From what I can see looking at estranged granny social media—gransnet for instance or fb for parents of estranged adults lots of seniors really show their racist, sexist, homophobic and generally paranoid selves on social media.

I am thinking here about the documentary “fox news brainwashed my father” and the widespread descent into paranoid conspiracy theories of the q anon generation during covid. The social media posts of grandparents can be absolutely horrifying.

I am keeping a list of the hurtful things my mil has done to me over the years, not to upset anyone, just as a reference point so that when I hopefully have dil one day I can avoid replaying the same mistakes.

i think it’s a tricky relationship, I’m sure I have acted badly towards my mil sometimes but always unwittingly. We just think and act very differently despite loving and respecting each other.

Well I didn't say when they might start to question interfamilial relationships but triggers such as new partners, birth of children, a period of introspection, therapy etc could lead to a questioning of why you are not close to a relative. That's not to say a fair few won't plod on not questioning or caring who's missing from the picture.

I don't think you know many young men to be fair. Not a lot of them will be questioning their relationships with wider family. Most are off sowing their own oats and serving their own interests, as it should be.
As for the controlling mother, they are probably already running a mile. Hopefully

What it means is, that as the grandson grows up, he may well start to wonder why he never sees his father's side of the family. His mum may say that they are awful people but his interest will be piqued. How are they awful? He'll look on their social media and see nothing thar indicates they are in any way particularly awful and he may well reach out to them in order to establish relations.

If he has had experience of his mum being oddly selective over his relationships with others, friends, gfs etc, he's going to give his grandparents the benefit of the doubt and his mum may very well find herself having to explain herself to her son as to why she has deprived him of having his paternal grandparents in his life as he was growing up. What on earth can she say in her defence that isn't going to sound pathetic and selfish?

My MIL didn't like me because, as DH and I developed a relationship, DH developed an understanding of everything wrong about his childhood and his relationship with her.

I grew up with an abusive parent - emotional, psychological, physical, social, and sometimes financial. As DH and I learned about each other in that way you do when your relationship is deepening, he began recognising his own experiences in what he learned of mine. He learned it's not normal to be locked in a room or denied privacy or physically dragged out of bed at 2am and put out onto the doorstep or to have plates or shoes or hammers thrown at you, to be slammed against walls, be told you're worthless/ungrateful/unwanted, and so on (there's more to the abuse but I don't want to go into that level of detail).

There was no big confrontation but he began to slowly distance himself from her, quietly withdrawing until he eventually went NC. At that point he told her why and that he didn't want her in his life and certainly didn't want her around any DC we had.

She blamed me and, to this day if asked, will say I turned him against her. I filled his head with lies. I considered myself above them and too good for their family. That I'm spiteful and selfish. I'm afraid to share him with them because I know I have no chance of holding him if he knows he can escape to his family. I'm m cutting him off from them because I want him to have other options but me.

That is very sad. I hope he has found some peace with it now.

Definitely some issues there with your MIL. Difficult to navigate if she is hell bent on being difficult!

OP asked first examples—I certainly can’t give an example of awful DILs because my two DD’s aren’t married yet. I love my dd’s current gf though and love to have her over and think very highly of her.

I disliked my MIL very much—she was a very controlling, difficult, critical person who alienated her own dd’s and both sons long before I got there. I was unable to mend what she had already broken. Not because she was in a MIL position but because she didn’t know how to be a good mother or colleague to another adult woman. So though I dealt with her graciously, as one might with a cranky elderly neighbor, i wasn’t able to make her happy. I certainly waited on her hand and foot when she was at my house. But she was put off by the multiple course meals I cooked for her.

My In-laws and I have clashed. But I have put it all aside, because they love my children and treat them well. So all the rest is just noise.
I think if the in-laws don't treat the kids well, then yes maybe the deserve the vitriol

Don’t get started on shoes. Her house it’s off and we all take them off before the front door even closes.

My house she won’t take hers off. Will walk though the entire downstairs, then need a cigarette and wonder the entire garden flicking her fag but then back in still shoes on.

Maybe she was ill?

I mean on the occasion that she went to bed in the afternoon.

Yes I agree, my MIL never take off her shoes when she visits, which I think is rude. But I have come to just let it go, and try and find the things we have in common ...not the things we don't.

@UndermyShoeJoe sounds like you can’t win. Weird hill for her to pick to die on! 🫣

Apologies but what does this mean
....If, however, you opt to make a mystery out of someone who would otherwise be a close relative, it may well come back to bite you later in life

Or possibly that the older people are more tolerant and/or mature?

But actually I suspect it has more to do with the nasty attitudes on MN and the fact that the "in-laws" are one of the groups everyone loves to hate, so it is pointless saying anything. After all, it only took a half dozen posts for the subject to suddenly become "in-law hatred" again.

But I do offer drinks. Just I don’t go oh do you want a tea because I’m putting the kettle on.

If I’m going to get a water and ask would you like a water or a cola.

Funnily enough at mils home, she offers tea and coffee and if you want anything else be that a j20 or a vodka it’s help yourself you know where the fridge / sprit cupboard is.

My MIL was consistently horrible to her son. I neve liked her she was a negative mood hoover, perpetually depressed and lazy but would do nothing about it. I tried to get ion with her but ended up just tolerating it and ignoring her phoning us to yell at him down the phone, tell him he was unwelcome in her house etc. he was so upset when she died because she was never very nice to him and it was then too late to make amends. I picked up the pieces as usual. I have learned to never, ever behave that way to my children although I am not an MIL yet.

Well @UndermyShoeJoe it just shows how easy it is for relationships to go wrong because we have different expectations. In my world, not offering a guest a drink is rude. And asking to help yourself / or just helping yourself is also rude. But it’s clearly not rude in your world, but maybe your MIL can’t get past it? Very sad that inconsequential things cause so much friction.

There are just as many awful dils as mils.
Some of the mil threads on here are written by awful dils as well as replied to by them.