To not understand why family want my LO to stay

I temporarily fostered a little boy while his mum had planned surgery. She didn’t want him to stay before hand as she (like you) wanted him at home with her. We prepared him for staying by doing bath time at my house then having pyjama party (popcorn and gladiators) then she’d nip back and pick him up ready for bed. He’d seen his bed here and knew where he’d sleep. This helped as her surgery was expedited and he came far earlier than I was expecting. It always helps kids to have surrounding where they feel comfortable, however, I agree they don’t have to necessarily sleepover.

I don't see why if you love a child relative you have to have them overnight. Day time visits are just as valid. Going on about overnight visits is weird.

Op, don't do anything you don't want to do. And don't feel like you have to justify yourself to anyone and not on Mumsnet either.

I assumed it was your DM or MIL, and was about to share my experience of my MIL wanting to have DC overnight without us because, as she told us, they'd go to her and not us if we weren't there. That's what she wanted/wants: to be loved and needed.

Now that you've said it's your DB, have to say I'm a bit surprised. Does he have DC of his own? I've never known of a grown man WANTING to be left alone with a child who isn't his! DO his DC want to play pretend with your DC?

I think this is weird.

I've left my kids overnight loads of times for work and other trips, but always with their dad. Their dad has left them a couple of times overnight, but always with me. The only time we've ever left DS with anyone else overnight was when I was in labour with DD and we called my in laws to come and stay over. DD has never been left with anyone else overnight.

I think we are hoping to leave them both overnight with my in laws for a night this summer so we can go to a wedding, but that will be the first time, and at our request. It's an odd thing for the other person to request when it's not necessary.

It's very odd.
Children who bedshare with their mum and dad should continue to do so until they are ready.
And until they are ready, why should there be any need for overnights?
They can love your child with you there, during the day.
They can enjoy your child's company with their mum and/or dad with them.
Some people are interested in a do over as a parent but this should be challenged quickly and boundaries firm to protect your child.
"Thank you but until they're about 6 or 7 years old, we're not looking for sleepovers away from mum and/or dad"
This would have been the usual time two generations ago because this is when children are almost all continent overnight and can say they're homesick/want to go home etc by this level of maturity.

Totally agree with this.
Just tell them you might when she's older.
They are just being nice.

If you have fond memories of sleepovers, you were obviously older than 14 months. OP's baby won't gain anything from the sleepover while they are so young. At that age, it's all about the wants/needs of the adults, not the baby's.

Other people aren’t entitled to your child. Grandparents have zero rights. The relationship is nice to have if it works but it’s not essential.

i prefer my children to be around our friends who have better relationships with our children and generally better understanding of what small children need

My mil was like this. She ask Leo saying things like 'when can my babies sleep over'. Drive me mad.

Dts did sleep over when they about 4 I think and a few times after that but it wasn't worth it she pumped them full of sugar and they were vile the next day. I didn't mind a bit of sugar but it was relentless.

She's asking now for half term, they're 14 and want to be with their mates. She sees them at least once a week anyway. Bio it in the bud would be my advice!

The constant asking would bother me too, but it is understandable that your child is not just your child : she's also a granddaughter, a niece, etc. And these relationships are important too.

The family members asking to have her probably want to create this bond without you interfering. And I'm not trying to say you're constantly hovering and making comments, but a child tends to always go to their parents when necessary.
Some people also really love the baby stage, nothing creepy in there as long as they don't want to take the parents' place.
And personally I think it's good for children's mental health to be able to adapt to other people and bond with other adults than their parents.

I've had this with my MIL in the past , I might have been happy to introduce sleepovers if a respectful conversation was had about it , but that was never the case , she put constant pressure on me for years and years but in a very demanding and disrespectful way also in my LO ear constantly about how dc has to stay with them. It's got to a point now it will never happen, MIL was awful in other ways too. If you are not comfortable yet that's all you have to say is , thanks for the offer one day when we are ready perhaps we can discuss it. If they keep going on just say , I've already said we are not ready , can we not talk about sleepovers at this time please. I find it difficult to be direct but I think when you are dealing with 'certain people' , there is no other way , just simple and honest . If they are decent they will understand

My brother did the same when our children were young OP (although not as young as yours (primary school age).

I had a bad feeling about it, particularly as his behaviour when visiting our home made me uncomfortable as well. I never regretted saying no, nor going very LC with him.

Trust your gut - your children, your rules. You seem to have a very clear grasp of what feels right for you. Go with that.

I don’t think YABU, but I know my LO’s grandparents love (for some bizarre reason) putting the baby to bed. LO’s ones are just so much extra cute in their little pj’s and when they wake up in the morning, I think particularly grandparents love getting involved from that perspective as it’s like having you back as a baby again.

i love my kids staying overnight at my parents or sisters house ! They go once a month usually and me and husband have a night out and can sleep in the next day

i send the older child (4) Ireland to stay with family for a week in the summer too! Have done since she was 2! She loves it has time with cousins and does loads of fun things

she’ll probably spend 2 weeks when at school as it’s only help we have with childcare

but each to their own if you don’t want to do that then that’s fine too

as a parent it’s always your choice

I used to love staying over at my grandparents when I was little, it was a special treat and formed a close bond with them. I don't think it's necessary at 14 months though, I would just tell them that you feel she's too little at the moment, maybe in a few years. I never felt like I needed a break from mine at that age either but they did occasionally stay with grandparents if we had a night out. They absolutely loved staying at my mum and dad's ☺️

Glad you said that - IVF parents do not automatically love their children more 🙄

I have PIL always pushing for my children (both under 4) to stay at their house for 3-4 nights even a week to “give me a break”.

i don’t want my children staying at their house 7 hours away for a week. They don’t want to see us as a family as they’ve said they prefer to parent our children alone without us there as they parents. Apparently they are more obedient to grandparents when the parents aren’t around for cuddles etc. the whole thing is about control. I’ve tried to say they’re welcome to come and be grandparents at our house and stay but they want us out the way so they can do things their way. They are pushy and ask for this every month.

I wish I had people offering to take mine! In all fairness you do you and its your decision. My children all had nights away from me with family members from a reasonably young age as it gave us a break - sometimes we just had an early night and a lie in! However, I find now they are older its also paying dividends as they are all happy to be away from us at school camps and cub camps etc, or if we have an event. Lots of children in my DD2's class are worrying about the upcoming school residential as they have never had a night away, which I think is unhealthy. You need to strike a balance, and starting young in my mind is better as it becomes the norm for them, rather than a big thing.

I think they just love your child! I have such fond memories of having sleepovers at my grandparents. My brother has offered to overnight babysit and we have taken him up a few times (also a long awaited baby!). It was lovely for everyone. But, if it’s not for you, then there is no problem, just do what you are comfortable with. He may not understand why you don’t want a night babysitter, just like you can’t understand why he’s offering.

Fellow IVF mum here.
You do you.

Equally, I will say that kids that I bonded with earlier (nephews, kids of friends...) were kids that I stuck with a lot more. I hold them when they are babies? They come for sleepovers as toddlers? I'll look after the sick and cranky older kid. I didn't have a bond with them and now I am supposed to show up at a recital? Sorry, nope. To me, the bonding starts when they are cute and the parents don't get to pick & chose the nicest parts. My kids were definitely cuddled (and worse - kissed 😉) by everyone when they were at their cutest and slept over at whoever wanted them, even though I didn't have plans. That was their family time, from the youngest age.

It's fine for now, but do be mindful that you may need your child to be settled for someone else one day. What would happen if your older child or partner/elderly relative/whoever had to go to hospital (God forbid) and you needed to be there?