To not give her a lift?

She sounds entitled and rude. She is not worth making friends with so do not bend over backwards to help out. Actually do not help her out full stop.

Her child is HER responsibility not yours. If she does not turn up to collect her child the venue will have a duty of care to keep her there and probably call social services.

I've had a reply. I'm staring at it in disbelief. Basically, she says its fine if I have to do the food shop after the activity, her child won't mind tagging along! Clearly I'm crap at saying no. I'm just going to have to be rude aren't I?

Nope. No need to be rude. Just say sorry, it doesn't work for us.

No excuses, excuses are just an invitation to begin. Just.say.no

OP your child comes first, just reply and explain it’s too disruptive for your own child so you can’t help unfortunately bot others seem more than happy to so maybe they can make do it instead.

Certainly in the UK I would have thought most people running children's clubs would not release a child into the care of some random adult without prior permission from the parent. Unless this woman messaged the club organiser giving that permission but just didn't tell the OP? Still a bit hard to imagine though. What if the OP's parents were collecting their DGD and taking her back to their house in the opposite direction? Unless the other mother is completely chaotic and neglectful I just can't see this happening. But people like that don't generally take their children to clubs half an hour from home anyway.

I think this could possibly be outside the UK. It's still all sorts of odd though.

The other parents seemed to think I was being incredibly unreasonable for dithering over it. They all seem to know each other well, but live in the opposite direction.

This is fully and completely explained by their making it your problem and letting them all off the hook.

Don't let them do that to you again.

Sorry you have been treated like this.

Never mind the village- this is a huge safeguarding risk (the lift and then no one being in).

I wouldn’t have taken this the first time but you are going to have to put a stop to it. Be very direct, I wouldn’t get into behaviour as it won’t help the child but just say to the mum directly that you won’t be able to give a lift.

TBH I would also probably make a report to social services about no one being in apart from a lodger. I’d also have a serious word with the club about safeguarding.

Honestly, any parent strange enough to do that, is unpredictable enough to accuse you of all sorts should something happen to her kid. Be careful of not putting yourself in a vulnerable position.. I am not one of life’s anxious people, and I am kind and helpful, but I would feel v uncomfortable with this and refuse.

I'm going to go slightly against the grain here @DreamingOfHotPotatoes

Kickychild's parent is a CF. She should have asked you if this was okay and it would get my back up too.

But, bear in mind that this is the point where some the adults in this group are your potential friends for life and by refusing, you risk alienating yourself.

If your child's autism really is a barrier, then have a word directly with the mother/father and explain that's the reason - that your DC needs quiet time in the car to decompress because of their disability.

If it's not, then rather than communicate by group WhatsApp, you still should chat to the parent and explain you were surprised by their assumption and let them know what would be acceptable to you. That might be sharing favours, or sticking to your guns and assertively saying, 'sorry, no, I'm afraid I can't commit to this' or suggesting the parent comes up with a liftshare rota.

You have to stamp this out now. No no no. You are NOT taking this child anywhere. If she leaves them behind - that’s for the leader to deal with. Don’t be guilted into this by people who this has nothing to do with, and aren’t offering their own help. So so inappropriate and quite frankly utterly batshit behaviour

Last week she just left the child at the activity and told the child I would be giving them a ride home. I gave the child a ride home,

Are you in the UK? A small village somewhere? I just can’t imagine this situation being acceptable anywhere for any childcare provider or decent parent. I would not have felt comfortable taking any child home without the parent’s explicit consent.

Leave the child at the activity and tell the organiser that you have not agreed to take them home. The organiser will have to phone the parent to pick them up.

The OP has said:

on discovering that I drive past her house, has decided that I will be taking her child to and from the activity from now on.

Although all other posts seem to focus on the from rather than the to.

I'd like to know how she found out exactly where the OP lives though, to know that she drives past her house. The OP said everyone else lives in the opposite direction so I'm not sure how they'd know either, but the OP seems to be the only one this CF hasn't actually engaged in conversation about this giving lifts plan.

Is the OP coming back do you suppose? Lots of questions outstanding.

But @DreamingOfHotPotatoes isn’t willing to share the driving, @Vevvie - she doesn’t want a rude, kicky child in her car, pushing her child to try to get to the front seat first, and, most importantly, taking away the quiet, de-stressing time her child (who has autism) needs during the journey home!

on discovering that I drive past her house, has decided that I will be taking her child to and from the activity from now on.

How is her child going to get TO the activity if you're not picking them up? Surely, when you don't swing by and collect them, they will have to drive 30 minutes there to take them. I would speak to them then and say that you won't be taking them home.

If the other parents are horrible about it, I'd give the activity a miss for a few weeks and tell the organisers why.

This. Because you've seen what happens when you give excuses - CF finds a way round them. Just say no.

Just tell her you’re willing to share the driving, one drops off and the other picks up.

Don't make excuses, don't say 'sorry' and don't use your child as the reason for not giving anyone a lift.

Say something like....

.... You misunderstand me. I'm not giving kicky child any lifts.

Just say no. You do not owe them an explanation. But if you feel you need one tell them you are not comfortable with the liability and will not be giving rides. If they are rude tell them I'm sorry but the answer is no. I am not a chauffeur or a babysitting service. As far as the other parents tell them they are welcome to drive them as they feel it is important.

It's not rude to be assertive. It's not rude to protect what is important to your child.

Her child might not mind 'tagging along' (or they might mind a lot) but you mind, and your dc minds. The answer has to be a very firm no, for all ocassions.

Message her (not the group) and say "for various reasons that I will not be discussing, I can not give any lifts home from X. That includes this evening." Copy it to the group leaders.

Please stand your ground. These people can't organise your life for you, and you don't have to appease them.

Why bother with faffing about on whatsapp? Clearly you just dont accept the child again, you have agency here simply dont let a stranger in your car.

Indeed!

I'm wondering if Op didn't know about this until the child said at the activity.

Otherwise she would have told the mum no straight away?

Then when faced with it why take the child?

Makes no sense at all!

This raises safeguarding concerns on many levels ...

Just message and say you are not giving her child a lift and you can’t believe that she has the audacity to to presume you would do without even asking you first! Say if anyone else has a problem then maybe they can do it instead but you won’t be!

I only ser this kind of post on mn and never in real life and I have two kids who do multiple activities.

You seriously just wordlessly accepted a random child in your car and drove them home? Why? Who an earth does that?

Should that have ever happened to me I would have taken the child to activity leaders and explained they needed to contact her parents.

Why bother with faffing about on whatsapp? Clearly you just dont accept the child again, you have agency here simply dont let a stranger in your car.

I am so confused as to how this is now a thing...

I think the whole episode is a huge red flag.
The group leader needs to told as they were responsible for the child.
If you know the school the child attends, it should be reported to the school too.

Huge red flag behaviour.