To be annoyed I gave the money back

There maybe wasn’t much money between the ex and her. And if he earned the same as her or less plus there was no equity in the house as she said earlier, it’s plausible that she didn’t “accept” less money in the divorce but that there wasn’t any there to begin with. Also divorce is an expensive process and I imagine a lot of money was eaten up in solicitor’s fees etc, then moving fees.

When I was 24 my mother emotionally blackmailed me into spending all of my divorce settlement - £7K - into relocating her, my younger brother and myself back to Australia, from the UK.

I'd been suffering from severe depression since I was 17, and obviously, like yourself, wasn't in a fit state of mind to make any sort of major life decision. My mother had built up months of arrears on her rent and huge credit card debt, so she wanted to run away. Add in that I left my ex husband after only 3 years of marriage, which as a Catholic my mother really didn't approve of...she felt I 'owed' her for all the money my father had spent on my wedding ('wasted money' was her way of putting it. Charming). My father left her for another woman he'd been having an affair with for 6 months, less than a week after my wedding, while I was on honeymoon. To this day, I get the blame for that, too... I made him 'feel old' by marrying...he had just turned 42.

I got the money on the Wednesday, the following Wednesday we were flying back. She had me in the travel agents booking the tickets the morning after I got the money (back in the early 90s, no internet back then). She even got me to pay to have her furniture (all repo antique rubbish) shipped back!

All the money was gone within 2 weeks. I had a massive nervous breakdown less than 6 months later and tried to end my life...I realised I'd made a huge mistake less than 48 hours after arriving back. My brother moved back to the UK within a year, I followed him back 2 months later...I arrived back in the UK with less than £50 to my name and was homeless for a month.

30 odd years on, it's one of the things I will NEVER forgive my mother for. She took advantage of me at one of the worst times of my life. She knew I was ill, but she put herself first...like she had all my life. I'm now very low contact with her, I ring once a month on average and haven't actually seen her in 15 years now. Going low or no contact/physical distance is all I can recommend. I'm sorry you've been through this too.

I'd be tempted to ask if you can have it back to pay towards your current home. From you have said I'm wondering if they are quite traditional with an old fashioned view of marriage which they won't change now. That is something you'll just have to accept and agree to disagree on. I'd still ask as you've got nothing to lose. It's obviously bugging you. Seems unsupportive of them especially when you were so vulnerable.

Fabulous, articulate post by @DazedorBemused .

Creating that emotional distance really does help. It's not only unkind of them but absolutely bizarre. Everyone needs a roof over their head, and as a single person you needed that £20k much more than you did as one of a couple.

It also sounds like you got shafted in the divorce. After 10 years of jointly owning the house and paying the mortgage, unless there was a huge debt problem you should have walked away with a lot more than the original £20k. You've done amazingly to move away and rebuild.

It's like they were punishing you for getting divorced. Whatever the reason though it was an awful thing to do, especially as your siblings have also been gifted the same money without having to give it back.
I would have to bring it up with them and tell them how shitty it made you feel.

I had an AIBU thread running about handling my emotions and relationship with my parents relating to their possessions and the timeline.

In amongst the past was awful, let me tell you about interest rates or the war were some really good, perceptive posts.

My parents also loved the whole repetition of their lives. Get engaged like this, married like that, but a house, 24 months any sign of kids?

When DH & I stepped anywhere out of that it was seen as a.critism of them. Looking back it was very hurtful and sucked up a lot of my emotional energy. There was nothing wrong with our engagement (casual with tiny ring) or their's (Planned at a 'meaningful' spot). But every single marker was picked over or face pulled.

The liberating thing is, it never got better but the hold became less. After a couple of very weird things, like the 20k, I could no longer keep up the emotional pretence and eventually it was.like clocking in with a distant family friend.

I don't bitch but I don't cover for them. And their eventual deaths made me angry about the past but really quite 'meh' in the present. In contrast a friend is in pieces a year on about the death of her at times not very pleasant father. So there are a few positives.

I'd stick to moderate contact, healthy boundaries, read some threads to reassure yourself your not the only one. It's really helpful that your siblings acknowledge stuff, it was noted, your thoughts are valid

They blamed you for breaking up your marriage and punished you by taking away the gift they gave you. I know many people with this awful mindset unfortunately. Your siblings, i presume, haven't disappointed them by breaking up their relationships. People with this thinking won't change their views no matter how much, or who talks to them about it. They think they are right. They think that they have a right to be in control of how you live your life because you are their offspring and they own you. It's devastating for you on the receiving end because it makes no sense to you. make sure you don't do anything that will cause them to cut you out of their will, because it wont make you feel any better. if you trust your siblings, talk to them about it, they hopefully will give you back the money once your parents pass. Just look to your future life in your new relationship and be proud and enjoy that, knowing that you've done it on your own.

Sorry to hear this, it’s a shitty thing to do to you, You are totally in the right.

I’m sorry they did that - what’s your relationship like with them now ?

Also why did you only accept £20k in your divorce.

You gave it back when they asked. I’m appalled they asked, but as in the other thread, I’d have said no, it was a gift, properly signed over. Did they give a reason for wanting it back?

I couldn't do this to my two. You needed the money more when you were on your own not less. I've always thought that my job is to shield or help my two because life is tough enough. My DF was the same. You don't ask for a gift back. And they didn't ask your siblings. And particularly when you couldn't think straight. They took advantage.

When your DPs need support the siblings who were allowed to keep the gifts can get on with it.

When you got divorced and had to sell your flat, what did they expect you to do? Were they worried that, from their point of view, you would “fritter” the money? They had no right to ask for,the return of the gift; now you are settled with a new partner, this seemingly being importantly to them, do you think they would give it back to you? I’d ask - the worst they can say is “no”.

I have spoken to siblings about it though and they agree it was unfair (they were all gifted the same money and have never been asked for it back).

Wow. I was on your side anyway, but this must really sting.

Have they explained their reasoning?

I do think it was mean and I think I'd just be pleased you got it back out of the property again. I wouldn't ask for it back. I wouldn't give another deposit for a new relationship though.

It was 15 years ago, unless you’re going to tell your parents how you feel build a bridge and get over it.

Why will you look after them?

When they ask you for social care help just tell them to use the £20k they stole from you to pay for their own social care.

Yeah I'd feel hurt too. That was really unkind

Maybe they’ll leave proportionate amounts in their will when they pass on? Or if your siblings are they enraged they might gift it back when you all inherit?

I think I would proceed with caution over asking why you were expected to give the gift back. Are they likely to cut you out of their will if they do for example?

They have been terribly tight but, as your sibs are sympathetic, once you all inherit, they might make sure the 20 is restored to you first before the divvi up.

Don't do anything that might make your parents cut you out. They are already making weird decisions regarding your financial situation. You might be wise to just leave all well alone.

This is awful and I’m sorry for you op. I think I would need to ask them about it. It doesn’t have to be confrontational or angry, but you could question their reasons and if they knew how much you needed the money at the time. Even though they are old, they should know that you think about this and that it has changed the way you see them.

People do the strangest of things don’t they.

I always say, what we do for one child, we do of equal value for the others.

who do you suspect drove the decision to ask you for it back? Is one the financial controller and the other passive?

In my wife’s family, the help has been very uneven. One sibling went to private school, has been gifted a car, supported through uni, where another was made to pay back a small car loan and never helped financially even through maternity leaves, when the others were still living at home for free.

It caused resentment, especially when they were telling the wider family that “we don’t support “X” financially because we help (once a week at the time) with childcare.

They were actually justifying their unfair treatment to themselves by placing a cash value on having their only grandson for one day a week when they were both retired.

These are the kinds of people who have two homes, two cars, have inherited large sums early in life. And the wife never had to work. Large final salary pension, etc.

In my mind, some the worst people I know.

This ...100%!
I'd be really hurt too! I can't understand their logic considering they are your parents.

There must've been more to this!
Is it possible your ex had something to do with how they reacted? A gift is a gift in my eyes, to have to return it is unforgivable, unless it was an absolute necessity. Glad you're settled again now 💐

Bloody hell, there are some rubbish parents about. So sorry OP.

In your case I wouldn't bother confronting them now, they'll probably disinherit you if you do.

It sounds like you are being punished for ending a relationship. Utterly unfair and unkind. I'm sorry you've been treated so badly by your parents, they are totally in the wrong.