For not wanting anyone at my sons birthday

Did your DH not contribute during your pregnancy? How did you do it all alone?

Our rule is we are spending our children's birthdays as a small family unit until they are old enough to ask for a party. We've gone away, we've done local days out, made a massive fuss, but had absolutely no visitors. We don't make a big deal out of "not inviting our family" or warn them in advance about it, if they ask you come over we just say "sorry we are away Saturday, come over Friday or Sunday if you like" and leave it at that.

Side note, I do agree with others that if I was invited to a party at a restaurant I would expect food. Our family party invites usually clearly state what is happening with food, so either tea and cake, finger food or dinner is clearly put in the text message sent out to invite people!

I'm not sure this is a genuine post as I don't think one person can be so obtuse. If you invite someone to a party held at a restaurant they will likely think you are putting on food unless you explicitly say otherwise. As a host if you aren't feeding guests you should have made that abundantly clear. If your communication in this post is anything to go by I'm not surprised wires were crossed

You can celebrate your sons birthday however you wish to but you need to communicate! A simple, 'we aren't having a party this year' will suffice.

So answer me this: when you’re friends or family invite you to their birthday at a restaurant (it was also a soft play for the kids) youd expect them to pay for your meal too? I don’t understand that concept

That’s where it’s fallen down. With your lack of understanding. If you sent out an invite for a party, and it was for a restaurant with soft play etc, it would be expected that you had organised catering there. This is fairly standard stuff. If it deviates from this and people are expected to pay for their own food at your party then you MUST specify that on the invite, and people will decide whether to go on that basis.

They knew they could get food and declined it saying they didn’t like anything on the menu

Again, the expectation would have been that it was catered. On arriving and finding out it was not, people did not want to buy their own food there, it would not have been their choice had they have known. The ‘don’t like anything on the menu’ line is polite speak for ‘what the fuck’.

A lot of people left from there but close relatives specifically asked to come back to ours to deliver presents and spend the rest of the day with dd. Which is when they collectively started complaining about food later in the evening and being the people we are we decided to pay for it. After this kind gesture (because they should’ve gotten food at the restaurant and I’ll die on that hill) they still decided to spend their own money on McDonald’s just to waste our money

Again, all of your own making. Back to yours, whip the cake out immediately, and thank all for coming and farewell everyone. That’s what you needed to do if you had not provided catering. Instead it devolved into a shitshow.

I know you said it's a hill you'd die on regarding catering but I agree with others...

If someone was hosting a birthday at a restaurant I would expect some sort of food and drink to be provided and I wouldn't expect to have to pay for a meal myself-the host is the one who has chosen a restaurant for a 1 year olds party

And again, completely normal to assume the cake is at home if it's not brought out at restaurant and I'd assume there were some food or something there

Sounds like this went on for a few hours without providing any food or drink?

So I sort of agree with others that the upset was down to miscommunication on your part

But that being said you don't have to host anything-just have a family day out with your DH and kids (but maybe remind him it's for your kids birthday if he doesn't know the date!)

If invited it's common around our family and friends to pay for the guests, yes.
If not paying for a meal inform guests up front and people can decide if they want to go or not.
Not that complicated.

I don't understand the set up for that celebration which went wrong. It's doesn't seemed to be planned that well.

Normally you are offered birthday cake, tea/coffee/ juice or a meal at the birthday child's home.

It is not the norm for us and our circle of friends to expect guests to pay for food at a restaurant, to order random take away or go for a trip to McD.
I would have been super confused as a guest too.

You do you - but next time inform the guest what you expect of them..

Don't have a party then. It's not a hard decision.

I completely agree with @Fraaances
if they complain, they only have themselves to blame!

You really don't have to have a big extended family party for a 1year old. If your DH can't manage to tell them no then change the set up. Say 'we are having a day out with the kids and tea at home on his birthday, love to see you for a cuppa at the weekend though if you want to drop his presents in'.
Take the kids out somewhere you will all enjoy for a few hours, have tea and cake and presents at home when you get back.

Or possibly if you really don't think you can avoid your DH family then tell the the party is on x day (closest weekend day) and do your own thing on his actual birthday and keep planning and expectations to the minimum for the family day. As it won't be his real birthday it probably won't bother you as much if it all goes a bit to shit again

So your H is a twat too?

This puts a whole new light on it. You invited them to the restaurant for your DD’s birthday but expected them to pay for themselves. I don’t think they were expecting that! As at any party, you would expect the host to feed you. If you didn’t supply any food I’m afraid you’re in the wrong. I can see why they wanted feeding when going back to yours.

My in-laws ruined my son’s first birthday by turning up with a dog. I had cats and had soft play in the living room which was at the front of the house. They had to have someone stand in the back garden with their dog so they could come in, added to that my cats went missing as couldn't come home because of the dog in the garden. We had a similar incident at son’s second birthday where one had to stand outside with the dog (it was raining) while we ate and sang happy birthday, they then swapped and we had to do it all again. There is a lot more to there behaviour too but I have refused to have them again. He is now 4. Do what is right by you. Don’t regret trying to fit in with other people who will spoil it for you.

A one year old isn't going to care or even remember their first birthday, it'll just be photo mementos of the day. I can't understand why you had a party at a restaurant and then everyone back to your house. Most parties would just be at the one venue and then everyone leaves to go home at the end. If you can afford to how about just going away somewhere child friendly for a night/weekend and just tell everyone you aren't doing a party 🤷‍♀️

I agree with this, except the bit where you say 'they sound entitled'.

I have to say it is normal social etiquette when you are hosting people, to provide they with food. I wouldn't say people expecting that, were entitled.

I mean, it is fine to say "Drop in for tea and cake anytime between 2 and 4pm" when food wouldn't be expected, but come on - you invited people to a restaurant to celebrate your child's birthday and then didn't provide any food ?

This. Absolutely.

You invited people to celebrate your dc's birthday at a restaurant then back to yours afterwards, but didn't actually provide them with any food. I'm not surprised they were hungry and confused. What were you thinking ?

We have 5 children and it was only ever my first that I bothered having family come to parties, meals etc for his birthday. After that we realised it wasn’t for us and stuck to trips for birthdays. My second went to cbeebies hotel for his 1st birthday and we have done similar with subsequent children.

Invite them for cake around 15 h. That way they will have eaten. Get loads of biscuits and cake as well. Then tell people you are planning to skip supper so they don't stay on. If they want to go to McDonald's instead it's on them.

I would just tell everyone you are going out for the day ( but not where), and go out as a family of 4.
With 2 toddlers places like local farms etc would be great fun. Depending on where you live, and the weather a day at the beach.

Get some birthday cakes from the supermarket to share with family- they can't then say they have been ignored.

Of course you can do whatever you want for your child's first birthday, and if that's being together just as a family unit, that's fine.

I mean this kindly but I think you could have been better organised and more assertive when it came to last year's "party". They all said they wanted to see your child and give gifts - which sounds as if they were angling for a party? But instead of just inviting them to your house for presents and birthday cake, you decided to meet up at a restaurant with soft play - why? If you invite people to a restaurant but don't want to pay for any food, you need to make that clear in advance. What time did you all meet there? If it was over a mealtime that's kind of awkward. And inviting people back to your house with no intention of offering them food is a bit weird as well. You didn't have to order expensive takeaway. But in general hosting does involve providing some kind of food/snacks OR scheduling it between mealtimes and making it clear it will be tea and cake only. They were rude to go and get McDonald's after you'd ordered takeaway for everyone, but maybe they were just exasperated by the disorganisation by that point.

They do sound entitled and it sounds as if you and your partner just passively go along with it so I think the onus now lies on you to be assertive about boundaries.

Anyway, hope you enjoy your little one's birthday just the 4 of you!

We always did a day out on birthdays just us and the children. We invited people round to the house for 2-3 hours the weekend after and provided a buffet of sandwiches/sausage rolls etc and cake.
My sons 1st birthday everyone had tried to tell us what to do because they were on holiday for his actual birthday so we MUST have a party on a certain date. I said no, we did it on a day that suited us. Even now we have gatherings on a different day to their actual birthday, mainly because I don't want to share it!

Get in the car, go out for the day. Don’t disclose where. “We’re having a family day out on his actual birthday. But we can see you on X to celebrate”.

I just laid out some party food and baked a cake for my DD’s first birthday last week and invited immediate family if they wanted to come. It was lovely! I think it’s easy to get roped into thinking you need to have a big bash but it’s never for the babies at that age because they have no clue what’s going on!