To wish more formal mourning rituals were still observed in society?

I don't agree with you OP. DH died unexpectedly last June, although he had a long term illness. We had a lot of support and contact from friends and family, I didn't want it from strangers too. It was nice, for instance, to go to the hairdresser's and not have to talk about his death or anything to do with it as they had no idea. Not being religious, we were able to do things totally individually and exactly how we wanted it. Having been to numerous Catholic (I'm half Irish too) and Jewish funerals, I really dislike them. They are so off the shelf and formulaic I feel they are very cold and impersonal. I know the Jews and catholics think they've got a great understanding and acceptance of death but I don't think it's true, they just have easy set rules to follow. I don't understand why you would want some form of "badge of grief" but not be willing to tell people and then not like their behaviour.

I think OP what you're getting at it's about making something that is invisible to others, visible in someway when you're feeling fragile / need more understanding than normal. I think the same is probably true if you have, for example, a chronic illness or disability which has no outward signs. I have a mostly invisible disability but occassionally it's visible to others and my life (in some ways) is made easier as people automatically make adjustments. That said, I think everyone grieving is different and wouldn't want to go back to requirements to wear black because I think people who then don't want a constant visible reminder will struggle. I do think, as a society, we need to be more open about death though. And think a month between death and the funeral is a long time and makes it harder to start processing things. Although logistically I understand why there is often a wait.

I think we should bring back keening. As I do a lot of it anyway.

I think 'formal rituals' are unhelpful because we all grieve in different ways. Some people take longer than others and sometimes people can feel ok and it hits them later. I also think many people are uncomfortable with dealing with the bereavement other people are expressing and we need to get better at talking about that as a society.

I feel trying to show empathy for a spouse dying by likening it to losing a grandparent is a bit crass. If we all reached for the funeral clobber every time a family member died, we would get nothing done.

Lots of religions/cultures around the UK still have specific rituals/practices during mourning. I teach and generally speaking the Muslim children take 3 days off after the death of a close loved one. Travellers can take weeks off as they often take the body back to Ireland to be buried with family, and there are certain things they don't do for a certain period of time afterwards too. I find the traditional British attitude is 'back to normal ASAP' but other cultures take a specific time to try to process the grief and don't feel the need to resume normality within a few days.
I often find with other cultures that there isn't a hierarchy of grief, in the sense that losing a cousin/grandparent isn't less than losing a parent or sibling. I remember a thread on here where someone had lost her husband, and a colleague said she could empathize as she had lost her beloved grandmother recently. The poster said she wanted to punch her, because losing a grandparent is nothing like losing a spouse, which I was quite taken aback by.

I really don't get the whole happy celebration of life theme that is increasingly popular at funerals.

When I shuffle off I want really really sad depressing mournful music at my funeral, everyone dressed in black and if everyone isn't blubbering their eyes out at the end then it's been a bit of a crap funeral really 😀

So people should just know because you're wearing black and booked a week off? People wear black all the time it's never been an only for funerals colour ...unless you wear a veil.
Why wouldn't you just say I'm on leave for a bereavement?

Me too, quick humanist service at the crem, through the curtain and my friends and family off down the pub to get pissed.

I could not think of anything I want less. Box and burn for me.

This stood out to me. I’ve always been fascinated by funeral rites and I’ve read extensively about how they take place in different cultures and across time periods (the Victorians were ace at it!). But when it came my turn to deal with a close death, I didn’t want any of it. I’m deeply private, and I hate public displays. I was constantly told how I should be feeling by other people, and I really didn’t feel the way they did.

I think rites and rituals have a place. Possibly are even helpful for the majority of people. But there are certainly those of us who are repelled by the idea of prescriptive bereavement. I wonder if it’s related to the complexity of the relationship with the person who has died.

I don't read any like that. Having a week off for bereavement is fair unless we are talking about a child. Most adults know that the normal running order of things is that we bury our parents.

We will have to agree to disagree then. Posters have, in my opinion, been really hostile to OP and accused her of a kind if hypocrisy (a special horror gotcha on mumsnet)?for both being private and seeming to want some social special treatment for her mourning. They have also implied she got special treatment/undeserved/costly treatment by being allowed to take compassionate leave. IIRC there was a flurry of race to the bottom attacks on OP for having wistful expectations of humane or compassionate treatment by coworkers or her organization.

I have often thought wearing mourning bands was not a bad idea. Perhaps only in a wish to way than a have to like they uses to. However I certainly had days after loved ones had died where I was more fragile.

Agreed.

Why are people so very hostile to OP even asking the question?

I don't think people are being hostile. People putting forward their own opinions, on a discussion thread, is not 'being hostile'.

Why are people so very hostile to OP even asking the question? I think its a good one to ask. she isn’t wrong to point to the ways the very privacy that we enjoy in modern society means a loss of shared grief or a community response to individual loss.

The UK is, generally speaking, quite hostile to displays or reminders of loss and grief. That’s why the hysterical outpourings of gifts and glurge and sentiment at Princess Di’s death was so shocking. And now so disavowed.

I think a discreet arm band or sign of mourning would be useful. Helpful in that it would allow some ceremony of recognition of loss and grief for a set period.

No Man Is An Island

No man is an island`
No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main.

If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of they friends`s or of thine own were.

Any man`s death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind. And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.

John Donne (1572 - 1631)

It’s going to vary per person. For you, it sounds like you just bury it, so you have to process it later. For me, enforced mourning sounds horrific.

Kindly, the issue here appears to be that you’re trying to cope with this as I would - hiding it, not being open about it, but also want people to know and empathise with you. And that’s fine, but you do have to tell them, in that case. Most people will care, and they may well surprise you.

Even when more formal displays of mourning existed years back, Workplaces wouldn't generally give you much time off even then.

Important point. The more strongly embedded mourning rituals are, the more likely it is that people will be policed into observing them. We all know who's going to be most likely to experience any downsides for not doing it 'properly'.

Everyone has their own ways of dealing with grief. Some people don't want to tell others that someone close them has died, because they don't want the floods of sympathy, or "you'll get over it". It is a shame that we as a society struggle to talk about death. A close relative of mine specified for her partner's funeral "no dark suits - wear colours, please". She also said that something she saw happen to other people who lost their partners is that their friends avoided them, because they weren't sure how to behave around them. Fortunately, this did not happen to my relative.

Prisoners are usually allowed to attend funerals of their loved ones (with supervision), so we haven't completely lost sight of the importance of mourning. It was especially cruel that people could not have proper funerals in 2020.

You could wear a black armband.

Required rituals could be quite constraining I imagine.

An issue now is toxic positivity. People don't wait to see how the other person is before projecting (often fake) cheerfulness onto them.

What we need is more honesty, understanding and acceptance all round.

Sorry for your loss

My friend shaved his head when his husband died. He said he wanted an outward sign of his inner pain. I think it's a common feeling.

So work places can afford people to have as much time as they want off anytime they feel like it, paid or not?

people want time off for funerals, exams, their child is sick or has something on at school, they need mental health days, doctors appointments where can the line be drawn that is acceptable?

You're clearly bowled over by your bereavement. I'm sorry

I think perhaps you've settled on this idea of symbolic grief as though it could take away some of the burden you're feeling. It wouldn't, I'm afraid. You just have to let it take its time.

Please don't feel you must 'spare' other people. They'll spare themselves if they need to! When my father died, I took a week's leave and everyone was really lovely when I went back to work. Even my clients were, actually: one in particular gave some valuable advice.

Death is a part of all lives. You don't need to hide that it's recently become part of yours.