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AIBU?

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To not want to stroke his back every night

209 replies

Achyarms · 11/02/2025 21:25

Any time I watch tv (after putting two very small children to bed) my husband comes in and perches on the sofa and indicates I need to scratch/ stroke/ tickle his back. If I have energy I will do it for a while. If I ever say no I’m tired he’s gets grumpy/ angry.
if I say yes, then whenever I stop because my arm is tired (say about 10-15 minutes) he immediately gets angry and demands I keep going. He won’t stop asking. Sometimes I have to leave the room and go to bed to get away from him saying keep going over and over again.
i don’t think I’m being unreasonable but maybe I’m not being very loving? I don’t know what other people would do?
makes me want to not give any back tickles it never ends well he’s always pissed off. I’m tired I just want to watch tv and relax.

no he doesn’t give tickles or massages in return and the one time I asked he gave such a shite attempt

OP posts:
AutumnalPuffin · 11/02/2025 21:55

My husband is EXACTLY the same. Will come and sit in front of me with his top off or even worse attempt to lie over my legs to get in a better position. It’s relentless and very, very dull.

Mozzarellaballs · 11/02/2025 21:55

Let me guess did his mum do it for him growing up? My ex used to be the same, he didn't get angry though but sometimes I would fall asleep doing it and he would get annoyed that we didn't have enough sex which made me not want it even more from the pressure but I adnit I dis go off it after kids. Come to think of it I now have to sometimes massage my son, it's me, I'm the mum too 🙈

Nothatgingerpirate · 11/02/2025 21:53

How comical.
Not.

FoxtonFoxton · 11/02/2025 21:52

BookASpaceCadets · 11/02/2025 21:29

He sounds like cat 😹

He sounds like a dick

NeverDropYourMooncup · 11/02/2025 21:50

Buy a really, really heavy weighed blanket.

Up to you whether it's intended to provide sensory stimulation on his back or not to weight something really annoying down.

Twaddlepip · 11/02/2025 21:46

If I ever say no I’m tired he’s gets grumpy/ angry.
if I say yes, then whenever I stop because my arm is tired (say about 10-15 minutes) he immediately gets angry and demands I keep going. He won’t stop asking.

I’d go so far as to say this is abusive. Is he demanding/controlling with aggression/abusive in other ways?

3rdtimeidiot · 11/02/2025 21:46

Achyarms · 11/02/2025 21:39

He says he needs it for regulation (feels very tense due to adhd. I think he also has some autistic traits).

He also says he doesn’t get enough sex so I should be doing this whenever he wants.

Probably yes a bit annoyed at how much of my focus and energy goes on the kids

Pahahahaa! Sorry but you don't owe him relentless back tickles because you don't have enough sex.

mcmooberry · 11/02/2025 21:45

OMG sounds like my ADHD child when I am reading her bedtime story and I find that annoying enough, what you describe would be intolerable!

parietal · 11/02/2025 21:45

he can ask but he needs to respect if if you say no. he can't demand that you do something. so he can't demand sex and he can't demand back-tickles.

have you explained this to him?

ShineBrighterxx · 11/02/2025 21:44

So needy ! That’s not cool at all. Tell him to get over it !

BatchCookBabe · 11/02/2025 21:44

Ewwww, what a controlling manipulative abusive prick. I would be getting my ducks in a row if I were you @Achyarms Tell him to go to a prostitute if he wants a woman to do shit that turns him on, all the time, like a robot. Weirdo!!! 😆

uniformdirect · 11/02/2025 21:44

This sounds incredibly unattractive and childlike. I think him blaming his adhd would be an even bigger turn off.

coolkatt · 11/02/2025 21:43

Honestly this would totally piss me off, ten
Mins more
Than
Enough and honestly I'm being generous. Does he ever repay the gesture? Really does sound icky.
Tell him he gets ten mins a couple times a week and that is IT!!
And if he gets angry I say u have way more problems than a back rub.

LavenderHaze19 · 11/02/2025 21:41

I had a boyfriend years ago who used to ask me to ‘tickle his back’ and it absolutely gave me the ick. YANBU.

Irridescantshimmmer · 11/02/2025 21:41

He's selfish........you deserve better than this.

JC03745 · 11/02/2025 21:40

As soon as he asks, thrust your feet in his direction and demand a foot massage!

Buy him a back scratcher/rake or of those large bristled cow scratcher that rub themselves against!

To not want to stroke his back every night
To not want to stroke his back every night
SweetMagnolia423 · 11/02/2025 21:39

I don’t understand him getting grumpy/angry when you don’t want to rub his back. What are you, a scratching post??
As another poster mentioned, it could be related to ASD, but the angry bit I just don’t get and NO you don’t have to do it.
I’d actually refuse completely because of his attitude.

Achyarms · 11/02/2025 21:39

Chamomileteaplease · 11/02/2025 21:30

I was going to say what Tuesday said, is he jealous of the attention you give the children?

Honestly if I had just put two small kids to bed and someone asked me to do this for ten seconds let alone 15 minutes 😱I would want to scream.

What is he like the rest of the time??
What reason does he give for wanting this?
How can he have the nerve to then refuse to do it to you???

He says he needs it for regulation (feels very tense due to adhd. I think he also has some autistic traits).

He also says he doesn’t get enough sex so I should be doing this whenever he wants.

Probably yes a bit annoyed at how much of my focus and energy goes on the kids

OP posts:
Loomy · 11/02/2025 21:31

Yuk!

Jesusisking23 · 11/02/2025 21:31

Runningoutofthyme · 11/02/2025 21:26

This would give me the ick 🥴

it’s a ltb vote from me

Ditto

Chamomileteaplease · 11/02/2025 21:30

I was going to say what Tuesday said, is he jealous of the attention you give the children?

Honestly if I had just put two small kids to bed and someone asked me to do this for ten seconds let alone 15 minutes 😱I would want to scream.

What is he like the rest of the time??
What reason does he give for wanting this?
How can he have the nerve to then refuse to do it to you???

littleblackcat247 · 11/02/2025 21:29

I thought this post was going to be about a one year old who liked having back rubbed to go to sleep!

Not a grownup. YANBU

PullTheBricksDown · 11/02/2025 21:29

Tell him you'll do it on nights when he's put both children to bed.

Jennifershuffles · 11/02/2025 21:29

I think you need one of those massage cushion things for him.

BookASpaceCadets · 11/02/2025 21:29

HappyMamma2023 · 11/02/2025 21:26

He sounds like a child.

He sounds like cat 😹

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