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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to stroke his back every night

209 replies

Achyarms · 11/02/2025 21:25

Any time I watch tv (after putting two very small children to bed) my husband comes in and perches on the sofa and indicates I need to scratch/ stroke/ tickle his back. If I have energy I will do it for a while. If I ever say no I’m tired he’s gets grumpy/ angry.
if I say yes, then whenever I stop because my arm is tired (say about 10-15 minutes) he immediately gets angry and demands I keep going. He won’t stop asking. Sometimes I have to leave the room and go to bed to get away from him saying keep going over and over again.
i don’t think I’m being unreasonable but maybe I’m not being very loving? I don’t know what other people would do?
makes me want to not give any back tickles it never ends well he’s always pissed off. I’m tired I just want to watch tv and relax.

no he doesn’t give tickles or massages in return and the one time I asked he gave such a shite attempt

OP posts:
DorothyStorm · 11/02/2025 22:12

Achyarms · 11/02/2025 21:39

He says he needs it for regulation (feels very tense due to adhd. I think he also has some autistic traits).

He also says he doesn’t get enough sex so I should be doing this whenever he wants.

Probably yes a bit annoyed at how much of my focus and energy goes on the kids

Show quote history

Fucking hell he sounds absolutely awful. How much parenting is he doing? Are you sharing bedtimes equally? Tell him mo. No explanation. If he is abusive because you say no, look at ways to leave him.

Sleepdeprivedandsquishy · 11/02/2025 22:11

If he needs it for regulation then he should be able to understand the concept that you are also over stimulated and need some body autonomy where you aren't consistently giving all your energy to other people. So there needs to be compromise, he takes putting the kids to bed off your hands so you get to decompress for a bit, if you then feel able you help him regulate but for a set amount of time and then let's you be so both adults are happy......this was going to be my response until I read the comment about how he deserves this because he doesn't get enough sex, is that like a stock argument for men? tell his entitled ass to piss off 🤣

Goinggold · 11/02/2025 22:10

How revolting! Ugh.

crankytoes · 11/02/2025 22:09

Just state very loudly I AM TIRED. MY ARM IS TIRED. DO NOT DEMAND I DI SOMETHING WHEN I AM TIRED

Petitchat · 11/02/2025 22:09

I voted YABU.
That's because you're being ridiculously unreasonable for doing it.

You asked what other people would do?
In my case, I'd tell him to piss off!

And we've been married 33 years !!

Titasaducksarse · 11/02/2025 22:09

Fuck that

lucya66 · 11/02/2025 22:08

Eugh sounds gross To demand it like that. I’m a woman and I love my back being scratched by dh. He does it rarely tho. And I don’t ask for it. But I do love it when he does it. It’s so relaxing!!

Nogoodusername · 11/02/2025 22:06

My ASD son needs this to regulate. He doesn’t complain when my hand gets tired and I stop! An adult man - ASD/ADHD or NT - needs to get a back massager device and do it himself. I couldn’t be arsed with that, let alone a grump if my hand hurt and I needed to stop

Shouldbeworkingnotreadingtalk · 11/02/2025 22:05

SoloSofa24 · 11/02/2025 21:27

Are you married to a cat?

Spat my tea (wine) out. V v funny.

Simbaonedaythiswillallbeyours · 11/02/2025 22:05

Why would you ever want to have sex with him? He sounds about two years old.

Neurodiversity is a red herring. No means no. He can demand all he likes.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 11/02/2025 22:05

Achyarms · 11/02/2025 21:39

He says he needs it for regulation (feels very tense due to adhd. I think he also has some autistic traits).

He also says he doesn’t get enough sex so I should be doing this whenever he wants.

Probably yes a bit annoyed at how much of my focus and energy goes on the kids

Show quote history

Ick. You're not his personal toy.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 11/02/2025 22:04

WTH??? That's so disturbing, does he identify as a dog that needs to be petted? 😂

He does not get to be angry or throw an strop if you don't want to do it, what an idiot.

Shufflebumnessie · 11/02/2025 22:04

Ugh. I wouldn't want to physically touch someone who behaved like that.
If he needs his back scratched to regulate himself then he needs to get a long handle back scratcher and do it himself.
Absolutely pathetic behaviour from an adult male.
Show him these replies and see what he says!

YouDeserveBetterSoAskForIt · 11/02/2025 22:03

Funykeudfh · 11/02/2025 21:26

Great reverse on what women often do to men 🤣 just do it for a bit if you want to then say I'm done - moan all you want but that's it for tonight mate. The end.

Huh?

I don't know a single woman who asks for back tickles or massages every night. That is something out of an early 2000s sitcom.

Are you okay?

NiceoneSonny · 11/02/2025 22:02

I would have nether regions drier than the Sahara if I was married to this giant cat man baby. Ick dialed up to 11.

3luckystars · 11/02/2025 22:02

Have you posted about this before ?

There can’t be two of them.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 11/02/2025 22:02

Didn't you realise you had a pet dog.

ick !

TomatoSandwiches · 11/02/2025 22:01

Get him a backscratcher and a fleshlight and tell him to fuck off, what a selfish, entitled bully.

Spudalot · 11/02/2025 22:01

You need to say no every single time now so he eventually gets the message and stops asking you. You can tell him you are no longer doing it as it’s not worth the hassle and bad mood he gets in when you stop. He’s an adult, not a baby. Even my 2 year old understands when I have had enough tickling her back and doesn’t get in a strop with me.

SociopathicGorilla · 11/02/2025 22:00

Give an inch take a mile. The only way to stop it is to take it off the table altogether.

Stop doing it. He’s abusing something that should be nice and he’s abusing you as well. Don’t discuss, tell. Inform him you’re done with it and you wont be doing it ever again. End of discussion.

He will sulk. But he sulks every night anyway. You can’t be happy living with someone like this.

ThisUsernameIsNowTaken · 11/02/2025 21:59

SoloSofa24 · 11/02/2025 21:27

Are you married to a cat?

🤣🤣🤣

LBFseBrom · 11/02/2025 21:59

Buy him a long soft brush and he can stroke his own back.

Engleberthumper · 11/02/2025 21:57

Have you married a cat?

discdiscsnap · 11/02/2025 21:57

Get him to give you hand or foot massages and get annoyed when he's had enough

FoxtonFoxton · 11/02/2025 21:57

AutumnalPuffin · 11/02/2025 21:55

My husband is EXACTLY the same. Will come and sit in front of me with his top off or even worse attempt to lie over my legs to get in a better position. It’s relentless and very, very dull.

🤮 how do you put up with it?!

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