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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to stroke his back every night

209 replies

Achyarms · 11/02/2025 21:25

Any time I watch tv (after putting two very small children to bed) my husband comes in and perches on the sofa and indicates I need to scratch/ stroke/ tickle his back. If I have energy I will do it for a while. If I ever say no I’m tired he’s gets grumpy/ angry.
if I say yes, then whenever I stop because my arm is tired (say about 10-15 minutes) he immediately gets angry and demands I keep going. He won’t stop asking. Sometimes I have to leave the room and go to bed to get away from him saying keep going over and over again.
i don’t think I’m being unreasonable but maybe I’m not being very loving? I don’t know what other people would do?
makes me want to not give any back tickles it never ends well he’s always pissed off. I’m tired I just want to watch tv and relax.

no he doesn’t give tickles or massages in return and the one time I asked he gave such a shite attempt

OP posts:
MaggieBsBoat · 12/02/2025 05:06

My ex used to do this, and he was abusive (full on physical and mental abuse) so I view this kind of thing as a controlling abusive thing. It’s horrible. YANBU.

mathanxiety · 12/02/2025 04:48

SociopathicGorilla · 11/02/2025 22:00

Give an inch take a mile. The only way to stop it is to take it off the table altogether.

Stop doing it. He’s abusing something that should be nice and he’s abusing you as well. Don’t discuss, tell. Inform him you’re done with it and you wont be doing it ever again. End of discussion.

He will sulk. But he sulks every night anyway. You can’t be happy living with someone like this.

Yes to this.

"Just say no".

Are you happy overall? Or just about putting up with a pretty unsatisfactory relationship because you're really busy?

mathanxiety · 12/02/2025 04:45

Achyarms · 11/02/2025 21:39

He says he needs it for regulation (feels very tense due to adhd. I think he also has some autistic traits).

He also says he doesn’t get enough sex so I should be doing this whenever he wants.

Probably yes a bit annoyed at how much of my focus and energy goes on the kids

Show quote history

He's a pest.

Tell him he needs to figure out another way of regulating himself - that doesn't involve you becoming more and more annoyed and alienated from him.

There are gadgets he should look into.

His attitude to you, your body, your role as he perceives it in his life - all are completely off and in need of a reset.

How long have you been putting up with this?

Fraaances · 12/02/2025 04:22

Scratching post

Bear Scratching Back GIF by Storyful
Fraaances · 12/02/2025 04:09

Buy him a scratching post and tell him to leave you alone

IridiumSky · 12/02/2025 03:54

Bloke here.

Your husband’s a bloody weirdo. I’ve never heard anything like it. Is this how some men carry on?

What a turn-off. No wonder you (presumably) don’t want to shag him. 🙄

Please tell him to stop being such a dick, and that some random guy on the internet said so.😀

OpalQuartz · 12/02/2025 02:32

Tell him to get a back massager chair

enkelt2 · 12/02/2025 02:26

Achyarms · 11/02/2025 21:25

Any time I watch tv (after putting two very small children to bed) my husband comes in and perches on the sofa and indicates I need to scratch/ stroke/ tickle his back. If I have energy I will do it for a while. If I ever say no I’m tired he’s gets grumpy/ angry.
if I say yes, then whenever I stop because my arm is tired (say about 10-15 minutes) he immediately gets angry and demands I keep going. He won’t stop asking. Sometimes I have to leave the room and go to bed to get away from him saying keep going over and over again.
i don’t think I’m being unreasonable but maybe I’m not being very loving? I don’t know what other people would do?
makes me want to not give any back tickles it never ends well he’s always pissed off. I’m tired I just want to watch tv and relax.

no he doesn’t give tickles or massages in return and the one time I asked he gave such a shite attempt

Ooh, my ex was like this. I also didn't like to be asked to offer touch.

oakleaffy · 12/02/2025 02:11

BookASpaceCadets · 11/02/2025 21:29

He sounds like cat 😹

Show quote history

If he was a dog he could do this....

Dog Playing GIF by MOODMAN
GravyBoatWars · 12/02/2025 02:01

My labradors do the same. Have you tried giving your DH a kong full of peanut butter and yoghurt to keep him occupied?

ThinkingAboutMyLifeChoices · 12/02/2025 01:53

Start calling him Baloo

OKNerd · 12/02/2025 01:51

The feel of skin under my nails makes me want to vomit. I have great natural nails and my DH asks and I say no. Horrible thing to have to do to someone

MumCanIHaveASnackPlease · 12/02/2025 01:51

My vagina would clamp shut at having to do this. What an absolute ick. YABU to have put up with this every single night.

Nowthesaidmother · 12/02/2025 01:50

He also says he doesn’t get enough sex so I should be doing this whenever he wants. @Achyarms

So is this punishment? Sex substitution?
Either way he has no right to expect and demand sex or ANY physical contact from you. This is abuse.

This reason on its own is enough to not do it, let alone all the other things- you're tired, arm aching, his abuse when you stop or refuse.

I'm so sorry op, this really sounds awful for you.

ihatecaramel · 12/02/2025 01:12

I had an ex who was the same with his feet when we were on the sofa and his back when we were in bed. He was a nasty person, (not saying the asking for rubs or tickles makes them nasty) but in general. Definitely narcissistic, entitled and would gas light me. They think if they want it they should just get it, if I'd of asked him he'd of been offended or laughed at me.

spikefaithbuffy · 12/02/2025 01:08

FoxtonFoxton · 11/02/2025 22:30

Does anyone else find the sensation of this absolutely unbearable? I've never been able to stand someone gently stroking me, even saying it makes me feel weird and a bit nauseous. Even reading this thread has made me feel a bit shuddery.

Yeah the whole feathery stroking thing
Gives me white hot rage if someone does it to me. UGH
I like having my back rubbed/touched but not lightly

BeaAndBen · 12/02/2025 01:01

Did you type Husband when you meant to type Golden Retriever?

You aren't his Support Human to service his needs for soothing, regulating or, god help you, sex. If he can't understand that, divorce is sounding a very good option.

Peacecanbe · 12/02/2025 00:59

There’s a very simple solution, just say “no” and don’t do it.

SnowFrogJelly · 12/02/2025 00:57

HappyMamma2023 · 11/02/2025 21:26

He sounds like a child.

This

BaMamma · 12/02/2025 00:53

Reading the short preview title I assumed it was a child who wanted their back rubbed and was all primed to sympathize as my daughter needed this to sleep until she was 10 or 11, but your husband? Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

user1492757084 · 12/02/2025 00:52

I would not tolerate that.
Buy a metal or spikey bamboo back scratcher.
They are very good.
Encourage him to use it.

The request is fine. You scratching his back is fine if you want to do it but he should respect you saying NO, that's enough.
Any anger and I would state - No back rubs for a month, mate.

Maybe take a back massage course together and agree that you each have a night per week where you will receive a back massage, if you are feeling it at the time.
Maybe change the routine - for him to put the kids to bed more often - and for you to examine what you need to enjoy having more sex.

Agapornis · 12/02/2025 00:46

SoloSofa24 · 11/02/2025 21:27

Are you married to a cat?

My cat is currently insisting I rub his belly until he's properly asleep. 'DH' being a DCat is the only reasonable answer.

EdithBond · 12/02/2025 00:44

Ask him to pour you a G&T and give you a foot massage. Payback time.

Seriously, don’t do anything you don’t want to do out of habit, expectation or coercion. Especially not sex.

But if you no longer feel like having sex with him, that needs addressing. Lots of couples don’t have sex very often, but it needs discussing, rather than letting it drift.

And why doesn’t his focus and energy go on the kids too?

Codlingmoths · 12/02/2025 00:43

Ewwwww

how about ‘No, I need some downtime for my own emotional well being, I haven’t noticed you caring about that.’

ARealitycheck · 12/02/2025 00:24

Get rid of hubby and get a dog, they are needy and demand belly rubs, but are much more lovable. 😄

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