Page 2 | To not want to stroke his back every night

Anydreamwill · 13/02/2025 10:49

@ForZanyAquaViewer ha ha me, and when I lived at home my mum. It's a definite Asd ADHD thing, it really helps with regulation. But I think the main issue with the op isn't the actual act of doing this for her partner but the demanding of it and the anger if she doesn't. That is what's unacceptable.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 13/02/2025 10:44

Achyarms · 12/02/2025 15:15

I really hate it when people swear at me so I suppose I dont don’t do it to him as it defeats the point I’m trying to make (I might have got pissed off in the past). Just trying to resolve it without making conflict

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Then don’t swear. That wasn’t the important part of what’s being advised - people are saying to refuse to do this. You don’t want to, and it’s not a reasonable expectation. So say that and stop.

If the idea of saying ‘no’ to this man frightens you to the extent that it is not a possibility (or to any extent, tbh) then you are in an abusive relationship. If this is the case, please contact Women’s Aid.

This thread is full of hilarious comebacks, but please realise that what you’re describing isn’t funny in the slightest. It is very very messed up.

pollymere · 13/02/2025 10:39

I bought my DH a deluxe back scratcher from The Range. It's hilarious how ludicrously happy he is from this gadget. It's the best gift I've ever bought him!

He just gets itchy due to dry skin although I suspect regulation as well. Him being able to reach the middle of his back has been life changing for him. I was always happy to scratch his back — he was just reluctant to ask. Your DH seems to be acting like an entitled jerk here.

I'd buy him the back scratcher and tell him you don't "expect" anything and neither should he.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 13/02/2025 10:39

Anydreamwill · 13/02/2025 10:26

Makes sense when you add in the neuro, I have to have foot rubs and it drives my husband mad, 😭 but it really helps with regulation, I don't get mad if he doesn't do it though, and neither should your husband, and I understand that it's hard for you at the end of a hard day with the kids. We make a joke out of it now and kind of make it transactional, so for instance he gets to watch football in exchange for ten mins , or I make a favourite meal etc . It works for us but I can see how it looks to anybody else😕

Who rubbed your feet when you were single?

Anydreamwill · 13/02/2025 10:26

Makes sense when you add in the neuro, I have to have foot rubs and it drives my husband mad, 😭 but it really helps with regulation, I don't get mad if he doesn't do it though, and neither should your husband, and I understand that it's hard for you at the end of a hard day with the kids. We make a joke out of it now and kind of make it transactional, so for instance he gets to watch football in exchange for ten mins , or I make a favourite meal etc . It works for us but I can see how it looks to anybody else😕

BlueFlowers5 · 13/02/2025 10:14

My cats are better behaved than that. And we operate on a consent basis.
Can't he go for an aromatherapy massage locally?

BoldAmberDuck · 13/02/2025 08:40

Surely this must be a joke post?

Pippyls67 · 13/02/2025 07:53

I’m in the same boat. It’s exhausting isn’t it. I’ve often got an aching arm of an evening. I’m getting a bit fed up tbh. They guilt trip you don’t they and even get stroppy when you won’t. Mine chews my hand.
Oh I thought you were talking about a dog! - WTF !!!

Sockmate123 · 13/02/2025 00:31

That would give me the ick on a major way...tickle my back...cringe

Devianinc · 13/02/2025 00:16

And the whole thing of constant touching and forced touching isn’t ok. If you don’t want to it then you don’t have to. Tell him you want him to lick your toes every night. What’s the difference, none.end of the subject. Forcing anyone to do anything is humiliating and shouldn’t be tolerated.

Devianinc · 13/02/2025 00:12

Achyarms · 11/02/2025 21:25

Any time I watch tv (after putting two very small children to bed) my husband comes in and perches on the sofa and indicates I need to scratch/ stroke/ tickle his back. If I have energy I will do it for a while. If I ever say no I’m tired he’s gets grumpy/ angry.
if I say yes, then whenever I stop because my arm is tired (say about 10-15 minutes) he immediately gets angry and demands I keep going. He won’t stop asking. Sometimes I have to leave the room and go to bed to get away from him saying keep going over and over again.
i don’t think I’m being unreasonable but maybe I’m not being very loving? I don’t know what other people would do?
makes me want to not give any back tickles it never ends well he’s always pissed off. I’m tired I just want to watch tv and relax.

no he doesn’t give tickles or massages in return and the one time I asked he gave such a shite attempt

That’s disgusting and he’s trying to control you. Ewwww

Perseimmion · 12/02/2025 23:03

If ever there was a thread campaigning the joy of being single, this wins hands down.

Creameded · 12/02/2025 22:59

OP, contact Women's aid because you are being bullied and abused.
He sounds awful, really awful.

Househusband123 · 12/02/2025 22:51

He sounds like my sisters old labrador.

admirible · 12/02/2025 21:21

Get him a loofah on a stick and send him off to the shower.

asrl78 · 12/02/2025 21:20

Trixiefirecracker · 12/02/2025 07:55

If you’ve spent any time of MN surely you would have realised there’s a lot of really demanding and selfish men out there. Or actually, just been present in the real world!

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I'd like to know how these kinds of men have managed to romantically attract women and persuade them to marry him.

Familysquabbles23 · 12/02/2025 21:19

Lol that's what I do when DH wants secs and I can't be bothered..

tommyhoundmum · 12/02/2025 20:42

SoloSofa24 · 11/02/2025 21:27

Are you married to a cat?

I think she's married to a dog like ours.

Shotokan101 · 12/02/2025 20:01

Order him a back scratcher for Valentine's Day?

littlesnatchabook · 12/02/2025 19:22

Next time he asks, say 'I will do it for 5 minutes and then stop. If you moan/sulk/go on about it/say anything other than thank you that was lovely, it will be the last time I ever do it. And that will be the case from now on.' Then stick to it.

Fernticket · 12/02/2025 19:15

Achyarms · 11/02/2025 21:25

Any time I watch tv (after putting two very small children to bed) my husband comes in and perches on the sofa and indicates I need to scratch/ stroke/ tickle his back. If I have energy I will do it for a while. If I ever say no I’m tired he’s gets grumpy/ angry.
if I say yes, then whenever I stop because my arm is tired (say about 10-15 minutes) he immediately gets angry and demands I keep going. He won’t stop asking. Sometimes I have to leave the room and go to bed to get away from him saying keep going over and over again.
i don’t think I’m being unreasonable but maybe I’m not being very loving? I don’t know what other people would do?
makes me want to not give any back tickles it never ends well he’s always pissed off. I’m tired I just want to watch tv and relax.

no he doesn’t give tickles or massages in return and the one time I asked he gave such a shite attempt

This makes me feel 🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

Original poster

Achyarms · 12/02/2025 19:12

Noangelbuthavingfun · 12/02/2025 18:52

I have this too... but he doesn't get angry just kind of a bit rejected. Think it's a way of wanting physical attention if not enough sex maybe or just needing closeness. Could be wrong ! Drives me bonkers
Not controlling in any other way here tho !

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So interesting to hear

OP posts:

ThisBrickOtter · 12/02/2025 18:53

My cat is less demanding and he drives me nuts at times.

It's his reaction to you setting boundaries that's the issue. Rather than the touching itself. Seriously being tired, not in the mood and also in physical discomfort are more than reasonable boundaries.

How is he with other boundaries of yours?

Noangelbuthavingfun · 12/02/2025 18:52

Achyarms · 11/02/2025 21:25

Any time I watch tv (after putting two very small children to bed) my husband comes in and perches on the sofa and indicates I need to scratch/ stroke/ tickle his back. If I have energy I will do it for a while. If I ever say no I’m tired he’s gets grumpy/ angry.
if I say yes, then whenever I stop because my arm is tired (say about 10-15 minutes) he immediately gets angry and demands I keep going. He won’t stop asking. Sometimes I have to leave the room and go to bed to get away from him saying keep going over and over again.
i don’t think I’m being unreasonable but maybe I’m not being very loving? I don’t know what other people would do?
makes me want to not give any back tickles it never ends well he’s always pissed off. I’m tired I just want to watch tv and relax.

no he doesn’t give tickles or massages in return and the one time I asked he gave such a shite attempt

I have this too... but he doesn't get angry just kind of a bit rejected. Think it's a way of wanting physical attention if not enough sex maybe or just needing closeness. Could be wrong ! Drives me bonkers
Not controlling in any other way here tho !

DollydaydreamTheThird · 12/02/2025 17:56

Achyarms · 11/02/2025 21:39

He says he needs it for regulation (feels very tense due to adhd. I think he also has some autistic traits).

He also says he doesn’t get enough sex so I should be doing this whenever he wants.

Probably yes a bit annoyed at how much of my focus and energy goes on the kids

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Maybe if he took some of the focus off you and put the kids to bed etc then you might feel like shagging and stroking him OP. Stick up for yourself and set some boundaries. Don't be a doormat.