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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to stroke his back every night

209 replies

Achyarms · 11/02/2025 21:25

Any time I watch tv (after putting two very small children to bed) my husband comes in and perches on the sofa and indicates I need to scratch/ stroke/ tickle his back. If I have energy I will do it for a while. If I ever say no I’m tired he’s gets grumpy/ angry.
if I say yes, then whenever I stop because my arm is tired (say about 10-15 minutes) he immediately gets angry and demands I keep going. He won’t stop asking. Sometimes I have to leave the room and go to bed to get away from him saying keep going over and over again.
i don’t think I’m being unreasonable but maybe I’m not being very loving? I don’t know what other people would do?
makes me want to not give any back tickles it never ends well he’s always pissed off. I’m tired I just want to watch tv and relax.

no he doesn’t give tickles or massages in return and the one time I asked he gave such a shite attempt

OP posts:
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JC03745 · 15/02/2025 14:05

@ForZanyAquaViewer Apologies, yes, wrong person quote! 😬

ForZanyAquaViewer · 15/02/2025 14:02

JC03745 · 14/02/2025 16:32

@ForZanyAquaViewer I have to have foot rubs and it drives my husband mad

Why don't you buy yourself a foot massage machine???

I think you meant to tag @Anydreamwill.

I agree with you, though.

Tittibits · 14/02/2025 20:54

I genuinely came on to say YABVU because he won’t be a baby for long so enjoy it whilst it lasts. Then I saw it was a grown man. Fuck that!

BobbyBiscuits · 14/02/2025 18:28

How bizarre. I would not be able to cope with that nonsense. He gets angry because you don't want to tickle his back for an hour, unreciprocated on a nightly basis for the rest of your life? Not a great deal really on your side.

Nanny0gg · 14/02/2025 18:23

Achyarms · 12/02/2025 15:15

I really hate it when people swear at me so I suppose I dont don’t do it to him as it defeats the point I’m trying to make (I might have got pissed off in the past). Just trying to resolve it without making conflict

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There will be conflict because it's all about him and you're not giving him what he's demanding

He's an oaf and I don't see why you're with him

Devianinc · 14/02/2025 17:46

Echobowels · 14/02/2025 17:03

Yuck. Those second two paragraphs... What an unattractive specimen.

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He needs medication, not forcible touching. He’s mommy problems. That’s little kids do when they’re around 2 or 3 and then it stops, but that all goes with getting a grownup bed, pottie training and getting rid of the pacifier. What big yucky baby. It’s making me throw up in my mouth. It’s so childish.

billycat321 · 14/02/2025 17:46

My late H wanted me to tickle/ stroke his back. Trouble was, it was very hairy. So were his chest and shoulders. It was like stroking a gorilla. I hated it.

Petitchat · 14/02/2025 17:39

Sorry Mmhmmn,
that was meant for OP, not yourself

Petitchat · 14/02/2025 17:37

Mmhmmn · 14/02/2025 17:30

I agree to the back scratcher. But think hard about packaging it together with some divorce papers, he sounds absolutely fucking awful.

Alternatively, just read him the riot act - you're not a concubine to a tyrannical medieval king ffs.

He is responsible for his neurodiverse cravings, not you - and you're certainly not responsible for his anger. Adults need to find ways of self soothing, not transfer their issues onto others.

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Kudos to you for staying.
I'm afraid I would find it so stifling and needy, I couldn't live like this no matter how much I loved him.

Sunnydiary · 14/02/2025 17:33

This genuinely made me feel sick. How can you stand it? 🤮

Mmhmmn · 14/02/2025 17:32

BookWorm7 · 14/02/2025 15:38

My ex was the same. He would demand I rubbed his back as he couldn't sleep unless I did. I don't mean just for 10mins either. If I read for an hour, he expected me to rub him the whole time. I started going to bed later and later, hoping to avoid it, but he would be waiting for me. Also said he didn't get enough sex and that I was neglecting him but I was pretty much raising the two kids on my own as well as holding down a job and doing everything in the house.

Admitted that he was resentful of the kids, controlling, coersive abuse etc. Actually told me he thought he was more important than me and the kids. I'm so glad to be on my own now. It's not nice when you finally get the kids down and have a minute to yourself to them have to use that time to sooth them like a child, constantly stroking them.

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Amazing how such men expect you to still find them as appealing as you did on day one despite having to do everything for them and basically having to mother them as well as the actual children.

Mmhmmn · 14/02/2025 17:30

JC03745 · 11/02/2025 21:40

As soon as he asks, thrust your feet in his direction and demand a foot massage!

Buy him a back scratcher/rake or of those large bristled cow scratcher that rub themselves against!

I agree to the back scratcher. But think hard about packaging it together with some divorce papers, he sounds absolutely fucking awful.

Alternatively, just read him the riot act - you're not a concubine to a tyrannical medieval king ffs.

He is responsible for his neurodiverse cravings, not you - and you're certainly not responsible for his anger. Adults need to find ways of self soothing, not transfer their issues onto others.

nutbrownhare15 · 14/02/2025 17:08

This is completely unacceptable. Is he bullying in other ways? With his attitude it would be a straight no from me. If he got angry or abusive I'd be looking at a divorce.

Echobowels · 14/02/2025 17:03

Achyarms · 11/02/2025 21:39

He says he needs it for regulation (feels very tense due to adhd. I think he also has some autistic traits).

He also says he doesn’t get enough sex so I should be doing this whenever he wants.

Probably yes a bit annoyed at how much of my focus and energy goes on the kids

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Yuck. Those second two paragraphs... What an unattractive specimen.

JC03745 · 14/02/2025 16:32

@ForZanyAquaViewer I have to have foot rubs and it drives my husband mad

Why don't you buy yourself a foot massage machine???

BookWorm7 · 14/02/2025 15:38

Achyarms · 11/02/2025 21:39

He says he needs it for regulation (feels very tense due to adhd. I think he also has some autistic traits).

He also says he doesn’t get enough sex so I should be doing this whenever he wants.

Probably yes a bit annoyed at how much of my focus and energy goes on the kids

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My ex was the same. He would demand I rubbed his back as he couldn't sleep unless I did. I don't mean just for 10mins either. If I read for an hour, he expected me to rub him the whole time. I started going to bed later and later, hoping to avoid it, but he would be waiting for me. Also said he didn't get enough sex and that I was neglecting him but I was pretty much raising the two kids on my own as well as holding down a job and doing everything in the house.

Admitted that he was resentful of the kids, controlling, coersive abuse etc. Actually told me he thought he was more important than me and the kids. I'm so glad to be on my own now. It's not nice when you finally get the kids down and have a minute to yourself to them have to use that time to sooth them like a child, constantly stroking them.

USaYwHatNow · 13/02/2025 22:31

Oh dear. This is me, I am your husband in this situation 🤣 though I ask for them in bed to help me get to sleep as my husband falls asleep so quickly then snores relentlessly. The idea is that I'll hopefully fall asleep before him 🤣

3luckystars · 13/02/2025 22:17

I find this whole idea disgusting. Reading some of these replies is really repulsing me, thinking of someone being expected to rub another persons feet because it regulates them.

But I’m wondering if I’m missing out now.

Hadsuchahardday · 13/02/2025 16:58

I could have written your exact post about 10 years go. In the end I used to do it badly on purpose. He’d moan, I’d moan back and gradually it got less and less frequent and now doesn’t happen any more. Probably not very helpful sorry.

Butterfly292828 · 13/02/2025 14:11

SoloSofa24 · 11/02/2025 21:27

Are you married to a cat?

😂😂😂

K90 · 13/02/2025 12:18

Oh God tell him to fuck right off, yuk

Poppins21 · 13/02/2025 11:27

mewkins · 13/02/2025 11:20

My dog demands this of me too. And boops me with her nose if I stop. I wouldn't tolerate it from a grown man.

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I get slapped in the face with a paw if I stop tickling her belly when we are laying on sofa watching tv. 😂

mewkins · 13/02/2025 11:20

BookASpaceCadets · 11/02/2025 21:29

He sounds like cat 😹

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My dog demands this of me too. And boops me with her nose if I stop. I wouldn't tolerate it from a grown man.

Poppins21 · 13/02/2025 11:06

Letstheriveranswer · 11/02/2025 22:51

Interesting
I absolutely love having my back scratched, it's energising and relaxing all at the same time. If I'm tense or guarded it gets me relaxed. My dad used to scratch my back as a kid. And I have ADHD. Sounds like this may be a thing.

Sadly I have nobody to scratch my back!
And when I did, I wouldn't plonk myself down and demand it and not let someone stop!

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I love having my back scratched too. My husband does it if I am stressed and look like a crumbled mushroom (as he says,) I don’t even ask as I would hate to be pestered if I was him. But he knows it’s very relaxing and behind my knees too.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 13/02/2025 10:52

Anydreamwill · 13/02/2025 10:49

@ForZanyAquaViewer ha ha me, and when I lived at home my mum. It's a definite Asd ADHD thing, it really helps with regulation. But I think the main issue with the op isn't the actual act of doing this for her partner but the demanding of it and the anger if she doesn't. That is what's unacceptable.

You said I have to have foot rubs and it drives my husband mad

I suppose I’m wondering why, if you can do it yourself, you don’t just do that? Regulate yourself?

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