DDs being left out of the wedding

I think for a grandparent’s wedding kids of that she would all be included in the bridal party.

I am very relieved that I have thoughtful PIL .

I’ve raised DSD since 5 months old she calls me mum 👍

DH was a family friend for 13 years, we got together when DSD was a year old.

Did you raise DSD for the mum or with the dad?

I think it's beliefs like this (just an example of many) that cause unnecessary rifts within families. I suppose if OP had 3 biological daughters the bride would be expected to have 6 young bridesmaids & on it would go on both sides.The whole thing is ridiculous. There is a representation from both sides including her own 2 Grandchildren which would be expected & quite normal. Children have to learn there are situations where they can't all be included in everything & also learn to accept it, as do the parents.

You can be hurt but at the end of the day it’s not your wedding. Don’t feel a type of way and ruin the day. Go there with a smile, head up high, hope it’s a great day and you and your lovely children have loads of cake. If you lead the charge they won’t even remember feeling hurt about not being bridesmaids but will remember a great time! SD is older to be honest it’s crazy it’s only a 2 year difference your DH was active. How can you judge his mistress when it seems you two are in the same boat no offence.

When my children were small my brother’s bride asked them to be bridesmaid and page boy. She didn’t ask my other brother’s little boy who was only 5 months older than mine. I found out that my children were receiving watches as gifts, so I bought one for my little nephew and gave it to him on the day. I felt very hurt for him being left out but I didn’t say anything to the bride because it was her day, her choice. My nephew was preoccupied with the watch and a couple of other little things during the ceremony and at the reception they all played together and compared watches, so I think it worked out ok in the end.

Aye - OP has been raising this stepchild as her own from 5 months old. But just as a family friend, until she was a year - when the friendship (with side of playing mother to this man’s daughter) turned romantic. He then got her pregnant straight away.

There’s a huge difference between helping a close family friend with their baby and stepping in to co-parent them. I think OP is deluding herself (or us?) by saying there was absolutely no romantic intent those first 7 months.

as does her own husband... looking at the ages of the children he's not exactly covered himself in glory has he?

But why force your kids to bed bridesmaids, like that’s SUCH an imperative job, rather than taking the opportunity to tell them life is Angie and sometimes you get left out? Or just don’t make out like being a BM is a big deal.

Three grandchildren out of five.

Or possibly three grandchildren out of more than five - all we know is that the bride has asked two of her biological DGDs, this may or may not be all of the bride's biological DGDs.

How on earth did you get to that? I read it as unpleasant to pick one grandchild out of three - why do that?

Calm doon hen 🤣🤣🤣

If he was the married one, it’s him who deserves your ire, not his wife to be.

I doubt you hide it well at all, tbh. If you hate her this much, just don’t go. I know you said it will cause issues but doubt it will really; it’s more two-faced to go to the wedding of someone you absolutely despise.

Yes, but surely if she'd died, the OP have said so, rather than saying she isn't discussing her DSD's early life?

Again, not necessarily. The circumstances of this post are already a tad outing if the bride happens to be on MN. Any more detail about her DSD would only add to it.

You realise the most likely outcome if anybody loses their shit about not all the girls being included is that only the bride’s DGDs (who may be children, adults or somewhere in between) will be included.

Much more logical to have 2 when you wanted 3 than to have 5 when you wanted 3.

Would you have been arsey about none of the girls being included if the bride had done this from the outset, OP?

Is it.. is it glue you’re on, Susan?

@Shambrigade Her behaviour is absolutely awful and if I was you I wouldn't entertain going or letting any of your daughters go. You're not in the wrong about you how feel. I think if you let it happen then her behaviour will just continue and will eventually cause a rift between your daughters.

Or you could just snap op. Buy a long and beautiful white gown for yourself dress the children from head to toe in bridesmaid dresses and flowers!! 😂😂 two can play at fhis game op!

Yes, but surely if she'd died, the OP have said so, rather than saying she isn't discussing her DSD's early life? She also says that while she 'raised DSD from when she was five months old', she wasn't actually in a relationship with her DSD's father at the time, they were just close friends.

Obviously, she doesn't have to disclose anything online, but the difficult circumstances of her DSD's early life might be relevant to the OP's bizarre combination of vocal disgust at her MIL-to-be and entitlement to have her biological daughters be bridesmaids.

I think it’s also important to not enable people like the suicidal MIL to still feel low/involved in drama by stringing the arse out of the conflict for years and years

OP, you say that the bride has been deliberately divisive in the past, to the extent that she stands back and enjoys the fallout she creates among the family.
Just be aware that when you dislike somebody so much, - probably in this case also because of the hurt and humiliation caused to your MIL, it’s possible to over think a little bit and see it all as intentional when maybe it’s just carelessness or maybe a just a stronger personality pushing to have her own way.

Your DH is trying hard to maintain his close relationship with his dad which you rightly respect. You want to support him. And all 3 DD’s are invited. Nobody is excluded. You have downplayed your real seething reaction in front of your DD’s. All of that is good and places you in a good position to just get through the day. You have already naturally done the groundwork to push on through.
Your twins aren’t missing out. They have been bridesmaids before and you can easily boost their confidence in other ways and teach them they have to accept it’s not always their turn.

It is clearly wrong that she has done this. You are best to keep the day as short as possible, cause no ripples and give her nothing to gloat or feel smug about. It’s just a few hours to get through and it’s important for your DH to have you all by his side.
He’s no doubt torn in two by having to witness the event anyway, especially if it’s a difficult day for his mum on her own. I’d stick with him on this one OP.

Has the DSD's mum died? Is that why you say "she is not involved in her life and you looked after her from 5 months old?" That's the only thing that makes sense to me and would also explain the invite to be bridesmaid.

I feel like some people are terrified that them or their child aren’t always centre stage. Just don’t set that expectation for your kid! And if they’re disappointed then that’s life! I think there’s a lot to be said for letting kids know “tough shit”

Yes, well you can certainly see why that might have seemed an attractive option to the bride and groom in this case! What drama over a nine-year-old (who seems to have had a difficult childhood if her mother isn't on the scene, presumably for some sad reason, and she's being raised entirely by her father and stepmother) being a bridesmaid.

So how long do you punish someone who did something that’s nothing to do with you?

And should OP be punished for the part in her DH’s ridiculously short time between having children? Some people think that it’s very immoral to swoop in so soon after a baby is born and have Family Number 2 within 2 years

Yep. And probably why so many people have child free wedding. I can’t believe Stealth Bridesmaiders are so common.