DDs being left out of the wedding

To be honest if both these people are over 50, grandparents and marrying for the second time, I don't see why it's necessary to have any bridesmaids at all. If including all the grandchildren is too much then just don't have any at all. Picking one sister and leaving out the other two when there is only 2 years between them is terrible. Whether the OP likes or doesn't like her FIL's partner is beside the point.

It's not "favouritism", "cherry picking" or "casting aside" anyone

It's having the oldest child do something. Something which is better for her because she's older

If the older child had been left out because "she's a stepchild" that would be different

Or they picked the middle child over the other two, even more awkward with twins

But to just have the eldest child isn't any of the things being claimed

Well then don't have any, I have 5 daughters and when I got married I had all of them as bridesmaids. It didn't even enter my head to just pick one or two of them

Especially when the others are only 7! A few years makes a huge difference in maturity.

Maybe FIL felt that DSD does get a harsher deal, what with her birth mother nowhere to be seen and the younger DTs taking centre stage when they were born. I imagine they might get a lot of fuss and attention just for being twins, even. Maybe you can let DSD have this one thing without making it all about your precious DTs.

Don't be absurd. Of course you can't have a horde of children as a bridal party - that would be just stupid. And in this case, it's makes sense to pick the eldest.

That’s a ridiculous rule. What about budgets, not wanting busy pictures, having to manage 8 small children for a very long day etc? Wouldn’t it just be easier to accept that weddings aren’t in any way about kids (I know some parents struggle with their little diddums not being the centre of the universe) or including kids but instead about celebrating what the B&G want?

'Cast aside' 🤣

Gloriously apt username.

Ok, we're not going to agree. My opinion is that if you do this you're a shitty person.

I wouldn't take my younger daughters and I would tell FIL and his wife what I think of them.

Yes kids need to know they can't be picked for everything, like not getting picked for a football team or something, not being left out of your granddad's wedding for no reason whatsoever.

I disagree. There’s plenty of reasons to pick one child and it the others.

PSA: It’s. Not. Your. Day

Life might not be fair but I also don't think it's fair to teach your young daughters that it's ok to be cast aside like this for no reason

Why not? Why is it not ok to teach kids that things don’t always go their way and other people are picked and not them sometimes? This is a life lesson.

What is it actually teaching them? That their older sister is better? More loved than them?

That things don’t always go their way but it’s grandads wedding and that’s how he wants things. You don’t make a big deal out of it.

Na I wouldn't be allowing that to happen.

What would you do? Tell your eldest that she’s not important enough, that she has to be deprived of a lovely privilege just because her sisters don’t have the exact same? Or would you do some stealth bridesmaid work?

Then either have all of them or none of them. Cherry picking your favourite granddaughters is a shitty thing to do however you try and frame it.

It baffles me that people will go round the houses to try and defend shitty behaviour. If the gran came on here and wrote in the op that she wants to have 3 of her granddaughters instead of 5 then she'd be ripped to shreds and rightly so.

Again, why favouritism?

They aren't being cast aside! They are invited!

OP shouldn't be teaching her daughters to feel entitled to be in other people's bridal parties!

Because no one with a heart would do that.

But why is it thoughtless? Why do all kids need included? Can’t they just have what they want? What if there’s 8 DGD?

Its their day they can do it however you like and either lump it and realise how it isn’t a big deal or throw a tantrum and refuse to go because you aren’t the centre of the day

Why do you think it is favouritism? As opposed to, say, only wanting three bridesmaids, or not wanting bridesmaids younger than 8?

Life might not be fair but I also don't think it's fair to teach your young daughters that it's ok to be cast aside like this for no reason. What is it actually teaching them? That their older sister is better? More loved than them? Na I wouldn't be allowing that to happen.

Send dh and dsd.. You take dd's away for the week end.. Dh can suck up to fil but you don't have to...

Op, yanbu at all. It's blatant favouritism for no reason. I don't know why pp's are delving any further than that, it's extremely unfair on two little girls who are equally related to the wedding couple as your step daughter.

OP for what its worth, I think you need to take a step back here. The priority is your DH's relationship with his father and for the sake of that, I really do think you need to stitch on a smile and attend. Regardless of what you think may have happened and how you perceive your FIL's fiancé.

OP can choose not to go and she can ask DH that none of the girls go.

What she cannot do is elect her DDs to be de facto bridesmaids/flower girls and shit all over someone else's plan. Because that's a lot worse than thoughtless, it's malice aforethought.

No stamping of the feet needed - but equally well no going along with what a thoughtless person wants when it involves your DC.

That’s nice that you think that but not everyone is the same, and if it doesn’t happen it would be very ridiculous to stamp your feet and say “Well I wouldn’t do that so I’m going to FORCE what I would do on someone else’s day”.

Life isn’t fair and kids don’t always get what they want. It’s fine for them to know this. Adults even more so!

What if, like our late dear Queen, bride had 8 DGC before adding any from the groom's side?

I guess we are presuming in this current scenario that DH is either an only child or that any of his siblings don't have DDs.