DDs being left out of the wedding

You lost me in your first post, referring to the woman he plans to marry as his "mistress". Are you living in the 19th Century?

This is AIBU. You are asking for for judgements. If you don't want opinions, ask a mate who will sympathise instead of Am I Being Unreasonable.

How horrible of them to leave two children out and potentially cause bad feeling between siblings (especially when one of them is already likely to have some emotional trauma from her situation with her mother... by giving her preferential treatment they have highlighted that she is different from her siblings. That's something I'd go to great pains not to do with a child in her shoes).

I'd be tempted to go but get your younger two daughters 'princess dresses' too (in a different colour, but just as special). Make a big deal of taking loads of photos of the three sisters together, maybe have a group pamper session beforehand, and refuse to let her cause division in your family.

Op doesn’t need to have any relationship with her. Why would she? Her fil picked her, and she has no blood connection to OPs dh, so they don’t have to like her. OP and her DH can meet up with fil for a drink, or afternoons out. His partner doesn’t need to tag along. My df had another woman, who he ended up marrying. I didn’t like her. I still managed to have a close relationship with my df (eventually) that didn’t include her. It worked very well, on my side anyway. And when my df died I saw her at the funeral, 20 years ago, and haven’t seen her since. She was just a blip in my life.

This.

They're going to have a great time, it will be easy to make up a role for them.

You don't like her. Attend the wedding. Keep your head down. Keep your children happy. Smile nicely throughout. Leave as soon as is polite in the evening. It's not hard to keep everyone happy and minimise drama.

if you take your twins, buy them the most beautiful bridesmaid type dresses. Don’t let them miss out entirely.

Maybe she wants to stop at 3 bridesmaids?
i think you’re being massively over sensitive and unreasonable

Okay, I was prepared to think there might be a reasonable explanation for this, but that's outrageous.

They should have asked your DH's permission first before mentioning it to your DSD, and he should have said it's all of them or none of them. Playing divide and conquer with children that age is completely unacceptable. Even if your FIL's fiancée is an insensitive cow, you'd have expected your FIL to be more sensitive to his other DGDs feelings.

I find it hard to understand how this has got to far along with your DH putting his foot down.

She might not have done
Cheaters lie
Stop blaming the woman when the man cheated

But she should have some blame too. He may have broke his marriage vows, but she presumably knew he was married, but went with it anyway. Which implies she has a zero moral compass, and her lack of values meant she slept with him knowing he was married.

GRex · Today 20:38

9 and 7!! Apple didn't fall far with your DH then.

Exactly.

The OP knows this and is also aware of what is likely to happen in the future. Hence, the misplaced anger at the 'mistress'.

My cousin asked my sister in law to be a bridesmaid and not me. She had a huge wedding with 10 bridesmaids. It was a deliberate snub, aimed mostly at my mum (cousin's mum was behind it all). I was collateral damage.

I bet this woman knows exactly what she us doing and is hoping for a scene. Don't give her what she wants.

You are openly hostile to her! Even on here you make your dislike, no, your contempt for her clear. Why on earth would she want you or your children at her wedding at all? It speaks to her generosity of spirit that you are even invited.

Your misogyny in blaming her for your FIL betraying HIS vows to HIS previous wife is also repugnant.

You and DH need to agree your future relationship with them, and then follow through with good grace.

If you disagree with DH's choice, then your fight is with him, so stop taking it out on your FIL's new wife.

I admit to thinking the same.

OP, maybe the bride is not having a huge number of attendants and a nine year old is fitting the bill.

Unless your girls are not invited to the wedding at all, I don't think you should worry about it. Tell them there cannot be many bridesmaids and they'll probably have the chance later on with someone else's wedding.

Sorry but have you actually met a 7 year old? She said years, not months. Also presumably the bride hasn’t agreed to them throwing petals?

It was your fil who wrecked his own home. Don't blame this woman. Anyway you can't possibly know what his previous marriage was like.

Obviously none of our business but one wonders how you ended up moving in with a man with a 5 month old child. Were you also an ow?

How old are her GD? Does she only have 2? Does she have more than 1 child and it's the oldest from each family?

I can see why they might just want the eldest as BM tbh.

Don't try and photo bomb the pictures ffs

But it's obvious you strongly dislike (actually hate) this woman so your sour face will ruin the pictures anyway

Similar happened with my friend she got her two daughters the fanciest dresses and shoes from Monsoon, lovely headbands and fronted it out!

You know what I would do OP.

Get your children absolutely stunning dressed each. Beautiful hair accessories and shoes so both your children and your DSD all look equally like a princess. Obviously in a different colour to the bridesmaids

That woman doesn't have to treat the three children in your family the same but you sure as hell will.

… yet the FIL (the one who was actually married) gets away Scot Free. You language about her is dreadful, but he hardly gets a mention.

Maybe the fact you are dripping venom towards her, hasn’t gone unnoticed.

Life happens.. people make strange decisions, for whatever reason. The only person in all of this that is eaten up, is you. Sometimes you have to let go, and let people get on with their lives. It’s very little to do with you.

If it’s just that the twins aren’t bridesmaids then I think you’re making a fuss about nothing OP, sorry. Bridesmaids are mostly chosen from the bride’s side, and to add one in from the groom’s side was a nice gesture. As a pp said, choose pretty dresses to make all the girls feel special and organise the younger two to throw confetti or something. Kids don’t have to be treated identically all the time to be fair, as long as it evens out over time.

I don't see what the nature of their relationship has to do with the bridesmaid thing. The two seem completely unrelated.

It's none of your business how their relationship started quite honestly. Be less judgemental.

On the rift thing, how does this woman have the power to cause a rift between your children? On the face of it it's reasonable to only ask one older child to be bridesmaid rather than 3 including two 6 year olds. Are you spending a lot of time with her? If she's not nice then back off and let your husband deal with his father - surely there's no reason for this woman to have that much input into the lives of your children? I would not let the wedding be the hill to die on though. That will cause a lot of unnecessary hurt.

I'd just suck it up. Buy your twins lovely dresses for the wedding and tell them they are going to have a lovely time.

Why do the rest of the family treat DSD differently to your children outside of this issue? Is it because her Mum isn't around or is there a bigger story here?