DDs being left out of the wedding

I get why you don’t like her but it was equally FIL’s fault and it’s perfectly ok to ask the older child to be a bridesmaid but not the younger ones.

If she is doing this on purpose to cause a fall out then surely you just play her at her own game?

Being angry is giving her what she wants, bury it. Don’t say a word about it to anyone that may feed it back to her. Buy the twins some gorgeous princess dresses, slap a smile on, take them and have a fucking blast with your children.

Get a grip. Not all kids in a family will be chosen together for events, and shouldn't be either as its life, and its realy not a big deal that the eldest has been chosen to be a bridesmaid. The youngest have been invited to the wedding just not as bridesmaids.

You are moaning about the fact the eldest got a fancy invite regarding being bridesmaid and the rest of you got a plain invite. What was you expecting a razzle dazzle gold plated diamond encrusted invitation ? It's their wedding and their choices.

And I find it more hypocritical that you will be attending anyways as you clearly dont like her or agree with the marriage with her being the OW. Hell I dont attend the funerals of people I don't like never mind a wedding 🙄

He didn't, read the OPs posts. It's complicated.

Then your issue is with your DH, surely, rather than why a woman you clearly can’t bear has or hasn’t invited your twins to be bridesmaids?

Doesn’t it strike you as a bit much that you’re attending, under protest, the wedding of a woman you refer to as the ‘mistress’ and to whom you long to express your ‘disgust’, but at the same time you’re telling her she has to have your daughters as her bridesmaids? Isn’t it perfectly possible she thinks you’d be appalled to have them asked to be in her wedding party when you so disapprove of the relationship?

Your DH is responsible for a lot of this with his attempts to run with the hare and the hounds. His father is the person primarily responsible for hurting his mother. He was married to her and so did her the greater wrong. However your husband has decided to focus his anger on his father's wife to be, because that conveniently allows him to overlook his father's behaviour while showing faux loyalty to his mother with his refusal to accept his father's partner. You are supporting your husband in this childish hypocrisy and its led to a mess that's impacting your children. If your husband had any integrity he would not want his eldest child to be bridesmaid to the woman he believes wronged his mother, at the wedding he supposedly so strongly disapproves of.
If it were me I'd be telling him to climb down off the fence and either accept his father and his wife properly or keep his distance. The situation is not resolvable otherwise and the children don't deserve to be drawn in.

“They are invited as guests just not bridesmaids”

So buy them the fanciest dress you can find that isn’t actually a bridesmaid’s dress, and job done. You can’t dictate who the wicked stepmother chooses as her bridesmaids, but you can make sure your daughters feel special.

Whatever the reason, if dad has a new woman already moved in when the baby is 5 months it's a bit suspicious.

Ok put aside the ow stuff as not relevant...I really don't see it's such a big crime to have only the oldest as a bridesmaid. If all 3 were your children would you feel this way? Or is it more to do with you being personally snubbed as your kids aren't involved?

6 is quite young and would presumably need you on hand to help with them whereas the 9 year old can go on her own to get ready etc. There does seem reasonable justification for the choice, this woman isn't related so does it really matter if she has a favourite - I really don't see that it's going to damage your daughters' relationship with each other.

Sounds like OW likes to cause trouble. At least the DTs have been bridesmaids before. You can buy them each a nice dress and tell them it’ll all be fine. Whilst inwardly thinking what a mean cow the OW is. She wants to piss you off and drive a wedge between the girls. She sounds awful.

Most fathers in that situation wouldn’t allow the 5 month old abandoned by her mother to be “raised” by another woman who was a friend at the time (as per the OPs previous post) then get her pregnant a year or so later. No one in this situation comes off brilliantly, but adult relationships are complex and if everyone involved loves the children then surely that’s reason to keep the peace so the children can benefit from these extended family relationships. The OPs DH clearly wants his Dad in his life as a father and grandfather despite his choice of partner.

She enjoys the fall out and devisions she orchestrates.
she sounds like a piece of work

dont give her that power.

buy your girls the dresses of their dreams, and enjoy the day.

You have no idea why OP has brought up her SD since 5 months old . Not many mothers leave such tiny children with their father without very good reason.

How did you not say anything when the invite came?!

I have been in a similar situation OP and I think it is absolutely disgusting.
I think I would attend but wouldn't let any of the children be bridesmaids. I would explain to oldest DD why in a way she understands without slagging anyone off.
I would probably leave the children at home and just go with DH and distance after the wedding.
All if these people defending her are crazy! How can they possibly think it's okay to treat children this way?!

Your secondary problem is the husband, he should say all three or none of them.

Is it the circumstances that have made them choose to have your DSD as bridesmaid? Something very sad must have happened for her not to see her mum.

It's not uncommon for one child to be bridesmaid if they're the godchild of the person or older or something like that. I wouldn't fall out over this. And I appreciate you got different comments two years go but perhaps different people are replying, as I don't think I'd ever suggest that adult children insert themselves into their parent's relationship to the extent they refuse to speak to the person one of their parents has chosen.

Is the 9 yo the first grandchild? The eldest grand daughter?
if so I think it’s ok and fair even to have her as bridesmaid and the younger girls excluded from bridal party.
surely at 7 you can wear a pretty princess dress (of your own choosing) to attend a wedding, so not really sure why it’s an issue.

obviously if there are other grand daughters and the 9yo has been selected from a whole gaggle, and not because of seniority, then it is a bit unfair.

She is a home wrecker she loves drama she is leaving DT out. She destroyed a family bit by bit. She is segregating.
I think you’re letting FIL off lightly here. You’ve said you don’t like him either but it’s clear where you are focused here. They are (BOTH) obviously BU though. I’d be tempted to speak to dsd and remove her from the wedding party, then do something special with the three of them instead, like plan all 3 for ‘pretty princess’ type makeovers if that’s what they’re excited about

My older sister was a bridesmaid with 3 of my cousins when I was the age of your DDs. I got bought a nice dress and was taken out for a treat as consolation. It has not harmed me in any way whatsoever. Children have to learn they can’t always be the centre of attention. I wouldn’t stop them from going to the wedding as they will feel even more excluded from your FiL’s life and that wouldn’t be fair on them or your DH. On the other hand, you don’t have to go as you clearly loathe his partner.

I think it’s despicable of her to leave out your two little girls like that, and I would also be livid. What a horrible, nasty woman.

I repeat, if you feel so strongly that your immediate family should be no-contact with FIL and his new wife, then you have a DH problem. First clue was when you two got pregnant when he already had a small child by another woman to care for.

Just STOP blaming everything you feel about FIL's behaviour and DH's non-equal treatment of his own children on the bride-to-be. It's incredibly misogynist.

I wouldn't allow one child to be involved and the others not.

Why does your DH think this is OK? Surely he wants his kids treated fairly?

You didn't have to agree to SD being a bridesmaid though.