Having a Baby with My Gay Best Friend – WWYD?

I thought about it and decided to go the single mom by choice route. I was very selective with my donor and he’d donated to other single women and lesbian couples.
I ended up marrying/moving in with my husband when my baby was 8 months old (met while I was getting pregnant). Even that shift to sharing was hard - and he’d been with me and baby every night anyway! But shifting him into equal parent role was hard on me.

The risks for you sharing with your friend are so high. I’d suggest you do a donor and he does a surrogate and you both be the best godparent/uncle/auntie.

But we don’t have families or babies due to logic. Whatever you choose I wish you the best.

There is also all the theory around attachment and babies needing the attachment to the primary caregiver. I would look into that sort of thing before planning the first year or so.

I think that while it could work out great, there are a couple of things to consider.

Early weeks/months. You'll be knackered and recovering and it would good to have regular support from dad or someone else.

Like pp mentioned - 50/50 from birth is usually not something that's recommended. Also, thinking it will be fine to do 50/50 at that age might be quite different to feeling it's fine when you've got the baby and all the hormones are at play. The sense of attachment is extremely strong. I had to have my baby in ICU briefly. She was fine and was only there to finish antibiotics for something that was ruled out almost immediately, and I was also in the hospital, but literally not having there with me 24/7 as a small baby was very psychologically challenging. The hormones are STRONG.

Also, it would be sensible to think about eventualities such as what if one of you wants to move away one day, how do you manage something like that? Do you both agree to stay in the same area?

I don't think you necessarily have to live together, but I wonder if a more flexible/him at yours more regularly in the early months would be more supportive than starting 50/50 early on. Basically just seems like a good idea to really plan for the early bit, as it's different to having an older kid who is more portable!!

Sounds like a really bad idea

I would never bring a child into the world knowing he she was going to have two different homes right from the beginning. Why don't you write a house between you and make sure you each have a good size bedroom each? Neither of you would want to be away from the child for half of the week and honestly for you, it would be absolutely dreadful.

Why don’t you get a dog with J, and see how that goes before committing to a child? You might find that you agree perfectly ( or at least, adequately) on feeding, exercising, training, who does what and when. If so, you might be able to manage splitting a child.

If not, you can probably deal with canine distress and disturbance more easily than with that of a tiny vulnerable human.

The 50/50 isn't great for childre . Can you imagine being happy to split your life between two homes? Would you be willing to live together or even next door to each other?

Consider he financials involved too, not forgetting both of you getting life insurance and putting it in trust for any children you have.

I really agree with this. Did J suggest it? It really has loads of pros for him and all the cons for you

Google Nicola Slawson, she’s a journalist who’s done exactly this, with her gay best friend.

For most of human history, babies have not had single primary caregivers.

She wasn't actually planning to split her child in half. Melodrama, much?

It’s absolutely hellish for a child to have a life that is split in half. Please don’t do it on purpose. It’s also hellish to be away from your baby for half the time. I might consider this if you were going to have the child live with you and have your friend being a supportive dad who comes and visits and takes the kid out.

I know someone who’s done it, all seems to be going very well so far.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/jan/06/two-single-friends-one-radical-plan-why-im-having-a-child-with-my-gay-best-mate?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

Personally I would never do this. In your position I would freeze my eggs and get on with life until the right person comes along.

To be honest I think this setup would be very offputting and alienating to a future partner. I wouldn’t want my partner constantly popping in and and out of their best friend’s house who they conceived a child with, gay or not. It doesn’t matter you aren’t sexually involved; you’ll be heavily emotionally entwined and your future partner might be left feeling really isolated. What happens if you want a kid too with them? Then you have a child from your gay best friend and a child from the man you love. How will the siblings feel?

How will this child feel dipping in and out of two homes. They won’t know whether they are coming and going. Kids need stability, consistency and routine. It’s one things when parents divorce because the marriage has fallen apart but you would have chosen a broken home from the offset. No amount of picnics and friendly impromptu get togethers make up for a family unit.

I strongly feel that you and your friend may be approaching planned parenthood the way everybody should!

Working all the legalities out in advance and knowing what is expected from each partner (without the romantic involvement) is incredibly important.

50/50 may be a challenge in the early days, as another poster suggested, could you cohabit for the first year? It gives you each the closeness with the baby but allows development of external relationships once ready.

The only caveat to this is getting a cleaner so your admitted messiness doesn't encroach on his tidiness! A compromise.

There’s not a chance I’d do 50/50 with my baby. I didn’t understand the bond until I had a baby of my own.

Babies are designed to be with a primary caregiver most of the time from birth. You really can't be doing 50/50 with a tiny one. Could you perhaps rent very close to each other for the first year or 2? Evolution hasn't caught up with modern lifestyles.

a big part of me says go for it, I didn’t think children were the be all and end all for me but now I have one I completely adore her. My only word of caution would be on the 50/50 element and how flexible that might be. I know it works for lots of people brilliantly so there’s no judgement whatsoever meant at all here. More just a point for you to consider, whether you could handle that. I’m a working mum but I really wouldn’t enjoy being separated from her 50% if the time. In many cases of course it can’t be helped and it’s much better than being in an unhappy home I absolutely agree, but as you have the choice just something to consider. Good luck to you both I really hope it works out whatever you decide 😊

You can't be away from a newborn baby 50% of the time, you are completely underestimating the need for you to be close to baby all of the time when they are small. It just won't work.

A dear friend of mine did this, then fell out catastrophically with the father, who had been a very good friend, and it ended up in an almighty and very costly child custody battle. Obviously they were unlucky, but they never imagined that it would have ended up like that when they started so you might want to imagine all the worst case as well as best case scenarios.

Just go out and find a man you actually want a relationship and family with.

Your suggestion will work VERY WELL for J and will be absolutely shit for you and baby. I feel you are completely misunderstanding what it means to carry a pregnancy and care for a small baby.

Baby will need to be with you 100% of the time for a long time. You absolutely cannot hand a small baby or a toddler to a man overnight or for more than a few hours.

Babies are also really fucking hard work, especially overnight.

So him living somewhere else is really, really horribly unfair to you.

Even at 6 months, most babies wake 1- 2 times per night, or more. But most of us have a partner to help us with that. If you don't live together, you'll be doing ALL the hard work while he just gets the fun, ocasional babysitting duties.

And what about the hit to your career and finances? If you were a couple he'd be contributing more and supporting you.

Honestly, it's a shit shit suggestion for you. Great for J.

It wouldn't be fair for a baby or toddler to be shifted between two homes. The baby would need to stay with you for at least a year. If he demanded overnights then that's for his benefit, not the baby's. Either get into a relationship with a man or go the donor sperm route. I think the scenario you've proposed is too messy.

And don’t underestimate the pain of the father not being able to be with his child 24/7. My husband (and all of my male friends) felt such an intense bond (more than the mothers, including me as had a bit of PND). It would have ripped my husband’s heart out if he could only see his child for a couple of hours. Let alone if one of us moved and wanted to start another family.

Read the step parent board, it may give you a bit of an eye opener about how children feel about having to go to each parent every week, then getting a new family and feeling pushed out, etc.

My dd's best friend's,family is a bit like this. I think it works because they're absolutely committed to coparenting and not just making the best of a bad situation, so living near each other absolutely prioritised over career opportunities etc, decisions on schooling, where kids hang out after school etc made on pragmatic grounds rather than parental wishes. You'll have to factor in potential future relationships, illness etc but done well i think it's brilliant, more people to share the responsibility, more resources, more love.

Were you raised in one home or two, OP? I was raised in two and hated it. It's miserable never having all your stuff or both your parents. No matter how loved and happy you are, you're never whole. I don't think I'd intentionally want to bring a child into the world for that experience.

I'd rather unknown donor sperm and go it alone (but that's really hard, I know). Bear in mind that if you then meet someone and have kids, your baby is always going to be the one that doesn't fully fit into your 'real' family. Another awful experience for a child. The only one who doesn't get to live with both their parents. And so on. Shared custody is a painful byproduct of the way some families go - it's not a situation I'd ever plan as ideal for a child.