Having a Baby with My Gay Best Friend – WWYD?

But MN is fundamentally Not Good with families that are not heteronormative. I wish it weren't - I've been here since it were fields - but it's the case.

What is not heteronormative about a man and a woman having a baby together?! Yes, one of those people is gay, but that's not what anyone here is objecting to!

I'm a lesbian who had a baby through donor sperm with my wife. I still think this is an absolutely terrible idea.

Maybe going it alone would be better. Certainly less complicated for the child anyway.

But the snag would be you’d have to be a full time parent.

How very selfish of you both.
Anyone who tinks this an acceptable way to bring up a child shouldn't be.
Yes, co-parenting happens, but should not be the starting position.

The fact that you think 50/50 custody is appropriate for a NEWBORN BABY (despite what everyone else on this thread has already told you), combined with this:
Also, we both want the chance to meet partners in the future, and living together might make that tricky.
tells me that neither of you have the slightest concept of what parenthood entails.

Newborn babies want to be with their mother (by which I mean the woman who gives birth to them), whether or not they are breastfed. They know her voice and her smell; they don't yet understand that they are no longer a part of her body. It doesn't mean they can't form a wonderful bond with their other parent, but the birth mother is absolutely number one, and both parents need to respect that.

The fact that you are both considering dating when you have a young child is incredibly selfish. Your child, and their family unit (which would be you and your friend), should be the top priority, and everything should be geared towards keeping that stable. Living between two homes, each run by a different parent, each of whom are going to be distracted by new relationships, is in NO WAY in the child's best interests. It sounds like you both want to be part-time parents, which just isn't how parenting works.

Being a good parent involves a great deal of selflessness, and it sounds like neither you are your friend are prepared for that. Which doesn't make either of you bad people, but it will make you bad parents.

Have you thought about childcare? Because 50% may seem a lot, but when you are out working 10 hours of the day you won’t see much of your child. A friend of mine does 50/50 but the child also has to go to 2 sets of grandparents for childcare. And now mum has a new boyfriend where she stays over a lot, so the child is living in 5 homes during the week. That is a lot if you also would like to do homework, sports, hangout with friends.

A lesbian friend of mine conceived babys with a donor and with an diy-insemination kit she bought online. We were all thinking it was never going to work, but it did, twice! Saved a lot of money and hassle.

And just a sidenote: I went back to work when my babies were 3 months old and left them in childcare or with their father… and i was absolutely fine with it. So not all mothers want to be glued to their babies the first year. If you want to breastfeed you can use a pump when baby is away. It won’t always be easy but not impossible.

I have friends who did this - 2 gay couples and it has worked really well for them, though having 4 parents deciding everything can be tricky…
BUT it wasn’t 50/50 living when the children were young. It was the kids with the mums and the dads found the corner seeing them a lot and ‘sleepovers’ as dad’s house.
Also - get this legally water tight - and make sure that same level of parenting.
Another couple used a friend as donor and he wanted to be an ‘uncle’ type figure in the background but once his parents caught wind of their gay son giving them a grandchild they put enourmous pressure on him to get custody …

You don’t seem to want to listen to people telling you that 50/50 is not in the in the best interest of a child. You just keep talking about what will be preferable nd more convenient for you and your friend.

Hardly a great start.

OP I think it is possible and I know of several queer families with creative configurations. I echo the posters encouraging you to seek legal advice. And please please consult with people who are doing this in real life and not just theoretically thinking about it.

I had a plan to do this with my gay BF. As it happened, I met someone who I married and had two children with. In hindsight I am glad I did not conceive a baby with my BF. Our relationship has become strained in recent years as he has developed some problematic beliefs and our lives and values have diverged. He also has some chronic and persistent mental health issues that weren't apparent when we were friends. These are the types of things I was oblivious to when we were discussing it all over pints in a lighthearted way.

Food for thought. It can be done! But just not lightly. Good luck.

I’d think very hard about how you’ll feel, as the mum who’s carried this baby for 9 months, when you have to hand him/ her over to the dad who doesn’t live with you. This could be extremely difficult for you, especially in the first year or so.

Will you breast feed ? How will this work?

How will you feel about him meeting new partners and them being introduced to baby ?

As pp said, during the pregnancy, will he provide for you if you can’t work ? This would include pension provision.

You need to sit down and discuss all the “ what ifs” and go through a lawyer otherwise you’re leaving yourself vulnerable.

The plus I see is that your child has both of it's biological parents on the birth certificate and so would only ever have two households to consider into the future - should you each partner up and form a relationship and then separate.

I would legally need to be the primary care giver until the child is about four. I think most children prefer to be not too many hours without their mothers so the child going off to it's father for 50% would not be in it's best interests.

Have a legal arrangement.

Why wouldn't you move in together? Surely that's the first step. To see if you can stand to live with each other. Personally Id get a house

If youbare going next door, yes.

If you have to drive / bus, you still have to get you and the baby washed, fed, dressed. And baby always wants a feed just as you leave.

Bonding may be a problem. It would be at least 3 years until baby could spend a night away from you. Could DF move in for a while with you (you may need the support) or move much closer (next door 🤷‍♀️). I think there's a lot to consider, I wouldn't jump into it blindly.

There was a thread on here by a grandma who's GD was conceived between a gay couple and lesbian, couple, the child lived between 2 houses with 4 parental figures, both relationships broke down and all 4 wanted contact so the GD was living between 4 different houses, some.of whom had then started new relationships so even more step parents on the scene.
Basically it.was very messy and didn't sound like the most stable upbringing at all

Where do you get this from? Of course the mother has always been the primary caregiver unless she dies at birth or something. How else would the baby be fed and looked after?

I think it could work brilliantly if you lived in the same building, eg different flats, for the early years. I think knowing your dad is very important, dads are important, especially in later childhood. Earlier, I think the definition of a good dad is one who supports the mum of his baby and is able to be secondary to their bond for quite a while initially. It doesn’t mean he can’t bond with the baby, but that primary mother-baby attachment is very important to the child.

I think it would be selfish to have a child with the intention of 50/50 care. Not to mention the emotional distress you are most likely to feel being away from your young baby so much.

If you'd bicker about petty things like tidying up and would fall out, then parenting could be absolutely hellish. Parenting choices and attachment can be extremely important to you, and you have no idea how either of you would feel about the million things that'll come up over time. There would be so much to work through and the child would be stuck in the middle of it all.

I agree with all the comments about how horrendous it'd be for mum and baby to be separated. 50/50 with a child is horrible, they aren't pets or gifts to pass around so you can play at being mummy sometimes and he can play at being daddy.

If he wants to be a donor, something could be worked out, going through the proper channels through a clinic. Legally though, the child risks being torn from their primary caregiver and it could also go the other way with the donor no longer wanting to be involved.

Once the baby is born the thought of 50/50
would kill you. It’d be like losing your right arm for 50% of the time.

Lack of spontaneity is not anywhere near close to being the biggest challenge for kids with seperated parents or parents who live separately. That massively minimises the complexities and issues that can arise. If and it's a big if you can co-parent together amicably then you have one of the biggest issues sorted already. You can't know that for sure until you try. There is always some degree of illusion in any relationship and you don't how he will parent and he doesn't know how you will and neither of you know if your parenting styles will be compatible. There are so many things to discuss there, discipline or consequenes, sleep training if you will or won't, how babies going to be fed, weaning when and how, vaccinations, do you both have same views on sexuality, do you both share the same views on termination due to medical issues or severe disability. Do you both share the same views with regards to things like getting a diagnosis if your child is ND. There are some issues you avoid by not being in an intimate relationship with each other, but you're also less tied together if things go wrong.

50/50 doesnt provide what a baby needs, I think at least for the first 18 months I'd want to be living together. If you live apart little and often is what is usually recommended for the non residential parent while DC is a baby, as in lots of short visits building up over time to longer ones, then to overnights.

I have no issue with what you want to do in and of itself, but you need to discuss all the tough issues that may arise and how you both want to parent first, find out if you're actually on the same page before doing this.

All of my children have breastfeed over night well into their second year of life. I did not intend to breastfeed for that long. But as life went along I enjoyed it and it worked and the children enjoyed it and it worked. How would your best friend feel about not getting overnights for 2 -3 years? How would you feel if he insists he does want overnights? These things are tricky to negotiate as a couple they will be hard maybe even harder in your situation.

Hand on heart I think you’d be crazy. And I’m someone who has navigated a known sperm donor arrangement.

Parenting is tough. You will feel an almighty, biological, visceral pull to your child. That’s there for a reason I cannot imagine handing my child off weekly. Missing half their life. What’s your plan for birthdays? Christmas?

Also you must think of the child. As a baby there’s absolutely no way 50/50 is in their best interests at all. Will you breastfeed? That baby will want to be with Mum, it’s a biological reality. I would be profoundly worried about an attachment injury if baby is 50/50 from birth. Your baby will know your smell, your voice, your heartbeat. They won’t know dad. They will be distressed to be away from you. This is reflected in family court practices - they don’t give 50/50 from birth, typically it’s max 8 hours at a time and often 1-2 non sequential days at that. But even for an older child I don’t think creating a baby with two households is fair. Children struggle with transition. It sounds a lot about what suits both of you - sharing the desire to be parents - than what’s best for the child.

I would strongly consider single motherhood by choice and a known sperm donor role with input from biological father but not shared parental responsibility. Parenthood is tough, and tougher alone, but I’m not sure that deliberately dicing up a child’s life is a preferable alternative.

How is that any different to any other family where a new partner comes along when you're co-parenting with an ex? It works all the time. And honestly, knowing the other parent is gay and there was no 'history' between them might be a bonus for a new partner. They might actually like each other!

It's not a 'broken' home unless the adults make a huge deal about it and can't get on. Being in two homes isn't the problem - parents' egos are!

I don't agree that it has to be 'hellish' for a child. I did it for most of my childhood and it was fine, it just was what it was.

I do wonder if OP will struggle with being away from her baby / child half the time though, I'm sure I would. But I suppose we get used to everything with time and repetition.