To think this isn’t cliquey?

Our girls are 22 now and my husband went to a quiz night last week with four school dads! I wonder if they were being cliquey and should have invited Anna, the mum of Daniel from Y3…

I was just grateful to whoever stepped up. I didn’t see it as their role to accommodate every single person’s wants and needs. People are busy and this is a role of class rep, not therapist or life coach!

Exactly. When you make friends at work, nobody quizzes you why you haven’t befriended the whole office!

I'm one of the mums who doesn't get involved as much as others (I don't cancel anything last minute though). It doesn't bother me one bit that there's now a small group of mum friends and I'm not invited to stuff. It's not personal they have spent more time together and formed those friendships. We're all still friendly. This woman sounds weird.

Seems that some think that if you “step up” and organise general social events you are then taking on ongoing responsibility for other people in the groups social lives. Then they resent it when you step away and go off and have a social life of your own!

Enjoy your “clique” op. Mine is absolutely brilliant because of them we have an active busy local social life even though our children are now 18! Our next 4 sat nights are full off meals out / parties / weekend trips with them.

But they are close friends? Sometimes they get together as friends. Other times they suggest get-togethers with the school mums. the two relationships are clearly different…

Surely this is why you make an effort in the first place- to make friends? If you don’t show up to invitations you don’t make friends and you stop getting invited. You learn this as a 7 year old surely?

I don’t get your thinking on this one (and I hate school gate politics)

People can be so weird about some school Mums becoming friends. No other facet of life seems to draw the same ire.

YANBU, OP.

First off, I'm completely with OP that she is allowed to go out with her friends and the other mum is a moaning Minnie.

However there is a weird thing that happens around power and authority when a group self organises, and I probably think now (after years of being completely like the OP) that when you kindly take on a role of responsibility in a group, however informally, you need to be mindful that this comes with an inevitable responsibility. Just "being kind" isn't exactly the right way to do it. In our class WhatsApp there are two specific class reps, who at the start of the year explicitly volunteered to sort the meetups and other things. At the end of each year they are showered with gratitude and someone else in the group organises a whip round and a present (contribution not compulsory!)

The fact that this is an official "role" means that the rep has to think about inclusive ways to ask people how they'd like to meet up, how often, what types of events. Coffee meet ups after drop-off? One pub meet up per term? Raucous karaoke nights every month? Picnics? It'll depend on the broader consensus of the class.

There is inertia and shyness in any big group of people and most will need to be clearly and jovially nudged even to tick the box on the poll "I don't mind, I don't have much time for meetups" or to say what they prefer.

Therefore the meetups are already transparently what the group have said and the reps explain their decision making, like "most people didn't want a Christmas drinks as this time of year is so busy so we will do two coffee mornings in March to give most people chance to check in at least". The reps will name the fact that people aren't coming and ask for the group to confirm whether it's the event that's wrong, or whether people just aren't feeling it, which is fine but could they please engage enough to say which.

When I was the rep I'd do the meetup, try and take a photo of the biggest gang there, post on the chat something really inclusive afterwards, and actively seek feedback (again) from those who hadn't come (again on the chat, not stalking!) saying how great it would be to see people next time, asking for feedback of what people had liked and what we should do differently next time.

Frankly there is a lot more hidden work in maintaining the inclusivity of a group than you might think. OP has done a quite reasonable thing inviting folks to things, events which seem sensible types of get together that she and a few others would enjoy. But she hasn't followed up over the years to see what's under the surface of others not joining. Maybe the pub is not to everyone's taste. Maybe the timing was off. Maybe there's just something about the vibe that makes people flake out and feel uneasy.

OP won't want to hear this but she has unfortunately, and with the kindest intentions, put herself in a position of authority within a class group. This means that if someone else was now to post "I've got an idea why don't we do a class meetup at X" this would feel quite weird. The person doing it might feel an insurmountable social barrier because this is the "job" of OP and friends/ clique.

So you're stuck - others might feel resentful but feel that now so much time has passed they can't change the status quo because it will be seen as a challenge to the group. Little do they know you'd like them to step up!

Basically tldr if you're the person who steps into am organising role and you don't do something quite extensive to keep it inclusive, you'll end up with people eyerolling and feeling excluded. It's not fair but that's the way it works in these strange groups of hairless chimps we call humans.

I went out with some school mums last week. There was only four of us. Should we have invited everybody from when the kids were 4? The kids are now at university... At what stage of people are allowed to become separate friends?!

Are people not allowed to form individual friendships?! Are they meant to meet as a group of 30 forever?!

people here often struggle to differentiate between a clique and a group of friends. It’s really strange.

It's not a clique, it's a friendship group which entirely naturally has formed by your having kids in the same class in common and getting on well together. You don't have to include other people in it, especially those who are flakey and make bitchy remarks. Whether you want to try and have wider class gatherings is another matter. I would just leave it someone else to organise it.

@TheIvyRestaurant Your issue seems to be that you're happy with the group of people you meet up with to be called a group of people you meet up, whereas other people seem to view it as a clique

er .......why on earth does it matter so much whether it's a group of people you meet up, or a clique

But why can’t we be friends just the six of us without an accusation make?

You can ..... does it actually matter what other people 'accuse' you of?
People always have opinions of who you are, and what you do, and why you do it - and it will always suit their own narrative ................. and in that way they'll feel comfortable about their own lives.

It's life - some people see it the same way you do, some people have different opinions. So what??!

You're making it sound as though extroverts need validation and agreement from everybody else to feel comfortable in their lives and can't stand different opinions because it undermines their reality?? ......

Because I didn't say that at all, you either misread or you're being deliberately argumentative. In fact if you read it again it specifically says "you don't". Sorry we don't agree, it is what it is. I don't give a shit if you're in a clique or not, just offering my opinion on a thread which asked if we thought you were

No you don't. You're putting words in my mouth now. You asked if it was cliquey, I said yes I thought it was.... And? Clearly our opinions are totally different and that's fine. Not sure why you asked though if you only wanted people to agree with you. Hope you have a lovely day OP, I mean that sincerely. I'm not here to argue with anyone so I'll leave this thread alone now.

You're perfectly reasonable, OP.

Your organised friend puts messages on the Year group WhatsApp letting everyone know about a proposed night out for parents - that's community minded of her and a pretty thankless task in my experience.

Separate to that, a group of you have nights out together because you get on well. As do other people, presumably, because that's what being friends means.

For some reason, an entitled pass/agg trouble maker has decided your organiser mate's social life should be dedicated to the entire year group at all points and never her close friends, so she's lobbed an unpleasant comment into the chat.

She's being spiteful. Ignore her.

Well, you got me there. Absolutely no need for anyone to be nice. There's plenty in the world who aren't, you do you

Totally disagree with the posts recommending op goes and justifies herself to this woman! Sod that! So demeaning! They had their chance to be friends now your group is formed. You have no obligation to anyone else.

I’m still friends with three of the Mums from primary school and our kids are all now 23/24.

You tried with the big group. Other Mum sounds whiny.

Agree!

She sounds cheeky OP and I think you've tried your best to engage people. Friendship is a give and take thing.

See, I'd fight fire with fire in that instance and would reply: 'Just to clarify, the clique will be meeting on the Friday. This invite is for everyone to meet on the Thursday. Please let us know if you can make it.'