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AIBU?

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Original poster

Texted with dates to avoid for a funeral

86 replies

Donewithdoormat · 11/02/2025 15:08

First off, I know that IABU partially because I have been a doormat for far too long. I have long allowed myself to be the admin/organiser for my sister and brothers for years. The attitude I am discussing here is partly because I’ve allowed this to happen, and I am learning to identify this and say no.

We had some bereavements last year and whilst my sister was really helpful, the others just let me get on with it. I was an executor in both cases. I am the only one with younger children and am a single parent (plus I work) so I was working, supporting my children, and dealing with my own grief as well as paperwork.

Another close family member died recently and suddenly. We’re all in shock and grieving. In this case I’m not the next of kin and won’t be dealing with the funeral. The date is not yet known. My role will be to turn up and support the next of kin who is a young adult and needs a lot of support.

Cue my brother messaging me with dates he will be on holiday coming up within 4 weeks, please be aware for funeral arrangements etc. I believe this is him trying to ensure he gets his holiday without being the bad guy, as if the dates clashed then he’d say this was my fault because he’d told me in advance.

I batted it back- I’m not part of this, I’m not getting involved with your arrangements and I’m certainly not passing it on to NoK for him.

He’s now got upset because I’m closer to the next of kin so apparently it’s easier for me to tell him.

i pretty much erupted at this point and told him, still by text, that it’s not my problem, the date will be the date, and if he isn’t willing to postpone then that’s his decision. I asked him why he thinks the NoK would avoid the dates for the funeral just for him when my brother doesn’t feel it’s enough of a priority to rearrange his holiday? And I also said that it’s in bad taste to put a bid in for dates like that anyway, like it’s a trip to the cinema And then I told him to just F off and leave me alone,

AIBU to have refused to pass on that info? Am I being too sensitive? Is it normal to give people a list of dates to avoid? In my experience the crematoriums get booked up so dates are limited anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
Donewithdoormat · 11/02/2025 16:22

AlexP24 · 11/02/2025 16:10

Although you are not being unreasonable - surely you could have just said to your brother 'the thing is, the dates are the dates and crematoriums get so booked up that they tell us rather than us telling them - but look if you're away don't worry, I'm sure NoK won't mind because me and x will be there anyway'. I think it's wrong of you to make him feel bad for being away, which you did I think when you said 'if you can't postpone your holiday..'. I think it's silly to expect anyone to cancel a holiday for a funeral. Unless it's your mum or dad or sibling of course, but not for anyone else. People die and sometimes you can't be there for the funeral,

The thing is, I don’t expect him to be there for the funeral if the dates clash. I just expect him to own his decision not to go if that is what happens, and not to expect the dates to work around him.

i think I could have handled it better, but I didn’t. He lives close by so no doubt I’ll see him at the weekend as we use the same gym. That’s going to be fun!

OP posts:
Kerrylass · 11/02/2025 16:18

Firstly sorry For your loss

Just wanted to add that i think you handled that perfectly. Keep your cool if you can x

Worldinyourhands · 11/02/2025 16:15

You don't have to pass the dates on and it's totally fine that you said that. Telling people to speak directly to one another is completely fair. You're not an admin person.

Having said that, if brother wants to go on holiday rather than to the funeral that's totally fair. Not everyone feels the need to go to a funeral and he doesn't have to feel guilty about that.

WiddlinDiddlin · 11/02/2025 16:14

Fuck no, I'd have said exactly the same.

IF his presence were that important that the people doing all the arranging thought it appropriate to arrange the funeral around his holiday dates... he'd be absolutely willing, and welcome, to contact them directly.

He knows damn well that contacting them directly would be inappropriate and rude, and so he is trying to get you to do his dirty work for him and make you the scape goat should his absence be noted.

Absolutely fuck that.

AlexP24 · 11/02/2025 16:10

Although you are not being unreasonable - surely you could have just said to your brother 'the thing is, the dates are the dates and crematoriums get so booked up that they tell us rather than us telling them - but look if you're away don't worry, I'm sure NoK won't mind because me and x will be there anyway'. I think it's wrong of you to make him feel bad for being away, which you did I think when you said 'if you can't postpone your holiday..'. I think it's silly to expect anyone to cancel a holiday for a funeral. Unless it's your mum or dad or sibling of course, but not for anyone else. People die and sometimes you can't be there for the funeral,

LatteLady · 11/02/2025 16:10

Having done this for my mum, our Irish relatives were shocked by the amount of time it took (three weeks) and we ended up holding it on her youngest sister's birthday, not ideal but it was the only date.

So no, if he wants to avoid dates, then it is on him to talk to the NoK.

treesandsun · 11/02/2025 16:10

sunshinerainbowcloud · 11/02/2025 15:27

YANBU OP and for what it’s worth well done for breaking the cycle of being a doormat and saying “no”

I came to say this. If this is an example of your brother's behaviour - he is in for a well needed reality check that the world and bereavements don't revolve around his wishes.

featherindarkwaters · 11/02/2025 16:08

Bravo. You stood up for yourself.

I'm sorry that it took a painful loss for you to find your voice, that's unfortunate, but still, well done. Keep it up and watch your life improve.

purplecorkheart · 11/02/2025 16:07

Well done for telling him straight. He wasn't close enough to the family to make the request himself but expected you to do it but feels important enough that they would arrange the funeral around him. He is cheeky. Take no more nonsense from him.

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 11/02/2025 16:07

Of course you are not unreasonable. Good for you.

livingonaprairie · 11/02/2025 16:03

My grandfather's funeral was held on my birthday years ago - only available date for weeks. My DM did ask me if I minded but I didn't really have a choice so it was a birthday to forget. I certainly wasn't offended as I am a reasonable person (seemingly unlike your brother) and realised it wasn't about me.

ShushImTalking · 11/02/2025 16:03

Well done for telling him straight. You are well on the way to non doormat status. Keep it up.

Ellie1015 · 11/02/2025 16:02

Yanbu.

I would have done the same and also advised brother not to give the NoK any additional hassle by even mentioning dates. Just hope for the best and apologise if he can't manage. Unless very close and needed for funeral i can't see anyone expecting him to cancel holiday anyway.

VUtterlyFedUP · 11/02/2025 15:58

No you aren't being unreasonable at all. I have empathy with you as one of my brothers is just like this with me. He's more important than anyone and expects me to do all the work and then complain when he's not happy having not lifted a finger.

You are completely in the right and if he wants to be so crass as to send 'dates to avoid' he needs to do it himself.

TrainTicket · 11/02/2025 15:57

Your brother sounds self-absorbed. Why should a funeral be arranged around him “living his best life”? He also sounds like a coward trying to make you the messenger in all this!

Notimeforaname · 11/02/2025 15:56

Well done. Keep pushing back until they get the picture and if all else fails, ignore.

You have enough to deal with .

Mylittlebobble · 11/02/2025 15:55

Well done for putting in the boundary. Excellent work for noticing the pattern and not getting dragged in.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 11/02/2025 15:54

You are not his PA. You are right to decline.

mathanxiety · 11/02/2025 15:48

YANBU

Your brother is a piece of work.

GreenYellowBrown · 11/02/2025 15:42

My grandma’s funeral was on my 21st birthday, I still went 🤷‍♀️

Notgivenuphope · 11/02/2025 15:42

We had this in our family too. Poor gran finally got hers 5 weeks after her death.
Let him be his own messenger

ThejoyofNC · 11/02/2025 15:38

Well done for finding your backbone, I'm sorry it took something like this for that to happen.

Ramblethroughthebrambles · 11/02/2025 15:34

YANBU. I can understand why you felt cross given the background. However, I don't think there was a need to erupt or to say as much as you did to justify your 'no'. It would have been enough to say something like "I'm sorry, I don't feel comfortable asking them to avoid dates. It's not something I would do. If you want them to avoid your holidays you'll need to ask them yourself. Their number is...."

Cyclebabble · 11/02/2025 15:34

My SIL did this when my dad died... We delayed the funeral for a number of weeks and some good friends of his were unable to attend as a result. Then she did not turn up at all as it was "too stressful".....

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 11/02/2025 15:32

A funeral is not a wedding. It’s a public event for people to attend.
Obviously, the date is very important to loved ones but it’s not your job or anyone else’s to look out for your brother’s holiday arrangements.
I know many like him - very important people, with very important lives.
Do your best to stand by the poor next of kin who must be devastated. And be very proud of how well you took care of all arrangements when it was your job to.

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