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AIBU?

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Original poster

Texted with dates to avoid for a funeral

86 replies

Donewithdoormat · 11/02/2025 15:08

First off, I know that IABU partially because I have been a doormat for far too long. I have long allowed myself to be the admin/organiser for my sister and brothers for years. The attitude I am discussing here is partly because I’ve allowed this to happen, and I am learning to identify this and say no.

We had some bereavements last year and whilst my sister was really helpful, the others just let me get on with it. I was an executor in both cases. I am the only one with younger children and am a single parent (plus I work) so I was working, supporting my children, and dealing with my own grief as well as paperwork.

Another close family member died recently and suddenly. We’re all in shock and grieving. In this case I’m not the next of kin and won’t be dealing with the funeral. The date is not yet known. My role will be to turn up and support the next of kin who is a young adult and needs a lot of support.

Cue my brother messaging me with dates he will be on holiday coming up within 4 weeks, please be aware for funeral arrangements etc. I believe this is him trying to ensure he gets his holiday without being the bad guy, as if the dates clashed then he’d say this was my fault because he’d told me in advance.

I batted it back- I’m not part of this, I’m not getting involved with your arrangements and I’m certainly not passing it on to NoK for him.

He’s now got upset because I’m closer to the next of kin so apparently it’s easier for me to tell him.

i pretty much erupted at this point and told him, still by text, that it’s not my problem, the date will be the date, and if he isn’t willing to postpone then that’s his decision. I asked him why he thinks the NoK would avoid the dates for the funeral just for him when my brother doesn’t feel it’s enough of a priority to rearrange his holiday? And I also said that it’s in bad taste to put a bid in for dates like that anyway, like it’s a trip to the cinema And then I told him to just F off and leave me alone,

AIBU to have refused to pass on that info? Am I being too sensitive? Is it normal to give people a list of dates to avoid? In my experience the crematoriums get booked up so dates are limited anyway.

OP posts:
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Randomusername37258 · 13/02/2025 20:46

For future reference, easiest thing to do in this position is to make it totally obvious he's being unreasonable whilst giving him an out. E.g. "Whoops, you accidentally sent this to the wrong number! Obviously I'm not organising the dates for this. Fingers crossed there's no clash 🤞

Polite, friendly, takes no responsibility.

If you're struggling with saying no to things worth listening to a few audio books on how to do it so you can hear how they say no as well as what they say.

Debsnotts · 13/02/2025 18:58

Absolutely YANBU your brother is tho how rude and entitled

RatedDoingMagic · 13/02/2025 08:43

Yanbu at all and you dealt with your arsehole brother exactly correctly. Everything you said when batting back his arrogant presumption was true. Nobody chooses funeral dates so as to bring least inconvenience to distant relatives. It is arranged at the soonest convenient time that can be managed whilst giving time to make arrangements. Anyone who wants to go gets the choice as to whether to cancel their other plans and attend or whether their other plans are more important to them.

custardpyjamas · 13/02/2025 08:34

If he's not close enough to communicate directly with the next of kin, whether he's there or not doesn't sound that important. If the dates clash he can choose what he wants to do, and send apologies if he can't attend like anyone else would.

Let him send the message himself if he thinks it's appropriate, none of your business and I agree very tasteless to ask someone to fit a funeral in around your holidays.

ThePartingOfTheWays · 13/02/2025 08:26

BoldAmberDuck · 13/02/2025 08:09

We set up a WhatsApp group with close family and all notified dates we couldn’t do and whittled it down to 3 or 4 dates suitable, then arranged around that. I don’t think this is unreasonable. People have prior commitments and also have childcare and school pickups to fit in. I didn’t expect anyone to cancel holidays etc

Having had a couple of bereavements since the changes in September last year, I think this is an increasingly common response to the long delays in getting funeral dates.

BoldAmberDuck · 13/02/2025 08:09

We set up a WhatsApp group with close family and all notified dates we couldn’t do and whittled it down to 3 or 4 dates suitable, then arranged around that. I don’t think this is unreasonable. People have prior commitments and also have childcare and school pickups to fit in. I didn’t expect anyone to cancel holidays etc

Pippyls67 · 13/02/2025 07:48

Of course you were entirely right. Don’t back down.

Donotwantnot · 12/02/2025 23:35

When one of my parents died it was a few weeks before I had a holiday. I naively assumed the funeral would happen way before the trip. I was one of the primary people doing the organising for the funeral but I was repeatedly pressured to cancel my holiday despite us having no idea when we would be able to hold the funeral yet as the body hadn’t been released. I refused but I also didn’t engage in conversation. I waited it out. Eventually, I had to be the one explaining to the funeral directors I would rather avoid the holiday. Thankfully it worked out.

It was interesting to me though, how others didn’t get it. I’m quite pragmatic and frankly, if I had been on holiday when the family member passed, I wouldn’t have been any the wiser and wouldn’t have flown home. I think it’s perfectly okay for your brother to want to have his holiday. The bit that isn’t okay was getting you to be the go-between.

CountessWindyBottom · 12/02/2025 23:16

Well done @Donewithdoormat 👏

crockofshite · 12/02/2025 23:14

If your plonker brother doesn't know the bereaved well enough to tell them himself, why would he expect them to arrange the funeral around his holiday.

That's bonkers!

angelinawasrobbed · 12/02/2025 22:47

Not only are you not unreasonable, you are rather splendid.

GingersOwner26 · 12/02/2025 22:36

When my grandad died, my uncle didn't want the first choice of date he was offered for the funeral because that happened to be his birthday (he was then offered the day before instead, which he accepted). In this case, he was doing the organising so it was okay (I'm not sure whether it would have been moved to accommodate his birthday if any other relative had been doing it).

As for your brother, he shouldn't have been using you as a message service, and the next of kin shouldn't have to arrange around his holiday. YANBU to have told him to jog on - as for any comments about erupting not being the best way to handle it, well, feelings are going to run high after a death, it's not quite that simple.

MellersSmellers · 12/02/2025 22:22

Ramblethroughthebrambles · 11/02/2025 15:34

YANBU. I can understand why you felt cross given the background. However, I don't think there was a need to erupt or to say as much as you did to justify your 'no'. It would have been enough to say something like "I'm sorry, I don't feel comfortable asking them to avoid dates. It's not something I would do. If you want them to avoid your holidays you'll need to ask them yourself. Their number is...."

This. Would have been enough to say I'm not involved in the organisation, no need to turn it into an argument.

ThePartingOfTheWays · 12/02/2025 20:20

Sickoffamilydrama · 12/02/2025 20:03

Bedding down might be playing it down slightly so as not to make you anxious.

I'm aware of some places where it has taken 6-8 weeks and they are having to postpone funerals, you can't actually register a death until it's done, the difficulty is rural areas such as parts of Wales there isn't enough medical examiners to staff it. The principle is a sound one like many things in civil service the execution is not as easy.

Anyway ignore your brother OP, sorry for your loss Flowers

Show quote history

Yikes. We're not rural so hadn't even thought of how it'd be in more remote areas.

DisabledDemon · 12/02/2025 20:13

'Please arrange the funeral for when it's convenient for me.'

Er, no, you massive dick.

Shotokan101 · 12/02/2025 20:04

Wow!

Tell your selfish prick of a brother to do his own dirty work....

Sickoffamilydrama · 12/02/2025 20:03

ThePartingOfTheWays · 11/02/2025 15:21

The increase in delays is because of this I think

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/changes-to-the-death-certification-process/an-overview-of-the-death-certification-reforms

It was getting worse before this, but the undertaker told us the new system is bedding down and that's making things take longer on top.

Bedding down might be playing it down slightly so as not to make you anxious.

I'm aware of some places where it has taken 6-8 weeks and they are having to postpone funerals, you can't actually register a death until it's done, the difficulty is rural areas such as parts of Wales there isn't enough medical examiners to staff it. The principle is a sound one like many things in civil service the execution is not as easy.

Anyway ignore your brother OP, sorry for your loss Flowers

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 12/02/2025 19:54

AlexP24 · 11/02/2025 16:10

Although you are not being unreasonable - surely you could have just said to your brother 'the thing is, the dates are the dates and crematoriums get so booked up that they tell us rather than us telling them - but look if you're away don't worry, I'm sure NoK won't mind because me and x will be there anyway'. I think it's wrong of you to make him feel bad for being away, which you did I think when you said 'if you can't postpone your holiday..'. I think it's silly to expect anyone to cancel a holiday for a funeral. Unless it's your mum or dad or sibling of course, but not for anyone else. People die and sometimes you can't be there for the funeral,

Agree with this.
It's the straw that broke the camel's back as you've shouldered it all for so long.

There are people who like organising and being in charge, could they have seen you that way?

NotVeryFunny · 12/02/2025 18:19

ThePartingOfTheWays · 11/02/2025 15:17

Having had a couple of family funerals in the last few months, I think people asking to avoid certain dates is becoming more common as the wait gets longer. It's different to when it was a few days or a week or two and you took the soonest one. I think the thinking is, if it's going to be 4 weeks anyway it might as well be 4 weeks and 2 days or similar. But this is quite a new thing so I wouldn't say there's a settled etiquette yet.

Your brother is being a dick however, regardless of whether it's ok for him to want certain dates avoiding. That's his issue to sort out not yours.

This. The same thing happened for my nan's recent funeral. Perfectly normal. Some family had holidays booked, children who can no longer take time out school etc etc. We wanted as many family to come who could so we tried to accommodate all the dates thankfully this worked out.

Applesonthelawn · 11/02/2025 18:05

Literally no-one expects a funeral to be arranged around their diary unless they are themselves doing the organising. He can ring the NoK and ask when the funeral is, pass on his sympathies, and then if he has a diary clash he can say sorry I won't be able to make it. Nothing to do with you.

AdoraBell · 11/02/2025 18:05

YANBU. You’ve said you are not involved in the planning. End of story. Leave it up to him and everyone else to communicate.

I’m sorry for your loss.

CoralOP · 11/02/2025 18:00

Well done, you did great, stuck to your boundaries and did the right thing.

It feels uncomfortable when you start saying no to people but that needs to be your brothers problem, he shouldn't be so rude and the more you stand up to it the better you will feel, 1-0 to you and your self confidence 👏👏

MeridianB · 11/02/2025 17:40

Sorry for your losses, OP, and for the weight you have been carrying for others. You did the right thing saying no to your brother. Please don't second guess yourself.

You're not his assistant or his messenger. Let him organise his own bad choices. And make this the start of a new position on anything similar. Whatever he and your other brother asks, don't be panicked into saying yes. Take time to push it back. Once you start, you'll see how much of your time and good nature they've been abusing.

EdithStourton · 11/02/2025 17:37

YANBU at all OP. He needs to contact the NoK himself if the deceased mattered to him that much. I did this when someone who really mattered to me died, but stressed to the NoK that they should do whatever worked best for them. No offence was meant and none was taken.

DancingButterflies · 11/02/2025 17:34

I’m going to go against the grain and say that I don’t think your brother did anything wrong. He shared his holiday dates, to try to ensure he could make the funeral.

My grandfathers funeral was delayed a week, as his son, my uncle was on a golfing trip abroad. I didn’t bat an eyelid and I know my grandfather wouldn’t have wanted him to cancel, he would have said ‘life goes on’. I’m glad my uncle had a great time, he deserved it and I know it didn’t mean he loved my grandfather any less.

So, I don’t think your brothers being selfish. Plus, it’s really hard to cancel a holiday and get money back, so I don’t blame him.

However, he should have gone directly to the organiser and not tried to use you as a PA. That was a bit rude. He probably feels embarrassed to send dates he’s away. But that doesn’t mean you should do it either.

I don’t think I would have let it cause a row. I’d probably have just said ‘Sorry, I’m not organising this funeral, you’ll have to let Jack know directly’.