Been long term with my partner of 8 years. I’m 45, he is 56
I know its common for the honeymoon period to wear off and you can easily fall into a rut with each other, the longer you are together sometimes it just requires a bit of effort.
For the first 4/5 years, our date nights were great. Partner would ask if I wanted to go for a nice date in a restaurant, I would book it, We would put effort into our clothes, have nice conversation, laugh and there was always sexual tension/seduction/flirting followed by nice sex after it. We both enjoyed ourselves and looked forward to these.
The past year or so especially, our dates have been nothing like this and I have tried to address this with partner, because I miss that with him but as far as he is concerned, I am being a spoilt brat (his words), and unreasonable for asking that we both try put a little bit more effort into it.
The reason I feel like there’s room for improvement is because our dates now are very different.
- Partner started getting into the habit of having his phone during the meal and responding to text messages. He had previously been of the view that that was rude when you’re on a romantic date….suddenly, its ok.
- The date nights started becoming ‘business as usual’, ie, talking about problems we might be having with our kids, bills, work, practicalities. No sexy ambience to it. I can’t remember that last time we went on a date night and had sex after it.
- Asks for a romantic day out and we end up looking at the men’s section of clothes, or watches etc
Honestly, while it’s pleasant and cordial enough, it feels too casual and almost platonic.
He keeps asking the day before these dates if im excited and looking forward to it. I genuinely do but end up feeling disappointed when there’s hardly any romantic edge to it now.
I have brought this up asking if we could improve on this. He is not open or receptive to hearing this kind of thing and its real, real hard work because he immediately feels that I am attacking him for suggesting we try put more effort in and THAT becomes the issue.
After manoeuvring around all that, he eventually says ok, will put more into it. This was weeks ago.
Our last date, last week, we planned to spend a nice day together followed by a meal. He said he’s looking forward to a romantic day with me (we dont live together).
The day was very nice, sweet, affectionate etc. He said this is a nice date etc…Then he asked me to go into a shirt shop with him. He wanted to get shirts. He didn’t know which ones so asked me to pick them. It took a while because there were different sections, different styles etc and he had no input at all, it was all for me to pick.
He wanted 3 shirts and me to pick them. I did and then we left and went for a meal later.
i said to him that I felt like staff or a personal assistant. He has never ever done that before. Meaning if we are out on a date and he treats himself, he would always treat me too even if it was small, I appreciated the sentiment.
He also knew that I was skint and I felt like it was being insensitive to that by having me painstakingly pick 3 shirts for him on a DATE, spoiling himself and getting me to do the work of it.
I just felt like it was really self focused and he already agreed to put more effort in
He says I am a spoilt brat for and unbelievable for this and for feeling like our date nights are just too casual, and asking for us to put more effort in as a couple to keep the spark alive.
AIBU?
i would really appreciate some perspective here, thanks