Date nights falling flat on its face, partner says I’m being a spoilt brat/unreasonable when I explain my feelings on the matter

It's the fact that he wanted zero input and expected her to choose.

Not everyone loves shopping, I would find it stressful being in a store and expected to choose 3 shirts for someone else.

It IS something that would be mental labour for a lot of people and it is paired with the fact that he isn't making any effort on these dates. He is on his phone and not connecting with her and they aren't intimate.

I don't think OP is having outrageously high expectations to expect someone not to be texting on a date or expecting her to shop for him when he knows she doesn't enjoy it AND she has financial worries.

It all sounds a bit repetitive. You're doing the same thing every time - meeting up then going for dinner. He likes it because he gets to spend time with you and it is low-effort at this stage because you've been doing it for so long. But you want more excitement which he is taking to mean spending time with him isn't enough for you. What would be exciting for you though? If you don't know, he's not going to know either.

I think the problem is that you have expected the feeling of ‘dating’ to last inordinately long because your relationship hasn’t progressed the way most relationships do - that is, towards living together, blended lives, mutual responsibilities.

Dh and I have been together 17 years. Our ‘date nights’ (we might have one a year, though sometimes we go to lunch while the kids are at school) are definitely not flirty or romantic and filled with excitement and innuendo. They are mostly just the rare chance to eat a really nice high end meal in an adult restaurant and to talk to each other. The thought of shopping and talking about clothes literally fills us both with abject horror.

But these meals would mostly be a chance to talk about our long term plans and goals. We actually talk a lot about our various attempts at planning permission for a building project, business goals, future holidays, extended family gossip. It’s totally not all fire and lace unless you think planning consultations are sexy! 😂

That said, he shouldn’t call you names (even if might be a bit annoying) and poor phone etiquette is very rude in anyone having a nice meal with someone.

Time to have a think.
He's not pushed and the spoilt brat remark is really rude.
He's a lot older than you so perhaps this is it.
You don't live together so perhsps tkme to suggest a break.
Him being on the phone makes me think he could be on dating sites.

I think the gap and irritation are having part of the date hijacked to be a shopping trip for him with OP expected to run around making him the centre of attention and the nothing reciprocated. It’s only about him buying her something because he’d decided to make shopping a part of the date when she has no money. In the past that reciprocation has been him buying her something small but now there is no reciprocation he just centres himself.

Agree with this and if that comes across even in OP’s own words on here then I can imagine it comes across exactly the same to him, so his comments of ungrateful/spoilt make total sense

Where is the relationship going? You're nearly a decade in, and your whole relationship seems to be meeting up for "dates". It's stagnated because it's not moving in any direction. Going out for a romantic dinner followed by sex is a nice thing for a couple to do but if after 8 years it's ALL you do then there's no substance to the relationship.

Take it however you want 🤷‍♀️.

To me a partner is someone you share a life with. So a home, finances, children, time. Not necessarily all of these things but certainly some common commitments. Anything else is dating imo and not a partnership.

I'd expect to help a partner I lived with to choose shirts. But that would be on a normal Saturday, and there would be other time set aside for a 'date'. I wouldn't expect to do chores at a time earmarked for a romantic date. I'd think that where couples don't live together, the time spent with each other would be more precious and therefore you'd expect it to feel special and have more effort made.

To me, if he wants the kind of relationship where you do boring shit together, that comes with the sort of long term commitment where one of you isn't doing fine financially while the other is skint - it's more of a sharing lives situation. That's not what you two seem to have.

My other cynical thought was that he's had his head turned, or is bored and cba. Either way I think you do deserve better. I always think that behaviour changes are worth taking g note of - it's a shift in attitude towards you.

OP I understand where you're coming from. You feel he's getting complacent in the relationship & you're willing to put in the effort to keep the spark alive.

I think far too many couples fall into a rut & then can't find their way back out of it

I'm married 22 years this year & my dh is a v romantic person. We still prioritise our relationship & make time to go out just the two of us & have fun. It's vital for us.

I would be v sad if dh didn't seem to want to do it anymore.

We have plenty of mundane, routine daily grind days but we're really good at carving out time to spend together doing things we enjoy. Sometimes it's a fancy dinner out. Last weekend we did that as it was dhs birthday..we got dressed up in our finest & went for cocktails & a gorgeous meal & a nightcap before a taxi home.

Another recent date was a day in another city wandering around some galleries & a long browse in a favorite big bookshop with quite a few purchases. Then we had coffee & cake in a traditional tearoom with our new books. That was a great day

We go to the theatre, cinema, gigs, & we love a city break or night in a hotel.

I truly think it helps keep us connected as a couple first & foremost. Not just mum & dad (young adult dc) or employee or family carer etc

I think you should go for a coffee or a drive with him & have a chat about it in a calm non blaming way

It sounds as though you are both a bit fed up with the relationship. As you don't live together why not have a break from each other and see how you feel? Perhaps be open to dates with someone else. A change is as good as a rest after all. Not every relationship has longevity and you've both done all that before, including children. You should be having some fun and not being like an old married couple.

When you plan a romantic day and treat him, how does he respond?

That’s how I read it, it was getting to the crunch and basically she had her hand out and it’s annoyed her he didn’t buy her something, otherwise she’d have been perfectly happy with the date. With the excuse she’s skint so he should be buying her stuff in return for her picking his shirts.

if you want paying that’s staff.

Is the romantic spark alive at all?

I can see why date nights might become a bit routine after 8 years, but if you don’t live together the question is whether there is the opportunity for romantic spontaneity to replace that. How is your sex life?

What it comes down to, though, is are you happy with what you’re getting? You’ve talked about it and nothing’s changed. So if this isn’t what you want going forward you need to stop it and start looking elsewhere.

I‘m a bit confused - are date nights the only time you see each other? Or do you see each other at different times and date nights are different?

After 8 years it sounds a bit forced to me to be honest.

Phones in the table is outright rude (even if you have kids). And him calling you a spoilt brat is very out of order.

I think you’ve want different things from this set up.

So unless he buys you something you feel like staff?

You said the rest of the date was nice, sweet, affectionate. You had a nice meal together. Sounds good.
The gap and irritation appears to be the lack of a gift for you.

Obviously you should end any relationship if you are unhappy. There is little point in continuing to spend time together otherwise.

It does sound like you're putting all the pressure on him. You don't want him to talk about work or kids. You don't want him buying anything for himself without buying you something too. You say you want a romantic day out, but you don't seem to have made any suggestions as to what that might be, just more things he shouldn't do. You need to take a bit of control. Make suggestions and plans yourself.

56 is not capital letters old, though. If we're talking biology, a lot of 45 year old women seem to lose their sex drive, from what you can read on here.

I see it now. Rude tone to your comment. I did ask if I'd missed it.

Who pays for the date nights? Do you do anything together other than shopping / meals out?

It doesn't matter what we think, you aren't happy, so just end it. You say you don't live together, so it should be easy.
You do sound a bit "princessy" - in the the huff because no gift and not all about you. Also, why don't YOU steer the conversations the way you want them to go. Why don't YOU initiate sex. It seems like a date is something he has to do for you, rather than something for both of you. Do you think your conversation is boring, hence the phone coming out? Do you flirt and flatter him, or just wait to be flirted with?

If you’d described this scenario after decades and children together, I’d say there might be something to work on.
But as this isn’t the case, what’s point of being with someone if it’s no fun. You may as well split up. He’s not that into you any more.

Buying shirts is hardly him spoiling himself, you went out for the day and you’re skint - did he pay for whatever you did during the day and for dinner? Maybe he feels that’s a treat in itself? I think after 8 years the shine is going to go off things, how does “date night” differ from you both just spending time together?

Also I’m not sure what you feel is sexy about wanting to be bought something op. It gives me the right ick.

Yeah OP, didn't you know that in a long term relationship you're not supposed to want romance or sexuality or seduction! You should be grateful he wants to take you shirt shopping and treat you to a delightful evening looking at the back of his phone and talking about bills! How dare you want romance and good sex after eight whole years, it's silent missionary in the dark once a month and nothing but chaste little pecks on the lips forever more! No more flirting, no more making out like teenagers, no more dates that give you butterflies, you're adults for god's sake! Complacency, boredom and routine is what's supposed to happen. That's marriage.