Page 5 | To not run my 18 year old dd everywhere on her days off

blackheartsgirl · 2025-02-11T13:43:34+00:00

Dd doesn’t drive and refuses to catch the bus because she doesn’t like it and has told me it’s too much faff and it’s cold. town is 1 mile away and there are regular buses. She wants to go to town to get her nails done and to buy vape liquid. She also wants me to walk round town with her because she doesn’t want to go by herself as she’ll get bored ffs and she wants a lift back. I’ve got some health issues and I’m also off sick due to this. ( I do a heavy physical job) I hate town myself anyway. i also run her boyfriend home, as he lives 5 miles away and no buses at night, I am quite happy to take her to doctors appointments, and I take her to and from work every day, at 7 am and 5 pm. She does pay petrol and is learning to drive. I also take dd3 14 to school, and run her about too. no dh or any other support. shes thinks I’m massively unreasonable, a bitch, I don’t care about her etc but I’m tired tbh and stressed. On Saturdays I spend my entire day in the car running about doing lifts for sporting activities for them both, sometimes travelling 30 to 40 miles away. aibu to say no?

dovetail22uk · 11/02/2025 15:15

blackheartsgirl · 11/02/2025 15:13

Thank you. She has come a long way in the last few years. This time last year she wouldn’t set foot outside the door unless I was with her

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That's really hard and I get it. My daughter struggled so much that she didn't go to school for almost 3 years. She's obviously doing a great job now but stuff like this doesn't get better overnight and your support will be what she needs x

ClairDeLaLune · 11/02/2025 15:14

There is no way at all I’d be giving any lift whatsoever to someone who called me a bitch.

Original poster

blackheartsgirl · 11/02/2025 15:13

dovetail22uk · 11/02/2025 15:12

This 100% legitimate. My daughter had huge anxiety and your daughter is still only young and has been through a lot. Nothing wrong with looking after her like this!

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Thank you. She has come a long way in the last few years. This time last year she wouldn’t set foot outside the door unless I was with her

OP posts:

Original poster

blackheartsgirl · 11/02/2025 15:12

BobbyBiscuits · 11/02/2025 15:11

Of course not. Just put an opened bottle of whisky next to you, pour a large tumbler of apple juice and wait for her to ask. Down the AJ with a vigorous zeal, point to the whisky bottle and say
'No can do honeybunch'. While crossing your eyes. 🤣

I like that idea 😂

OP posts:

dovetail22uk · 11/02/2025 15:12

blackheartsgirl · 11/02/2025 15:08

I have clearly said my reasons for not taking dd14 to school in the morning's further up the thread..she has school issues and panics on the bus in the morning. genuinely. I am working with the school to overcome this but it takes time

i also clearly stated in my op dd is learning to drive

Edited

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This 100% legitimate. My daughter had huge anxiety and your daughter is still only young and has been through a lot. Nothing wrong with looking after her like this!

Porkyporkchop · 11/02/2025 15:11

Can’t she cycle ? It’s a mile. She could walk or spend literally five minutes on a bus.
start putting your foot down - and if she called me a bitch I wouldn’t be taking her or BF anywhere in my car. That is outrageous

BobbyBiscuits · 11/02/2025 15:11

Of course not. Just put an opened bottle of whisky next to you, pour a large tumbler of apple juice and wait for her to ask. Down the AJ with a vigorous zeal, point to the whisky bottle and say
'No can do honeybunch'. While crossing your eyes. 🤣

Original poster

blackheartsgirl · 11/02/2025 15:11

Sunat45degrees · 11/02/2025 15:06

My 14 year old is more independent than your DD. You are only being unreasonable to have allowed this to go on for as long as you have.

Yes I get many are more capable than my dd, but dd has had a lot of loss in her life and I think that it’s affected her mental health and she has had so many issues coping with her dads death

OP posts:

Original poster

blackheartsgirl · 11/02/2025 15:08

Topsyturvy78 · 11/02/2025 14:58

A mile is nothing my DD was walking at least a mile-2 miles from about 2. She's being lazy 18 year's old she needs to put her big girl pants on and get the bus. If she's really that bothered about using buses then she should learn to drive. Why are you taking your 14 year old to school still?

I have clearly said my reasons for not taking dd14 to school in the morning's further up the thread..she has school issues and panics on the bus in the morning. genuinely. I am working with the school to overcome this but it takes time

i also clearly stated in my op dd is learning to drive

OP posts:

Sunat45degrees · 11/02/2025 15:06

My 14 year old is more independent than your DD. You are only being unreasonable to have allowed this to go on for as long as you have.

DoloresODonovan · 11/02/2025 15:06

OP - this is going sideways I know but honestly, at 18, your daughter could/should consider the benefits of a boyfriend with a car?! - who drives of course! doting, kind hearted, willing, etc.

Hazylazydays · 11/02/2025 15:04

She called you a bitch, that’s so totally unacceptable, she’d be going nowhere without a sincere apology for speaking to her mother like that.
She obviously has no respect for you OP, I’d take a step back unless she really changes her attitude.

ERthree · 11/02/2025 15:03

If she has called you a bitch she shouldn't be living under your roof. She is an adult tell her to adult.

Penguinmouse · 11/02/2025 15:02

A mile? Just walk!!

JSMill · 11/02/2025 15:02

Idontjetwashthefucker · 11/02/2025 13:46

She calls you a bitch? On that basis alone I'd be telling her to sod off and sort herself out...ungrateful little madam

That would be the end of lifts anywhere if that was one of my DCs.

2JFDIYOLO · 11/02/2025 15:02

Develop a life of your own and a backbone. Your adult daughter needs to start doing just that - adult.

"No I can't run you today, I have an appointment / my class / a friends meeting / PLANS.

Here's the bus timetable."

Lozzq · 11/02/2025 15:01

she needs to get on her bike! Sorry OP, it sounds like you have had a rough time and are doing your best. Sometimes it better for them in the long run for some tough love, at the moment you are enabling bratty behaviour.

Original poster

blackheartsgirl · 11/02/2025 15:01

DoloresODonovan · 11/02/2025 14:55

OP lifts are for people who are going that way anyway, you are drivng your children.

I’m sorry for you with your losses and all you have endured.
I think we are going to bully you into resting then have a rethink about howyour life/lives can bestreamlined.
This is why some countries or cultures have a proscribed period of mourning,
so that when this ends, life resumes.
With two losses, this period became protracted, no wonder you are sad.

Your daughter is a big girl now, working, getting nails done, boyfriend, -
when it suits her

Last line made me laugh, what a diva ha ha, couldn‘t have wanted beans That badly.
As has been pointed out here,walking is good for the female fgure it tightens up our abdominal muscles, essential after salt butter and spaghetti hoops! or beans.

Keep posting for support and unfettered opinion, it’s what we excel at here

Thank you so much for this lovely post. I know I probably deserve the crap I’m getting (so far quite mild for aibu 🤣) and yes I know I could do better.

oo I did for get to mention I have said no to picking her up from her boyfriend last Sunday.. I’d got comfy in pjs, was cooking tea and I got the call to go pick her up.. I said no, she then phoned my son to go, he lives even further away and he told her to get lost as well..either that or pay him 20 quid. She got a taxi.

so yes I am slowly kicking back, I just wanted other perspectives so thank you all

OP posts:

cramptramp · 11/02/2025 15:00

What do you think OP? Seriously.

DoloresODonovan · 11/02/2025 15:00

@Technonan - great name lol -
a lovely kind post for the OP who will be reaching for the tissuesabout now

Topsyturvy78 · 11/02/2025 14:58

A mile is nothing my DD was walking at least a mile-2 miles from about 2. She's being lazy 18 year's old she needs to put her big girl pants on and get the bus. If she's really that bothered about using buses then she should learn to drive. Why are you taking your 14 year old to school still?

Technonan · 11/02/2025 14:57

blackheartsgirl · 11/02/2025 14:37

I’m a soft touch I think because I feel guilty about being a single mum and because we’ve all had such an horrendous time the last 4 years, dh died in 2021 then lost my mum 15 months ago and it has negatively impacted us all and I think I’ve felt that I’ve had to do all the lifts because they’ve both been so anxious in the past and I didn’t want them missing out and it’s turned into laziness and entitlement on their part.

I will carry on taking dd to work as there are no buses that early in the morning and it’s not safe to walk either as it involves walking through a steep remote wooded valley in the opposite direction to town, she does give me petrol money for this. Dd3 does really get anxious on the school bus in the morning so I don’t mind that either..she is struggling at school and I can’t get out of the sport things either.

the rest though..yes I am a mug, and everything your are saying is true, I need to stop, it’s really getting to me. I can’t relax in the evenings or in the day if she’s home, both of them even pester to take me to the shop 5 minutes up the road and I can’t believe I’m saying this but I used to do it.

I have knocked that in the head.. dd wanted beans for her jacket potato last week, forgot to get some, she whinged and whinged about me taking her to the shop to get some, she didn’t speak to me all evening because I stood my ground and refused.. she had to have spaghetti hoops instead..she’s bloody 18!

Be kind to yourself, OP. You've had a horrendous time and you're grieving. You're trying to be a good parent and care for your children, you've kept going becasue you had to, for their sake, but they are old enough to understand that you need caring for too. They have lost their father and their grandmother, but you have lost your partner and your mother. That's terrible for you and so hard to deal with. You need care as well.

DoloresODonovan · 11/02/2025 14:55

OP lifts are for people who are going that way anyway, you are drivng your children.

I’m sorry for you with your losses and all you have endured.
I think we are going to bully you into resting then have a rethink about howyour life/lives can bestreamlined.
This is why some countries or cultures have a proscribed period of mourning,
so that when this ends, life resumes.
With two losses, this period became protracted, no wonder you are sad.

Your daughter is a big girl now, working, getting nails done, boyfriend, -
when it suits her

Last line made me laugh, what a diva ha ha, couldn‘t have wanted beans That badly.
As has been pointed out here,walking is good for the female fgure it tightens up our abdominal muscles, essential after salt butter and spaghetti hoops! or beans.

Keep posting for support and unfettered opinion, it’s what we excel at here

LondonLawyer · 11/02/2025 14:52

DD has lots of lovely choices. She can walk (it's only a mile!), she can cycle, she can catch the bus, she can learn to drive, or she can stay at home. I've no idea why you've become the boyfriend's free chauffeur service, either. He too can walk / cycle / bus / lump it.

Cynic17 · 11/02/2025 14:51

Not only would I not take her on my day off, I would certainly not be taking her to and from work. She can get the bus, like everyone else. Stop spoiling her, OP - she sounds pathetic.